CMJ tracked down the tracklist for the upcoming Morrissey CD Ringleader Of The Tormentors.
01. I Will See You In Far-Off Places
02. Dear God Please Help Me
03. You Have Killed Me
04. The Youngest Was The Most Loved
05. In The Future When All’s Well
06. The Father Who Must Be Killed
07. Life Is A Pigsty
08. I’ll Never Be Anybody’s Hero Now
09. On The Streets I Ran
10. To Me You Are A Work Of Art
11. I Just Want To See The Boy Happy
12. At Last I Am Born
Moz song titles are always amusing to peruse because they tend to be excessively lengthy and morbid.
Let’s hear your best fake Morrissey song titles in the comments.
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Someday the Proletariat will be wearing corduroy and not melancholic expressions
I’m Not Upset, I Just Want to Die
Committing Suicide and Desperately Wishing for my Death Wish to be Actualized Are Not the Same Thing
I Wear Slacks on the Outside Because Slacks Are How I Feel on the Inside
Her Tears Will Wash The Pain Away
I am the morrissey i cry when i make love (but i know you like it)
Why’d don’t you just wear a bib and stop dribbling all over yourself? Eh, baby.
My whole family is dead, someone just ran over my dog, and I’m fairly sure I have an STD.
Oh, by the way, I can’t think of a Morrissey song title.
I Just Want to Be Left to My Own Devices, Skinny
my demise is the only thing i seem to be choking on, fatty
seriously…cannot wait. morrissey is one of those people that can never do wrong in my book
My tears could cure cancer, but i don’t cry
When I Die, Kick Me For All Those I Have Disappointed
Lost In Utopia Without My PDA and Cellphone And My Laptop Has A Low Battery Part Two
follows
Heaven In Your Eyes From Across The Room While You Sit With Your Boyfriend Who Beats You Part One
The Day I Find True Love, My Heart Will Cry Pink Tears
– You’re Still The Only One I’ll Ever Love, Dead Psycho Killer
– This Is The Place Where Our Souls Got Kicked In The Teeth
– A Push and A Laugh and Little Bit Of Drool
– All The Girls In the World Can’t Stop Me From Killing Myself Anyway
– The President Must Die and You’re Not So Great Either
I Looked And I Looked And I Looked (And He Never Found Me)
It’s Hard To Drown In A River of Tears
Please, please, please let me get what I previously thought that I just wanted but have come to realize I desperately need (dub version)
My Sorrow Will Cease When The World Ceases (Or Suicide)
How hard will I be as I die thinking of you digging my grave hole
To Make You Happy, I Will Bury Myself Alive
I Would Hang Myself, But the Noose is too Pretty For Me
Laughter is One Letter From Slaughter (And Love Is A World Away)
My Teachers Were My Torture
Dying In A Lorry Would Be Better Than Working
Dubya’s Persian Abattoir
The Greatest Obscure Footballers
We’re Waiting For Your Answer, Tony
Foreman Grilled
- Even the Dung Beetles Laugh At Me
- Our Great Depression is Our Lives
- Hunting in the Pain Season
- I Coo, You Coo, We All Seppuku
-I just want the hurting to stop
-Its 10pm. Do you know where your children are? I do. They’re alone.
-Life is the Greatest Tragedy of Life
You are the Most Challenging Soduku of All
Last Night I Awoke to Find My Soul Empty
My Enemies Are All I Have Left
My Life is a Meaningless Void, Where is the Gin
I Look Like Johns Uncle Ed, The One Who Used to French Kiss His Sisters (edit)
“another brick in my backpack”
these are GREAT! thanks for the laugh
Messing with Moz fans 101:
Start a heavy metal DMode coverband (Blasphemous Guitars http://www.covermebadd.com). Play a show with the world’s most well-known Smiths tribute band (sweetandtenderhooligans.com). Make a flyer saying that all-midget Morrissey tribute MORRISSETTE is opening the show (
). Make a MORRISSETTE banner (“Some Bands Are Bigger Than Others”), lower the mic stands and watch as everyone waits for midgets to come out. When they don’t, end your set with a Smiths medley (Elliott, Patti, etc). Rinse and repeat.*Why Should I Give You the Satisfaction of a Reply
*We Hate it When Our Friends Become Label Executives
*At the Bottom of a Drink Lies the Answer I Can Never Know
*Birth at One’s Knee
*This Land is Full of Inflated Egos
*Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This Song Title Before
Everything I Know And Love Will Cease To Exist At Noon On the ‘Morrow
Even My Tears Think I’m Ugly and Fat
The thing is, no one can top the man himself for Moz song title parodies after he came out with “I Have Forgiven Jesus.” When I first read that title, I thought, “Oh, there must be some kind of humor in that.”
But, ummm, nope.
I was born a skeleton but I’ll die a dog.
Dennis Liked to Eat Helpless Animals
“There is a light that never turns on”
“I’m sad”
I’ve Never Written a Song Title that Wasn’t a Complete Sentence, Fatty
William, It’s Been Eight Months, It Really Was Nothing
Please, Please, Please, Let the Paxil Work
Last Night I Dreamt That I Really Was Mother’s Favourite (Live)
Shoplifters of the World Will Be Prosecuted To The Fullest Extent of the Law and Left to Rot in the Loneliest of Prisons (Atop Burberry Hill)
If I Love You, You Should Probably Throw Yourself Into the Thames
Happy happy fun fun mama dead.
the world is at a loss and it hurts when i pee
There Is A Bloke Who Turns Me On
oh, gorgeous, ive shitten myself
Oh, those bloggers, they think they’re funny.
“No, Really, Fuck tha Police”
“I would have killed you last night but Seinfeld was on”
St. Peter Forbad Me To Knock On Heaven’s Door
You’ve Mistaken Me For Someone Who Cares
Splendour In The Arse
Smile Sunshine, You Are On Air
“All I want is for Johnny to return my calls”
Dear Reckless Driver, I’m Bleeding Profusely
The Japanese are Stealing my Horrible Haircut
“2 lumps please, my lovely lady lumps please….
you’re the bee’s knees….but so am i…”
or
“que tal pronto es ahora”
(he’s big in mexico city)
I’m Not Depressed, I’m Just Filled With Sorrow (A Love Song)
“I’ll Try and Not Release 3 Versions of This Album; Stuff the Completists”
“If You Weren’t So Beautiful, I Would Try To Kill You (I Mean It)”
“Sometimes It Is Hard For Me To Remember Her Name”
When thinking of a Morrissey song title I kept thinking of Belle & Sebastian’s “I Don’t Love Anyone”. He could cover that song and make it his own for sure.
Death is a sleep pattern (wake up happy)
I think I’m sad but now I’m not so sure.
Heavenly bursitis…(Live at the Salford Lads Club Locker Room)
black cupcakes and bittersweet frown-candy
These Walls of our Love are Painted Black, but I am Colorblind, So it’s Kind of Okay
I Frown at Donuts, They Frown Back (So Kindly)
When will Rick Rubin let me sing Tom Petty Covers?
This song will kill my heart to death (again)
Morrissey is coming out with a new album? I can finally cry again…
I Hate Myself And I Want To Live.
“God, An Olde Bugger I Am”
- Morrissey
“Blogging Leaves Me Tired and Unfulfilled”
this is one of the best posts ever. (NOT a Morrissey song title, obvs)
I’ll Give You a Peppermint Stick if You Can Love Me Better Than Me, Big Girl’s Mother.
Another batch from me:
That Was Your Very Last Joke At My Expense
Loveable Looters
At Last The Old Shopkeepers Will Have Their Revenge
I’m Not Sure I Like Your Face, Ramona
Newsreader In Peril
Andy, Johnny and Mike, You Owe Me A Career
Dear God, Please Help Me Find My Car Keys
First of the PTA to Die
This Existence Would Be Funny, If It Wasn’t So Terrifying
The Last of The Famous International Songsters That Are Melancholly and Infinitely Sad (Corgan Remix)
I Cried and I Cried and I Cried Some More
You’re The One For Me, Fat Goth Girl That Is So Emotionally Screwed Up That She Devolps a Crush On a Forty Year Old Gay Man
But, of course, Jesus did not forgive me
How can I be happy, when I don’t know what that is?
I’d jump in the Thames, but it would ruin my pants
Republicans Want My Wife To Remain In A Coma Until I Obtain Written Permission To Pull The Plug From Jehovah Himself. (senate floor mix, DJ Jeb).
I wish you’d asked back during the Schiavo trial. I would have made exactly the same joke, but it would have seemed totally witty and on the ball back then.
i’d love to die but the reaper has forgotten to return my calls, and therefore i could never die by your side, fatty
You’ve Got Michael Keaton And Tina Yothers On Your Side, I’ll Have Gene Wilder On Mine
Ubiquitous Ursula’s Uvula
Her Dresser’s A Liar
Using Pencils Is Very Much Akin To Digging Up Your Grandmother’s Body And Skull-Fucking Her While Laughing And Eating Sheperd’s Pie (In The Back Of A Lorry)
‘Twas Nothing, D’Artagnan
I’d rather be chewing on old rusty razor blades
Only my dear sweet auntie understood me and now he’s dead
A day without drugs is… well unimaginable
My favorite goldfish was eaten by my dear cat that was torn apart by the crazed neighbor’s pitbull
- Misery Likes Company But She Rejected Me
- I Looked In The Mirror And I Saw A Ghastly Shadow Of Neverending Sadness
- My Tears Are Never Good Enough
- Happiness Is A Figment Of My Imagination
- Choking In Tea and Misery
- My Soul Died With Hector (A Gang’s Lament)
- There Is No Such Thing As Joy
- I Hate To Smile in Photographs
I like kitties. No really I do.
I may have left the oven on.
The flouresent light hums in my ear and reminds me of the grim spectre of—oh nevermind.
Who will make the tacos to be served at my funeral, assuming anyone bothers to attend.
As far as I am concerned, the more depressing a documentary is, the better.
I’m too tired to hate myself properly anymore, but when you come right down to it I still want to die, more or less.
you ate my kiwi in sloane square.
Some Of Them Are Quotes, Some Of Them Are Sayings
Yes, You Can Marry, But You Will Never Have Any Children
In Every Council Estate A Heartache
When In Rome Do Like The Romans Do, But Please Do Not Crucify Me For I Am No Jesus, Christ.
Tea Bagging
Funny, I Always Just Assumed The Things I Wanted Were Out Of Reach, But Seeing As I’m Rich And Famous It’s No Problem At All, I’ve Found
Bernard, You’re A Lovely Accountant
A Click And A Puff And The Pilot Light Goes On
A Miserable Bouquet Of Flowers, I’ve Just Sat On (Keep Forgetting They’re Back There)
Mackin’ On All The Fly Honeys (Live)
Edit: Mackin’ On All The Fly Honeys (Still Illin’ Mix)
STILL ILLIN’
that’s fucking great!
Hating you is the only thing that keeps me alive.
Mocking Mirror
The Only One Who Knows (Will Never, Ever Say)
Lovely Limp
Fay Brawny
Pink and Twisted
Roy, the Coy Boy
Mother’s Little Bastard (Father’s Only Sin)
I Wish I Could Smile but the Nausea is Hardly Worth the Effort
(A few humble submissions inspired from some terribly amusing ones above.)
Today Is The Last Day Of The Best Part Of My Life (The Worst Is Yet To Come)
I’m Dead Inside, Let’s Celebrate
Kill Me, I’m Human
My milkshake brings all the boys to the loo.
Father And Mother Sucked Out The Syrup From My Chocolate Covered Cherries, Then Replaced Them As If Nothing Had Happened And Later Unconvincingly Expressed Surprise When Confronted About It.
This is Not Supposed To Happen But All my Pringles Potato Chips are crushed to pieces just like you have crushed my heart
It Is Cold Outside So Dress Warmly But What Do You Wear When You’re Cold On The Inside? (Aside From The Peacoat Of Despair)
Step Over to My Side of Melancholy
Winter Boys Melt Away
(I’m a) Celibate Vegetarian for Life
Every Morning I Wake Up and Stub My Toe on the Same Bloody Piece of Furniture (To My Soul’s Amusement)
from a column in the Dallas Observer:
Despite reports from every music news source containing no such information, we have the scoop that Morrissey’s Ringleader of the Torturers is a rock opera about the singer’s lucratively ambiguous sexuality. Coy, jangly tracks include “Touch Me, Don’t Touch Me” and “Let’s Do It, No, We Mustn’t.” A bonus video feature was removed at the last minute, reportedly containing footage of guitarist Alain Whyte sneaking up on a startled Moz knee-deep in copies of Juggs and Popular Science.
The Heartbreak of Psoriasis (Which I Got From My Hairdresser Who Said It Made Him Feel Like His Skin Was On Fire)
May I Borrow Your Asshat, for I Don’t Have One of My Own?
There was a fire at my funeral, and no one burned but me.
Last night i dreamt, I peed in my pants