Welcome to the Grammys 2009, which promises to be a very special night in which Radiohead will perform with the USC marching band (proof!) and Robert Plant & Alison Krauss will win all the awards. Of course with all the promised performances there will be barely any time to hand out tiny gramophones. So far No Age missed their chance to be the first Smell band to win a Grammy (losing best packaging to Metallica’s terrifying vagina) and Rick Rubin beat Danger Mouse for Best Beard in Music Production. We figure nothing can be as bad as will.i.am last year, but he’s here again this year, so we can’t make any promises. Judging from the pre-event arrivals, M.I.A. might make good on her promise to give birth during her performance of “Paper Planes,” so let’s hurry up and get to this. This year’s special treat: We’ve got Gabe and Lindsay from Videogum over to make with the funny, and we’ll have EXCLUSIVE CONTENT on Twitter. You can’t stop this. This Grammys is REAL:
8:00 And we’re off with … U2′s “Sexy Boots.”
8:04: Well that happened. Not as interesting as Paul McCartney’s dye job.
8:05: Whitney Houston gets a standing ovation for not showing up with cocaine on her face!
8:08: Jennifer Hudson gets Best R&B award. Boyz II Men didn’t get the statue but they’re just excited to have a roof over their heads for a night. Everybody wins!
8:10: Damn. The Rock smells like shit.
8:10 Justin Timberlake and Al Green doing “Let’s Stay Together” featuring Keith Urban’s surprisingly tasty licks. The Reverend still has flow. No jokes there.
8:21 Damn, Coldplay didn’t send the puppets. This song is called “Lost.” Chris Martin’s outfit is called whaaaaa?
8:23: On SNAP make that “Lost+” because Jigga is onstage! Introducing the first time Jay-Z’s ever received a golf clap.
8:24: “Viva La Vida.” Man, that string section is CRUSHING IT. Wait, there’s no string section? Right.
8:30: Nice guitar solo, Lita Ford.
8:32: Best Country Performance goes to Sugarland. Yay I guess? You know, country and stuff. Face it, “Stay” is a great song, although Sugarland definitely took some liberties with that Lisa Loeb cover.
8:41: Song Of The Year goes to “Viva La Vida,” written by Joe Satriani (Feat. Creaky Boards).
8:45: At least Coldplay aren’t wearing the same outfits they always do, this time they are a slightly modified hue of ridiculous.
8:46: “Guilty of being white.” Kid Rock just made a Minor Threat reference! Not really, but we’re trying to see the good. Trying and also failing.
8:54: Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift dueting! We saw their red carpet interview with Ryan Seacrest and they totally don’t hate each other, so just relax guys. You can stop caring so much about this.
8:57: Pop Collaboration With Vocals goes to Robert Plant and Alison Krauss, their first win of ALL THE AWARDS.
9:03: Jennifer Hudson gets a standing ovation, which is an appropriate response.
9:09: Can’t wait for that Sully (Feat. T-Pain) joint. More (Feat.) jokes!
9:10: If Stevie could only see all the misery he’s creating.
9:16: Coldplay beats Radiohead for Best Rock Album. I mean obviously, right guys?
9:21: Oh sorry, we blinked and then Blink 182′s reunion was over. Everybody’s back to hating Tom DeLonge again. Travis is much better looking post-helicopter crash than we are ever, so there’s that.
9:23: Katy Perry hits the screen, the keyboards in the Gum liveblog room go crazy.
9:24: Kanye follows the fruit and cleavage show with Estelle and “American Boy.” Everybody’s like who is that girl, we are like Estelle looks like pretty fly in that Hershey Kiss outfit.
9:30: Adele is the latest in a long line of British people taking all our awards tonight what up with that.
9:37: Morgan Freeman summons every last shred of his prowess as an actor in declaring his friendship with Kenny Chesny. Still not buying.
9:40: Robert Plant & Alison Krauss win Record Of The Year, their next in the series of winning ALL THE AWARDS, and depriving all of us of seeing a nine-month pregnant Sri Lankan from walking through the crowd. Now THAT’S (a lost chance at) entertainment.
9:43: Poor Alison never gets to say anything.
9:48: M.I.A.! “Paper Planes” for a second! PRO TIP: Black and white makes you look less pregnant.
9:51: Lil Wayne, Jay-Z, Kanye, and T.I.! The new brat pack! Or something! Admit it, even with carrying a human in her belly Maya’s got better moves than you.
9:56: Sir Paul doing “Saw Her Standing There” with Dave Grohl. Coachella ticket sales go up, Ringo’s spirits stay down.
10:05 Jack Black and jazz-bass great Charlie Haden give the Best Male Pop Vocal to John Mayer, beating Ne-Yo and Macca The cameraman registers his discontent by momentariliy disconnecting the live feed.
10:19: Gweyneth Paltrow, sans faux-British accent, introduces Radiohead. This to make up for all the times her husband bit their shit.
10:20: RADIOHEAD! “15 STEPS!” USC MARCHING BAND. This is the part where we stop typing for a minute and actually watch.
10:21: Between the USC marching band jamming with Radiohead, and the Vassar Orkestar playing with Beirut at BAM this weekend, college band geeks are having the best week ever.
10:22: On Thom Yorke: Now that’s how you dance, bitches. That is also how you grow out your hair.
10:24: Well shit that was good. You guys are right, we should really check out this Radiohead band sometime.
10:29: Justin Timberlake joines T.I. on “Dead And Gone.” This is actually pretty tight. Radiohead you can have your glossy marching band, JT and T.I. will take their rhythms bucket-ghettocore style, thanks.
10:36: Oh nice, the president of Recording of the World. I know this speech is somehow directed at me because he said “downloading,” but this speech also is somehow STOP TALKING YOU ARE GOING TO PUT AMERICA TO SLEEP.
10:38: Smokey Robinson looking good! You can’t see the tracks of his tears because the plastic on his face is water-repellent.
10:47: You know what? Fuck Sully.
10:48: OK gather the kids ’round the TV. Neil Diamond on “Sweet Caroline.” This guy is about to show you bitches how it’s done.
10:49: And it’s done by morphing into William Shatner.
10:53: Dead people montage. Lux Interior better be in this.
10:55: Keith Urban, B.B. King, Buddy Guy, and John Mayer trade solos in tribute to Bo Diddley. A couple people up there are mangling the blues, but B.B. still is doing great with diabetes, btw.
11:02: Thicke and Weezy. Lil Wayne is doing it right, Robin is straight groaning pains. (Zing.)
11:10: Lil Wayne wins Best Rap Album for Tha Carter III. But the surprise is how not-insane he is in accepting the award. He dropped the D, Miss Katie.
11:17 T-Bone, Krauss, Plant. aka the winners of ALL THE AWARDS.
11:18: OK you guys. Alison and Robert totally did it. Right?
11:24: And Album Of The Year goes to….
11:25: Robert Plant and Alison Krauss aka the winners of (you get it by now).
11:26: From the wisdom of Mr. Goldenfiddle: “Grammy Tip: If you ever find yourself already waiting backstage when your award is being announced, YOU WIN.”
11:27: God bless you too T-Bone. And you, Green Day. And you, Stevie Wonder. And you guys for making it through the longest Grammys in Grammy history (unverified fact).
This year the Grammys made overtures to hipness, and relevance, and in the end it still was obvious who was going to win ALL THE AWARDS. Hope you had fun with us. We’ll sign off by noting that NARAS has rather incredibly made Stevie Wonder into Grammy sponsor soundtrack AND the 4th Jonas Brother in the same night. That about says it all. See you tomorrow.
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Is it common knowledge that one Jonas Bro. seems to be missing a chromosome or two?
WHY STEVIE? WHY????????????
did one of the Jonas Brothers just move Stevie Wonder’s microphone? That’s effed.
I like the Night at the Roxbury grinding around Stevie to complete the rape metaphor
Superstition by Stevie Wonder = aceee.
Too bad he had to share the stage with The Jonas Brothers. Right now there are a lot of confused, but understanding teenagers all around America. Please guys, everyone knows you are not playing your guitar.
Oh great, Blink 182 is back. :::sarcasm:::
Blink 182? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
If Coldplay wins it’s even more pointless.
Shit, I wanted Kings of Leon to get Best Rock Album.
Oh well, I still got Death Cab and Radiohead to hope for.
Noooo! How can Coldplay win Rock album!? It should have went to Kings of Leon or Raconteurs!
Guys- Kings Of Leon are the best
Chris Martin walks where ever the fuck he wants.
Hahaha yeah. That was akward.
OMG. Blink 182 is back!
Why?!!!!!!!!!
Tom Delonge seems so enthused to be reuniting with Blink-182….
Yeah, I would have loved to see KoL win.
ah well
It was kinda like if the Jonas Brothers stopped chanting “C’mon Stevie!,” the dude was just gonna get up and leave.
there has been gaping void in the music world for songs about taking dumps and masturbating. thank god Blink 182 is back!
Any chance the updates could also be of interest to those not watching the telecast? Different time-zone, at work, don’t know what you’re talking about most of time.
Surely. We’ll try to be more informative from here (9:35 EST) on out!
In honor of Stevie/Jonas Radiohead and Miley are doing 2 + 2 = 7 Things I Hate About You near the end of the broadcast
pretending to be gay is the new gay.
Guarantee everyone talking shit about blink 182 do not turn the radio off when dammit or feeling this comes one. That’s fact.
I appreciate Katy Perry’s sensible shoes.
Though I can’t stand her I thought Katy Perry had a decent voice. I was wrong.
that’s called production value my friend
Katie Perry dances like a wooden Indian.
OMG…Stevie wonder must be blind and deaf now!
Hahaha @ Craig Ferguson. He said a good joke, but no one laughed. People at the Grammys are dead, man.
Gee, how sad is it that Katy Perry can’t dance. I had never heard more than the chorus for this song, and I’m glad I had managed to avoid it until now.
She’s another Amy Winehouse, still performing the same song. One hit wonders, when will they fade away? Katy must get working on that scandalous lifestyle to keep people talking about her.
that song is waaaaaay longer than i thought it would be.
Helicopter crash? Since when is a Learjet 60 a helicopter?
I honestly didn’t get this headache until Katy Perry performed.
Is the Grammy unaware that “American Boy” is not a Kanye song?
Either way great song/performance.
I think Kayne’s jacket is worth more than my car…
why is kanye trying to bring back the urban mullet?
Who knew that the Grammys bought the Arrested Development sets?
Kanye, please fix that awful mullet!!!!
And that song they did was catching, maybe I’ll download it…
I’m lovin Kanye’s Lionel Ritchie haircut
Oh Kanye, thought you would get off the stage without taking a stab on how you never win anything. I guess I was wrong. Good performance, though.
I’m lovin Kanye’s Lionel Ritchie haircut
Katy Perry just gave the Jonases their first boner. Aww.
Did any else want to hear Kanye open the envelope and say, “The Grammy goes to… me, bitches!”
i laughed so hard when the camera panned to the Jonas brothers after Katy Perry finished her gaudy girl kisses. just in time to see their awkward applause..
SHWING.
helicopter crash? try learjet! he crashes copters for fun…
Adele is the girl that none of your friends know you’re banging
No.
I can’t get enough of Kanye with that new hairstyle, outstanding!
MORGAN FREEDMAN! FINALLY!
Morgan Freeman is in everything!
Mothers! Lock up your daughters, Morgan Freeman and Kenny Chesney are on the town!
Why did morgan freeman have a really obvious fake hand? lol
Introducing Kenney Chesney is on Morgan Freeman’s bucket list.
Up next: Lady Antebellum’s salute to Lux Interior
who were those little white flies swarming around Stevie Wonder?
M.I.A FTW!!! Psyche!
MY GOD M.I.A IS HUGE.
please put that gum on the bottom of your chair, adele!
What exactly is the difference between Song and Record of the Year?
Record of the Year goes to artist, producer and engineers, while Song of the Year goes to the songwriter alone.
omg! os mutantes in a mc donalds commercial
MIA about to burst…
I could have sworn Morgan Freeman was about to introduce Maya Angelou
Hello Puff Daddy, please meet T. Bone Burnett. He’s a record producer.
nuff wit dis robert plant biznezz, sure I love the zeppelin but this is redonkulous. After putting out that turd of an album “manic nirvana” he should be barred from winning another award for the rest of his music life no matter however non-crappy its deemed. Also did I mention I asked for a led zeppelin shirt once for Christmas and my mom bought me a Robert Plant manic nirvana t-shirt. I’m not bitter though.
seriously what is up with freeman’s hand?
If she was this preggers in October: http://www.brooklynvegan.com/archives/2008/10/mia_is_pregnant.html
How is she still pregnant???
Shit, that’s a great point. I’m 5 months pregnant, and I’m barely showing. In October, MIA looked like she was in her 3rd trimester.
Queen Latifa takes too many liberties…
Queen Latifah… The Queen of Segues.
M.I.A. got fat
adelle SPIT YOUR GUM OUT!
Wow they turned M.I.A. into her own back-up singer…ap
Wow they turned M.I.A. into her own back-up singer…
fuck I double posted.
Gee, poor MIA. She’s now “that pregnant chick that opened the song”. Couldn’t they have given her at least a couple of more seconds? Also, was it only my tv that turned black and white for half the performance?
I’m glad M.I.A. even if her chorus was prerecorded and looking at all the meat is kinda freaky. Jay-Z, Kanye and Lil’ Wayne were awesome, TI is outclassed.
I’m glad M.I.A. was there even if her chorus was prerecorded and looking at all the meat is kinda freaky. Jay-Z, Kanye and Lil’ Wayne were awesome, TI is outclassed.
M.I.A. doing her best Adele impression.
Oh, Grow the fuck up
If I ever get pregnant, I want to be as cool as MIA
Dave Ghrol reminds me of Animal from the Muppets
bracing myself for MIA outfit snark across the blogosphere
mia is the pregnantest woman i have ever seen
what? they couldn’t have gotten ringo to play drums?
my family could not stop talking shit about M.I.A. I thought it was awesome.
I noticed Os Mutantes in that commercial and freaked out. that’s nuts.
so excited for Radiohead.
GET TO RADIOHEAD!
M I A PWNS all those foolz, prego 4 life
Viva La Vida is a musical Valkeryie
anyone els think Jack Black seemed a little desperate?
re: Dave Grohl – I guess ringo was busy?
John Mayer makes me sleepy
Jay Mohr you’re so white!!!!!
Whoa, they simply snubbed Ringo. Why not invite his to play the drums and have Dave Ghrol play guitar too? And for some reason I thought it was going to be a medley, a bit disappointed right now.
Please Radiohead come on tv, so I can stop watching this!
(Kate Beckinsale was overdressed, this ain’t the Oscar’s honey)
Apparently we are cratching Stereogum’s site… they should have seen it coming. It’s Radiohead at the Grammys… against Coldplay. Doesn’t get bigger than that.
Has Kanye got screwed yet?
Hey! This isn’t the Lisa Loeb song! Oh, I see what you guys did there. Very funny, Gum.
Jay Mohr wins the drunkest presenter award.
I wish Adele smoked crack.
why is she chasing penguins? couldn’t you go someplace warmer and chase something else??? how about pigeons
I can’t believe Adele wrote a song about stalking Stephen Malkmus
eh i could take or leave radiohead…im pumped for the neil diamond performance!
I really like Chasing Pavements. Maybe I should go live in Starbuck’s.
SNAP! Chris Martin’s wife introduces Radiohead!
Mrs. Martin announcing Radiohead.
RADIOHEADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
Thom Yorke is the most fashionable.
finally radiohead
i bet you none of those USC kids are fans / have ever heard of Radiohead.
Gwynnie winks at Chris Martin after announcing the utterly brillinat Radiohead. HA!
Who’s laughing at the nerds in the marching band now?
god, thom’s dancing is horrible. why am i the only person that hates radiohead?
This guy has a wish: be at the top of Stereogum’s worst comments by the end of 2009. let’s help him out shall we?
(I was with you on the dancing part)
No need, he’s going to be #1 by tomorrow
i know i stand alone in this hatred for them but it must be said.
Don’t be sad, red Is totally your color
If only I could click the red down arrow more than once…
The dancing is awesome. Thats the way kids dance or the way you dance when you think your alone. Its nice.
Pretending to hate Radiohead here doesnt work. They have a career that is too varied to HATE every album and also like the bands they discuss here. Its scientifically impossible. I mean seriously, I read it somewhere.
Anyway, go be contrary elsewhere. Don’t you have some sleeves to cut off of your shirts?
i’m sorry, ace, but it is possible to desteste someone’s sound.
Ya, but their sound has changed pretty dramatically from album to album. I think the bigger point, though, is that there is no way you can hate that sound and LIKE most of the bands that stereogum extolls since so many of them are directly influenced by Radiohead. You just want to sound “hipper than thou” by hating a band that everyone else knows is categorically amazing. The only thing worse than a hipster is someone who thinks they’re above being a hipster….and yes I am aware of the inherent irony there.
We can surely find a worse comment in 2009, sure this one sucks but let’s not grant this person their wish. Just a thought.
If CBS is gonna stick their television actors on the Grammys can we at least get Neil Patrick Harris as Dr. Horrible?
where’s the rest of radiohead?
Pretty cool performance. I’ll await the ripped mp3s tomorrow!
Grammys = the award sho where lead singers go to act out.