1. Benjamin Gordon  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +1 good shit Reply

2. Michael_  |   Posted on Jan 22nd 0 I heard last night that today is supposed to be a nutso music update day with news or new music from Vampy Weekend, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Coachella and My Bloody Valentine. One of these has already come to fruition. Let’s see if the rest follow… Reply

3. just kissed my baby  |   Posted on Jan 22nd -9 Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see Awful, awful band. Just gross. 2010 album is one of the worst I’ve ever listened to. That poor girl on the cover. I’d have sued them on principle, putting my face on this thing. It’s like finding out that an awkward family photo of you is now being used in a nationwide billboard campaign for Tea Partying or cranial trepanation or some other egregious and disgusting assault on human intelligence. So just how much came out of the trust fund for the record company bribe? Yes, I’m harping on them for being rich and privileged. And you know why? Because the rich and privileged can do five things. 1, they can help the less privileged, either because they’re genuinely good people or because it’s the sociopath equivalent of being a good person. 2, they can add positively to a culture in some way. 3, they can keep their big stupid mouths shut and not take credit for the civil rights movement. 4, they can pretend to not be rich and privileged. Or 5, they can open their big stupid mouths and wallets, overthrowing democratically elected leaders in the developing world and making albums like Contra. But before I explain why some New York indie band’s album embodies the worst excesses of American culture I should probably start by talking about their music. Which by the way just transitioned into Van Morrison’s Astral Weeks. Does anyone else ever feel like not appreciating this crap makes them look like that one guy who criticized George Lucas’ prose ability to his face or that one guy who didn’t applaud Stalin for three straight hours? Like there’s something wrong with us and we’re about to be punished for it in some terrible way? Like not “getting it” automatically expels you from the human race and obnoxious hive mind young people conglomerations everywhere? Maybe it’s just me. But see Vampire Weekend are not the unassailable gold statued demigods of music. That distinction goes to the Beatles or Radiohead. Criticizing Vampire Weekend isn’t going to get your Wikipedia page vandalized or free promo drip feed cut off. They’re just another dumb shit indie band exceeding Earth’s mantle-low quality standards and trying to wring magic from all the much better bands before them. So my conclusion is that people are either successfully brainwashed, incredibly dumb, or have the self-esteem of a porn star. Or all three. Actually here’s a mental image that sums up Contra. It’s like something Mark Mothersbaugh would have submitted to Rugrats if he were drunk, untalented, and very, very stupid. If you thought Kid A was an incongruous mishmash of ideas stolen by intelligent people then Contra is all that minus the tact and brain cells. If you thought Kid A was amateurish and awkward then congratulations, here’s a record to make Kid A seem the masterpiece 98.7% of the world thinks it is. Open wide everybody. There is nothing enjoyable about this album! Without the godawful sub-prog rock keyboards, mandatory string parts, and drum machines, all you have are a bunch of irritating and not particularly catchy melodies. With them you have the background music playing on a merry-go-round, or a very ambitious music box. And please, if you find this man’s voice truly endearing, let me know why. I’ve come up with a list of possible reasons. 1. He sounds working class 2. He sounds like he likes Paul Simon 3. He sounds like he’s whispering a nursery rhyme into my ear 4. He sounds like my kid brother I lost in a tragic merry-go-round explosion 5. He sounds like my college roommate who had the best weed 6. He sounds like he believes his bullshit 7. He sounds like he likes Animal Collective 8. ? Then there’s the attempt to take the most plastic white boy music possibly conceivable, with this hilarious false sense of class and refinement, and blend it with….African music? I wish Fela were here to yell at you guys. Which brings me to my main point. Sure, a lot of crappy records are released, and then applauded, and then placed in “greatest ever” lists, and that makes me angry, but I find this record infuriating, and it has nothing to do with musical taste. It has to do with simple taste. Yeah, you play them xylophones boys, ’cause the rest of the world doesn’t have reason enough to believe Americans are obnoxious, entitled, and completely oblivious to all that’s happening outside the confines of their own asses. Most of the music in this vein is about, well, nothing, but do you have to be so crass about it, Vampire Weekend? It’s fine if you sing about love and love and….whatever else people like to hear, but the moment you start dabbling in things that bear real weight you had better know what the fuck you’re talking about. Do these boys even know what a Contra is? Did their $60,000 education teach them this? Did they find the word in a book and think, “Hey, that’s cool! Let’s work that into our new album about Love and Nothing!” I do hear these stray references to war and guns and the like, so maybe they saw a documentary. Though I’m not certain because they’re interspersed with lyrics about guitars and rock n’ roll and other such developing world staples, and also seem to exist in some sort of pre-modern metaphorical fantasy bullshit world. Maybe their degrees were in poetry. Maybe Animal Collective, Paul Simon, and the Contras can all team up and disappear these fellows in their sleep, so that we don’t have to endure one more goddamned execrable dorm room atrocity sprouted legs from a bong and run. Do they serve clove cigarettes in hell? I’m not reacting to simple stupidity or a bunch of rich kids being uncouth here. This record has no relationship to reality whatsoever. It has no right to be acknowledged or appreciated because there is absolutely nothing about it worth commending. It needs to be given a time out in the ivory tower and left to think about what it’s done. It’s all fun and games until someone has an eye gouged out, Vampire Weekend! It’s like a transmission from another world in which nothing bad ever happens and the art police are perpetually on strike. Its sound is lost in some other time only Walt Disney could have dreamt up when he wasn’t fighting communism. Have our fantasies been reduced to this shit? Can’t we escape into something that’s at least better produced and doesn’t fling around decontextualized historical references like a monkey flings poo? Imagine all of the much more talented and forward-thinking people who aren’t getting $60,000 college educations or record deals. Imagine all of the people being paid in an entire month about half of what Contra retails for. Nobody’s “giving up the gun” as long as this shit is “alternative” cultural currency. I must say though, the strings were quite lovely. Which I do realize is like saying Barack Obama is a very sexy man or ramming jagged chunks of jewel case into your forearms hurts, so not much of a compliment there. Really, any attempt to view this album in terms of its drowsy phlegm-soaked vocals or absolutely hysterical composition is just missing the point. This record is so fucking offensive in so many ways that it just transcends bad and ends up as one of the most notable releases of 2010. Congratulations to the CIA, Pitchfork Media, The United Fruit Company, Manuel Noriega (whose mugshot should’ve been the album cover), and of course, Vampire Weekend. Now go and choke yourselves to death on some mustachioed generalissimo’s ****, would you kindly? Reply

   • Michael_  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +11 You really don’t help the stereotype that Russians are cold, miserable people. Hey, while you’re there and since we have to deal with this, can you at least do us a favor and free Pussy Riot? Reply

     • just kissed my baby  |   Posted on Jan 22nd -5 Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see Man, this is not my review, I copied it from RYM for fun. I can’t write so much words in good English. hence my previous nickname… Overgeneralizations are never good. I understand, all stereotypes have some basis in reality, or else they wouldn’t be stereotypes. The problem with them is that they’re generalizations that end up being applied to every member of a group. There are cold and ‘miserable’ people, like in every other place on Earth, of course, but at the same time I know some of the kindest, intelligent, pleasant and wonderful people every person would like to meet. Reply

       • just kissed my baby  |   Posted on Jan 22nd -1 jesus, whta’s wrong with THIS post? don’t know there are so many Russians haters there. …or just don’t downvote anything because it’s just written by me. Reply

     • just kissed my baby  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +2 Also I can’t free Pussy Riot; it can do (as with all other business in Russia) only one man, you know his name. Reply

       • godsdog  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +2 Ra-Ra-Rasputin – Russia’s greatest love machine ? Reply

         • just kissed my baby  |   Posted on Jan 23rd +2 nope. he’s dead Reply

   • Simon Chapman  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +8 Well that was the most pointless post ever. Here was me just thinking they wrote catchy, intelligent pop songs. I happen to like catchy, intelligent pop songs. Reply

     • just kissed my baby  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +1 That was a joke, I didn’t write it, I just copied it. I thought it was written tongue-in-cheek. I have nothing against VW too. Reply

       • Dick Litman  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +4 You’re an interesting man (?) Reply

         • just kissed my baby  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +4 Don’t think so Reply

       • Michael_  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +3 You’re the Yaka Smirnoff of Stereogum. Don’t ever change, man. Reply

       • Simon Chapman  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +1 WELL YOU COULD HAVE SAID SO *storms of flailing arms* Reply

         • Simon Chapman  |   Posted on Jan 22nd 0 *storms off Reply

   • Kyle Culbert  |   Posted on Jan 22nd -1 You must be a blast at parties. Reply

     • just kissed my baby  |   Posted on Jan 22nd 0 ha, never been to any party in my life and don’t plan to. I don’t drink (and again don’t plan to even begin doing that) and have no friends and all that shite. actually, see explanation^^^ I thought it was well-written fun piece I found on Rate Your Music. I like VW myself. Reply

       • Jim Fay  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +2 geez man Reply

         • just kissed my baby  |   Posted on Jan 22nd 0 what? alcohol? it’s just my choice. no friends? nothing weird about it either Reply

         • fistofan0077  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +3 Your posts would suggest that yes…there is something weird about it. Reply

   • Ben Cornell  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +2 i only made it to the second awful Reply

4. spennyb  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +3 YES Reply

5. sean sean  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +1 the letters look like they might spell out MVOTC, not MVOTO sorry to all the soccer fans Reply

   • Vítor Bezerra  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +1 yeah, i just checked and it definetely looks more like MVOTC. Reply

6. Kayla Taylor  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +1 ridiculously excited Reply

7. buzz fledderjohn  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +1 YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Reply

8. Tim Curtin  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +1 the Spring has its soundtrack Reply

9. Heath D. Williams  |   Posted on Jan 22nd +4 Getting married May 12. Canceling DJ. Reply

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.