This month, music magazines (they’re like blogs, but boring and paper) trot out their annual Coachellapaloozaroo guides. If you read some on your flight to Indio, you probably won’t forget sunscreen tomorrow. But if you didn’t pick up the new issue of Spin, you’re missing out on some valuable festival survival tips from Fountains Of Wayne video star Demetri Martin…
MASTER THE FINE ART OF SQUIRRELING
Overeat grotesquely in the days before the festival, like a squirrel loading up for the winter. That way you won’t have to scarf so many $16 gyros once you get there.
BRING AND THROW A BEACH BALL
Music sounds way better when you get clocked in the back of the head with a giant plastic projectile. Plus, the spinning colors look pretty to people who are tripping. It’s nice to give a little something back.
SHOW YOUR APPRECIATION
People used to hoist lighters at concerts when they liked a song. Now it’s cell phones. If you really like a song, go the extra mile by lighting your cell phone on fire and holding it aloft.
BRING SOMEONE PALE AND/OR FANCY
Metrosexuals and goths are both poorly equipped for festival life and therefore can be an entertaining addition to any group. Lonely, high-maintenance people + crowded outdoor arenas = funny. Wagering on the onset of heartstroke is a good way to pass the downtime between bands.
PLAN FOR THE PORTA-POTTY
Get into the line when you don’t have to go, because by the time you get to the front you will. Once you’re inside, apply a binder clip or $40 T-shirt over your nose and try to think about other things, like a meadow or a rain forest, or clouds made out of cotton candy.
Those are Demetri’s “DOs.” Check out Spin for the “DON’Ts” … with illustrations! If you thought drum circles were hell, you don’t wanna know about drum parallelograms.
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He always knows just what to say.
why do people insist on beleiving that fatrussian.com/same.joke.forever is funny. dude could use some tubby time to remove the nine skins of grease from his face, and a take on things that is also funny, by way of an original thought.
just because an ugly dude on a screen says the same shit that you’re freinds say at the bar does not make it superlative humor.
uh, are you confusing demetri martin and eugene mirman, chris?
Chris,
I think you’re talking about eugene mirman, demetri martin is the greek guy who does trendspotting on the daily show
uh, are you confusing demetri martin and eugene mirman, chris?
um, methinks you’re confusing demetri martin and eugene mirman, chris.
double post?
damn internal errors.
Nobody has pointed out that Chris is confusing Demitri Martin and Eugene Mirman yet.
Chris man, I think you’re confusing Demetri Martin and Eugene Mirman.
Chris, did you get that TPS report memo about not confusing Eugene Mirman and Demetri Martin? Don’t do it again, thanks.
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Eugene Mirman you’re confusing Demetri Martin with, Chris.
Please try get it right next time, there’s a certain level of conduct that needs to be maintained on online comment boards.
chris? mirman, eugene and martin demetri confusing you are, uh.
liek lol chris, eugene mirman =/= demetri martin, rofl
I love you guys.
HAHA
You know, I get the feeling Chris may be confusing Demetri Martin with someone… but I’m not sure who. Can someone help me by telling me who Chris could possibly be confusing Demetri Martin with?
your confused chris. why hasn’t anyone noticed?
i just love that when there’s a comedy described as fat and having “9 layers of grease” on his face, everyone knows it mirman.