Welcome to Stereogum’s sarcastic play-by-play of the 50th Annual Grammy Awards. We’re moments before showtime and Amy Winehouse has already won Best Pop Vocal Album, Best Female Pop Vocal Performance, and a new set of teeth. Tonight promises an exciting look back at the last year in recorded pop music, including some interesting collaborations: Tina Turner & Beyoncé, Fergie & John Legend, Cher & Nelly Furtado, Rihanna & The Time, Bonnie Raitt & Soulja Boy. We only made up one of those! Also this year: the first-ever celebration of The Beatles. Join us…
8:03
And we’re off. Old black & blue eyes gives us a nice little explanation of the Grammys. What year is this?
8:04
Alicia Keys and Frank Sinatra duet! Frank’s image is rendered too big, Grammy tech team.
8:05
C’mon Frank. You’re mailing this performance in.
8:06
In case you’re wondering, Alicia’s wearing Armani. And not a lot of it around the boob area.
8:09
Carrie Underwood and her glitter legwarmers(?) perform “Before He Cheats.” Big band for the amount of music they’re making! Is that Cirque de Soleil in the background? Or the cast of Stomp?
8:12
Prince! Where’s his penis guitar? Morris Day must be shitting himself right now.
8:13
Alicia Keys takes home the Best Female R&B vocal performance. Her acceptance speech marks the first win for God on the night. If you’re keeping score so far, that’s: God 1, Barack 0.
8:20
Sorry guys, technical difficulty on the cable end had us drop out for a sec. We rejoin the broadcast to find Morris Day and the muthafuckin’ Time, Rihanna, and lots of her signature umbrellas. Oh-ee-oh-ee-oh … ay, ay ay.
8:26
That guy from Bosom Buddies recites a love letter to The Band. Taking a swipe at Canada, eh?
8:27
And now Tom Hanks’s on to the Beatles. It appears Yoko stole Slash’s hat.
8:29
OK, now it really is Cirque de Soleil. And, more umbrellas.
8:31
Amazingly the Cirque has managed to combine “A Day In The Life” and Young Einstein for what has gotta be the worst car commercial ever.
8:32
The VW bug just blew up. Herbieeee! Hope Lohan’s okay.
8:33
Mom’s dead. We’re smelling a medley. Which Beatles song is most appropriate for the death of an acrobat?
8:34
And the answer is “Let It Be.” Tay Zonday, finally getting his due.
8:35
This isn’t horrible, really. Just super confusing. Scenes from that Beatles movie nobody watched. We think.
8:36
Hey it’s Miley Cyrus and Sweeney Todd!
8:37
Amazingly the old folks home that is NARAS wasn’t scared away by Amy Winehouse’s crack headed ways. Best New Artist goes to her. And the “how many times can Feist get robbed” count is on! Who’s that not-Kevin-Drew guy sitting next to her?
8:39
Sad observation: The Grammy has crack pipe potential. We’ll find out when The Sun or the Daily Mirror inevitably posts the heartbreaking video.
8:41
Michael Bluth introduces the contest to help find “the Foos” a string accompanist in a My Grammys moment.
8:42
Text 4 to make it stop.
8:47
Kanye and the Daft Punk pyramid collaborate on “Stronger.” Pretty sure he can’t see out of those glasses.
8:50
We’ve been trying to make a Tron joke but Daft Punk seems to have beat us to it.
8:51
Kanye turns off his shirt in respect for his mom.
8:54
Duet: John Legend and Fergie. We can hide under her manbrella.
8:55
Fergie tries to convince people she actually can sing after this debacle.
8:57
Verdict: FAIL
8:58
Ringo has to keep his acceptance speech under 90 seconds or Kelly Ripa takes the Grammy back.
9:00
Cher introduces Beyoncé. There are 65 Henson puppeteers controlling her mouth.
9:06
Teach us about divas in Grammy history, B.
9:07
Tina Turner performs “What’s Love Got To Do With It.” It won Song of the Year back in ’85. See, more than one person can teach you about divas in Grammy history. Suck on that Beyoncé.
9:10
Guessing she’s not about to eulogize Ike.
9:12
B and Tina duet on “Proud Mary,” which Beyoncé performed with Jewel at DIVAS Live back in ’03. So, no excuse if this sucks.
9:17
More tech difficulties here. While we wait to get back live, we’ll answer your queries: Yes, Bright Eyes won a Grammy! For best packaging.
9:23
And we’re back. Foo Fighters, with the help of upstart John Paul Jones and his great scoring ways, give us “The Pretender.” Somebody should punch these guys in the mouth just before eating.
9:34
Art Brut joins of Monty in T-Mobile’s attempt to woo thine hipster heart. Don’t worry, Eddie; selling out isn’t possible.
9:35
This just in: George Lopez is still Mexican.
9:36
Some things you can do while the country music is playing:
a) Go to the bathroom
b) Play Rock Band
c) Put on your cowboy hat, pack a chaw, and admit this is your favorite music. In the comments.
9:39
Akon is resisting every urge in his body to hoist Chris Brown and chuck him into the audience.
9:41
Kanye wins Best Rap Album. Guess it’s time to retire those “Kanye crashes the stage” jokes. Outlasting the music, props to Ronson, turning on his jacket in respect for his mom.
9:45
Aretha Franklin comes out with a massive Justice logo hanging over her head. She’s so fucking hip!
9:55
For those wondering, that was in fact Daft Punk, and not faux robots. That was their first ever TV performance, and that was an “original version of ‘Stronger’ that they created specifically for the event.” Here’s the official LEDtastic photograph, from earlier tonight backstage:
9:59
A performance from “a great new artist, Feist.” Hey music-heads, doesn’t that “1234″ sound transposed down a key or two?
10:00
Yes we too are frantically scouring the backing band’s faces to see who’s from an indie rock band. Looks like Grizzly Bear, the National, New Pornos et al didn’t get the Grammy invite. Also, re: Indie Hottie, Feist “can’t believe she beat Jenny Lewis!” Also she can’t believe she’s got something in her eye on national television.
10:04
Keely Smith and Kid Rock. Kid Rock has Gogootz?
10:05
We think KR’s gonna get some tonight if he wants it.
10:05
Best Rock Album goes to Foo Fighters’ Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace.
10:13
Stevie Wonder hits the stage to celebrate Berry Gordy. Either he’s wearing a sweater, or he put his jacket on backwards.
10:16
Did Alicia Keys’s hair grow like four inches since the beginning of the show?
10:17
Hey a keyboard on the runway! Who left that there?
10:17
John Mayer! Our spy on the ground reports Johnny’s been backstage soloing the entire night, just hoping he’d get called onstage.
10:18
Ringo Starr and Dave Stewart. How embarrassing — they wore the same head.
10:20
Vince Gill wins Best Country Album. We last saw him at the Brian Wilson tribute.
10:21
Kanye just put Vince Gill on his list. His list of people to kill.
10:22
Ooh! Did you hear there was a performance from Amy Winehouse coming up?
10:27
A tribute to Itzhak Pearlman and Max Roach, by Fat Tony. (Yeah we Google’d Itzhak.)
10:29
And still managed to misspell his last name! Ha, sorry, Perlman.
10:31
Guarantee you Kid Rock is taking a bath with Keely right now.
10:32
“Rhapsody In Blue.” Since the time this song started Amy Winehouse has been in and out of rehab.
10:32
Since the time this song started the backlash to the backlash to Vampire Weekend already happened. And is over.
10:33
Since the time this song started Vince Gill has been punched in the face six times by Kanye’s bodyguards.
10:34
Since the time this song started we caught up on this season of LOST.
10:34
Since the time this song started Kid has shown Keely Smith his Googootz. Thee times.
10:34
Since the time this song started Aretha Franklin ate her entire backup band.
10:34
Since the time this song started the writer’s strike ended, and a new strike started.
10:34
Hey did anybody notice that was a long song?
10:35
Tom Cruise??
10:37
Jay-Z helps Rihanna accept the Best Rap Song Collab award. Thinking Jigga may bust a verse in that speech there.
10:43
Ah Cuba Gooding, Jr. At last, some class.
10:44
Imagine being in a club at 3AM in London, waiting for Amy Winehouse to come on … and Cuba Gooding Jr. was your host.
10:45
So this is a big night for Amy! Can you see her new teeth?
10:47
As for her performance … she’s not smoking crack! So that’s a start.
10:49
The guys at rehab have gotta love that song. Was there an audible sigh of relief in the theater?
10:50
Tony Bennett and Natalie Cole. The Grammy tech crew has its size thing screwed up again.
10:52
Amy Winehouse wins Record Of The Year! Amy looks, confused:
Glad Ray Ray got a shout out at least.
10:54
Great speech, Amy! It’s about time somebody gave London some props for being a music mecca.
10:56
is this one of those Bill Gates retiring videos?
11:01
Michael Gross from Family Ties lectures us on the meaning of music, recording, and radio compensation. And he introduces … Eldar! Eldar apparently is NARAS’s shining example of why the next 50 years of music is “right here.” Sit Ubu, sit.
11:04
Groban and Andrea Bocelli. Oprah is creaming her pantsuit.
11:15
A performance featuring John Fogerty, Jerry Lee Lewis, and Little Richard, all of whom are still alive.
11:26
Did she just say “Professor” will.i.am? He must’ve got his PhD in ruinin’ shit.
11:27
Our heads are spinning at all the subpar musical references!
11:28
will.i.ain’t. Plug our ears? Yes We Can.
11:30
Album of the Year goes to … River: The Joni Letters! What. Even Herbie Hancock didn’t know that album came out this year and he made it!
11:31
Herbie’s award winning fingers in action:
11:40
Two And A Half Men promo? It’s officially time for us to turn off CBS. Some parting thoughts: Upset about Album Of The Year going to Herbie Hancock? Our theory: NARAS just called everybody’s bluff on nobody giving a shit about the Grammys. This was the night of rehab averse crooners, lame duets, and Mama hair fades. Thanks for joining us tonight. Hope it made it less painful!
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Vince Gill doesn’t want to live.
I liked the bit about music being a true democracy.
Angels, nor demons ROCK!
Only men/[women], make music.
yes, Feist has been playing 1,2,3,4 1/2 step down down in C# lately…
Cause it’s not Metal Death.
nas is wearing a shirt that says ‘nigger’ on it: http://nahright.com/news/2008/02/10/obligatory-grammys-post/#comments
umm itzhak isn’t playing in this performance, btw. come on, stereogum!
Is that Colin Farrell’s cousin?
absolute best part is still kanye shutting down the walk-off music.
Wait wait wait…I’d like to check you for ticks?
I’m speechless.
@asdf
Don’t worry, you’ll be able to read about it tomorrow…everywhere.
Here’s Amy.
I’m already unimpressed.
As the greatest living artist, this shit is insulting. On so many levels.
It is propaganda like Snoozeweek or Fox Snooze for artists. The Beatles tribute had war scenes during Let It Be. I changed the channel. Maybe it was from the Across the Universe movie or the Love show, but you know how John Lennon would have felt. You know Paul McCartney would endorse the shit (on a platter).
Revolution happened, for real. You couldn’t kill John Lennon and you can’t kill me. Truth.
You’re not watching artists, for the most part you are watching liars, people who sing corporate jingles.
Talk about Wintersox. Why aren’t you? If you’re not, you’re fucking stupid. Just because your daddy on television or magazine writers aren’t telling you to, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.
I thank God for this award.
Here Comes the Party People (Classic Book)
http://wintersox.blogspot.com/
Rock and roll legend
Wintersox
Is Cuba Gooding Jr. our new ambassador to the UK?
Someone explain what’s so interesting about Amy Winehouse? Her dad’s a doctor, grew up in a rich family, and produced by copycat silver-spooner Mark Ronson. Yet she tries to sing soul music?
Amy Winehouse is like the John Mayer of England. Except the cocaine part. And the teeth thing.
wintersox, you’re a hack just like everything you denounce
I had it on mute and happened to see Amy Winehouse and she freaking killed it! And looked veddy, veddy healthy. Hell yeah, Grammy time, girl! I love it.
Wintersox, with all due respect, your blog really bites.
Don’t ever graduate from Art School.
Bullshit, man. You talk shit about my art, that’s your grave. I’m the real thing in art. You’re a demon, not even a spectator.
You try to ruin my good name, I own you. Read the famous book I wrote. Or go look at the art on that blog. I’m the real thing with the art to prove it.
http://wintersox.blogspot.com/
When was the last time you or anyone you think is great did something like that? Fucking never.
Did Sharon Jones win album of the year?
wintersox is the soy bomb of liveblogging.
alas, his face will give me nightmares.
i <3 amy winehouse.
Naptime!
Daniel Johnston Nirvana
Hi, how are you? I’m the best.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dk4er_ZUHsc
that wintersox blog is a brilliant satire of…
something.
definitely something
Gotta love how the RIAA is building a white elephant “Grammy Museum” at a time of record losses in the industry.
Who’s their economic advisor, Mitt Romney?
breaking news: viral advertising (read: spamming) on stereogum while they live-blog the grammy’s and are guaranteed to have a huge audience is now art!
tp-
Wintersox’s fugly mug induces nightmares of Winehousian proportions.
Fogelberg FTW
“wintersox is the soy bomb of liveblogging.”
How does it feel
To be
Like a Rolling Stone?
At least they lumped all of the lame stuff together.
Can’t stand up to some old businessman? You can’t? What do you mean you can’t? Of course you can. Love, you can repeat the past.
Andrea Bocelli – now there’s a blind man who knows how to dress.
Wynonna got thin and OLD!
I feel bad…I forgot to send Jerry Lee Lewis a card for his 340th birthday last month.
John Fogerty rules. At least when he was in CCR.
Now? Not so much.
I recall a time when old people were cool and so were award shows:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nd5-ZTyaMMs
WHy is Fogerty rockin that ugly-fuck guitar? i thought winehouse was finished, but she looked and was amazing. i used to use her as the old ‘think of renee zellwegger’ orgasm-slower; now she’s hot as fuckery. Little RIchard is still the balls.
It is officially ‘Grammys: Dinosaur Edition!’
Do Grammy viewers even know who Art Brut is?
The Grammys sure have a lot of water commercials.
…Thirsty…
Can we go ahead and warn the authorities? Wintersox is three short blogs away from going postal.
Professor?
I’m dropping out of class!
Can Nas make a SAMBO T-shirt for Will.I.Am???
Karen Filippelli’s dad is looking old!
Herbie Hancock is the Steely Dan of this year Grammys.
As much I loves me some Fogerty, his guitar looks like it was purchased at a Kay-Bee.
The Grammys are now like the Super Bowl: Without the corporate sponsors it wouldn’t even exist.
Of course with all the funding to the arts cut off after eight fucking years of the Bush Administration — or shall I say the Bush Asphyxiation — it’s no wonder that real creativity and fresh young talent has taken a back seat to the bottom line.
Reflecting a dearth in this, here’s Will.I.Am with one of the most hilariously badw freestyles I’ve seen this side of Kanye’s half-hearted breakdown on SNL last year.
And now, here’s Mark Ronson getting an award because he’s got money and lawyers to pay for all the licensed songs that he re-records and covers?
Yes We Can!
Grammy album of the year going to Herbie Handcock?
Awesome, but honestly, isn’t that like steak n’ shake celebrating beluga caviar?
Herbie Hancock – for album of the year? Huh.
Should have went to Kanye or Amy.
Herbie Hancock is the Steely Dan of this year grammys.
You didn’t hear Herbie making comments about the music.
A true class act.
And way ahead of Kanye with cool videos.
‘Rockit’ anyone?
YAY!
KANYE DIDN’T WIN ALBUM OF THE YEAR!!!
who was the kid singing “let it be”?
maybe now shitgum can commision MGMT to cover “rock it”
actually…not the worst idea.
WTF HANCOCK
That was really disappointing.
maybe its just the adderall talking, but i got the major ball-tingles from via-satellite amy wino
you know one million people just went ‘you mean that ‘rockit’ guy?
:]
and the keyboard riff begins.
I know he was talking about bipolar disorder but I think I have schizophrenia because before I knew it I was watching Progressive.com
Okay, I’m throwing in the towel.
That’s why they called me ‘towel head’ in school. Not just because they were bigots. Of course not.
I’m throwing in the towel because I’m off to the Dennys in Westwood for the unoffical after-party.
See ya’ll next year!
Herbie talked about breaking the mold giving the award to a jazz album. How about giving it to a hip-hop album? That would be something new.
Kanye got robbed.
WTF! The Grammys lose all credibility, and I’m not fucking joking. The Foo Fighters are the most generic rock in existence, them even being nominated is a joke, let alone winning. Album of the year not going to Kanye is a fucking atrocity.
garrett, i agree kanye should have won, but a hip hop album winning album of the year wouldn’t be something new…outkast did it a few years ago.
u made the grammies so much better stereogum. i was LOLing all the way with ur sarcastic remarks. thanks!
btw, i actually liked the kanye west performance.
hey, obama won a grammy, too:
http://www.reuters.com/article/vcCandidateFeed1/idUSN0852813420080210
JOSH GROBAN AND ANDREA BOCELLI? HOW MANY FUKCING MILLIONS OF DOLLARS DID BOCELLI GET PAID TO SING WITH THAT CUNT FACE?
sorry i dont like that other dude
btw stereogum ur blog jsut made my day :p
Fact of the matter is that Herbie has more musicality in his pinky finger than Kanye does in his whole body. Herbie is a legend. Kanye is only a legend in his own mind.
This is a message from Wintersox in the secret language of rock and roll.
You should listen.
When I chow down
With Leonard and Roshi
It is up on Mt. Baldy
Where the food is good
Dude, the grammys was awesome tonight. I don’t know what you’re getting so huffy about. Hancock deserve to win.
Is it me, or were Tina Turner’s nipples at full salute through that silver suit?
That’s kinda gross cause she’s like old and stuff.
FYI: Since I’m from Detroit and so is Aretha Franklin and I worked in the service industry, she was too lazy or maybe to fat/drunk/whatever, to go to the restroom, so she just relieved herself in the cloth booth….yeah…she’s so fuckin’ hip?! This is not an urban legend! We never sat in any cloth booths there, I’ve been away for 10 year….I can’t remember the name of the “old school” joint she frequented.
lesson for tonight: singers need to practice what the eff to do with their bodies when singing. example: fest, amy winehouse, beyonce.
holy crap! dave groel is crazy in this interview!
not sure if he admits to preparing for the grammys with coke but it sure sounds like it.
http://www.blender.com/news/comments.aspx?article=10472&src=tstdg
I’m pretty sure Dave Grohl says he prepared for the grammys last night with Cocaine…
http://www.blender.com/news/comments.aspx?article=10472&src=tstdg
Ick! Look, all that the Grammys have become anymore is, “hey, let’s celebrate the artists of our past generations whom still makes music! God bless ‘em!” I agree completely, Kenye West should have won, although it was a relatively weak album (compared to his back catalogue), but really, what did you expect? Herbie’s old. Let’s give it to him! I liked that ‘Rocket’ whutzitz song from 1985!
Justice got robbed, I tell you! Robbed!
Oh, and spoiler alert: wintersox is in actuality a disgruntled Paul McCartney, angry over not being nominated for Best New Artist, and everything else for the 80th year in a row. God damn, I hate Paul McCartney, but that’s another rant for another day…
Oh god bless the blogosphere for giving every douchebag in the world a ‘voice’ and ‘creative outlet’ for their own trite “witty” commentary.
Is anything good anymore?
and wintersox, you create nothing worthy of an audience. fucking get over yourself.
Pretty Boy Jeff – what exactly by way of candor and wit are YOU contributing here?
Just move along to your Rufus Wainwright concert. Nuthin’ to see here.