Famous Helping People
In tsunami-related rock news...
This post was sorta depressing and Stereogum is supposed to be entertaining, so here's the script for one of my all-time favorite Conan O'Brien sketches. It's where the name of this blog entry comes from...
THE MAKING OF "HELP WITH YOUR HEART"
CONAN: I think its just a chance for us to sort of do our part, this is our chance to sorta put ourselves on the line, put ourselves to the test. Reach out, help people. You know, we'll figure out the exact cause later on. But for right now, just to help, you know get in that whole helping thing. We just want to raise enough money to help out. Whatever cause we end up choosing, just to sorta help. I've been saying, look its not like were just gonna choose some specific cause. You know, like "Hey, this song is just for cancer and the rest of you can just go to hell." That's not what were about....
ANDY: Well, Conan just gave me like a time and an address and I didn't know it was for a song or anything. I had this friend in town visiting and we were supposed to go to lunch. But when I found out it was about helping people, you know, I couldn't say no. And besides, they got sandwiches so I mean it all worked out.
***
CONAN: OK people just settle down everybody and just figure out who's here and who's still to come. Max, OK you're here. Andy?
ANDY: Yeah. I'm getting the sign up. [sign reads: "Famous Helping People"]
CONAN: OK, get that up if you can. Phil Colins, is Phil Colins here? Anyone seen Phil Colins? Tina Turner? Did Tina Turner show up? Alright, uh, Huey Lewis, where's Huey Lewis?
MAX: He didn't come.
CONAN: What? Huey Lewis couldn't make it? What's he doing? Where's Huey Lewis?! All right, Boy George, is he still ... he's still alive right? Is the door well marked?
***
Cut to the street, Conan looking in cars.
CONAN: I'm looking for someone, I'm sorry. Have you seen Tina Turner?
PERSON IN CAR: No.
CONAN: Is Tina Turner around?
***
Back in studio.
CONAN: Well, who is, right now who's here? OK we've got Max, you're here. Max is here.
ANDY: I'm still here.
CONAN: And Andy.
***
MAX: Well, when Conan asked me to be part of this great event I said of course. I work for Conan. I have to do what he says.
***
Sting enters studio.
STING: Hi.
CONAN: Hi Sting, I'm Conan O'Brian. Nice to see you, glad you could make it.
STING: Where's everybody else, what's going on?
CONAN: Well this is pretty much it. We had some last minute no-shows.
STING: This is it?
CONAN: Yeah. But we're in great shape. I mean, let me introduce you to the guys. We're in great shape, come on in. Max. I want you to meet ... you know Max.
STING: Oh yeah, hi Max.
CONAN: He's more of a drummer than a singer, but its all about the effort. This is Andy.
STING: We've met before.
ANDY: Yeah.
CONAN: This is "Oldy" Olson. Oldy plays on a baseball team of ours. So during the baseball strike he was nice enough to come out. This is a friend of Andy's.
MARSH: Big Fan.
CONAN: He's actually a pretty good singer. He's OK, I mean he's better than Max.
STING: What's his name?
ANDY: Marsh.
STING: What, this is it?!?
CONAN: Yeah, I mean we got um ... do you do, just as a side thing, do you do other voices? Do you do a Phil Colins?
STING: Do I do a Phil Colins?
CONAN: Yea, do you do like a Phil Colins, or any impressions?
STING: No, I don't.
CONAN: Okay...
STING: Let me see what were singing here. [looks at sheet music] I'm not sure I can do this song.
CONAN: Come on, what are you talking about? We got everybody here. I mean we went to a lot ... It's going to be great and we're actually "Famous Helping People!"
STING: (to his assistant) Kathy, I don't think we should ... Don't we have somewhere else to go?
CONAN: Just talk right into that microphone. It's just one line.
STING: Which line?
CONAN: Well I think this is the best line for you. "Help with your knees." You know...
STING: What does that mean?
CONAN: You know its like using every part of yourself to help.
***
FAMOUS HELPING PEOPLE
CONAN
When folks need our help
We gotta make time to help
Gotta reach out and lend them a hand.
MAX
Yes we gotta help each other
Sister, uncle and brother
Animals too, if we can.
ANDY
So help with your hands
And help with you're heart
MARSH
And help with you're head and you're hair
STING
Help with you're knees
OLDY
Or whatever you please
ALL
Help, Help, Help, Help, Help, Help if you can.
MAX
You gotta do what's right
By the children, the infants and the babies
CONAN
Whether white, green, yellow,
Burnt sienna, or black, oh mama ahh!
OLDY
Cause we need a yes not a maybe
Gotta help them help themselves
ANDY
As they help others who are helping them right back.
CONAN
Yes you got to help people
Cause people need our help
And you got to do the very best you can.
I suggest we do our best
And we haven't put ourselves to the test
If together we will work throughout the land.
I wanna say mama ahhh!
***
ANDY: I'm a little, I'm worried about Conan's choice. I mean it's not so much his singing, its just he's a little hammy. He oversells things. And I was wondering if you could talk to him, you know.
MAX: Gee, I mean he seems very committed to the part.
ANDY: Right, right. You've been in the music business for awhile, if you could talk to him and maybe just tell him to take it down a notch.
MAX: Maybe, sorta just suggest that he get in the group framework a bit more.
ANDY: Yea, yea. Would you do that?
MAX: No.
***
ANDY: It's going great, you're doing a great job.
CONAN: Yea, you know I don't think we need Huey Lewis. It's really, really going great.
ANDY: Well, there's one thing I wanted to talk to you about. You know the part of the song where you get all worked up, that "I wanna say ahh!"
CONAN: I wanna say ahhhhh! Right, right.
ANDY: Maybe, maybe Sting should sing that part. It just kinda seems like a natural for him.
CONAN: Yea, um, I guess. Is he thought of as a singing guy? Like, a singer? He's a bass player. I just sorta have a 'if it's not broke, don't fix it...'
ANDY: I know, I just think we should probably steer clear of the song being ... grating.
CONAN: Grating, really? Is this like an ambush? I mean we're friends enough. If you're doing a little mind game thing on me ... are you mad about something? If this is ... are you mad? We moved your chair a little away from the desk, it was for lighting. I mean I just feel, I guess I feel betrayed.
ANDY: Well, its just...
CONAN: I just feel betrayed.
ANDY: I mean he's Sting!
CONAN: Fine, Fine. Sting. Let's just make it about ... like people want to see Sting!
***
Cut to rehearsal...
CONAN
Cause unless we do our best, ahhh!
Then we haven't put ourselves to the test, ahhh!
Together we will work throughout the land, oh mama ahhh!
ALL
We gotta help people
Cause people need our help
And you got to do the very best you can
ANDY
'Cause unless we do our best
OLDY
...do our best
ANDY
Then we haven't put ourselves to the test
OLDY
...ourselves to the test
ANDY
Together we will work throughout the land
OLDY
...throughout the land
ALL
Yes together we will work throughout the land.
Freeze on Sting looking humiliated.
FYI: This sketch can be seen on the Late Night With Conan O'Brien 10th Anniversary Special DVD.
Posted at 8:22 AM
Tags: Brian Wilson | Franz Ferdinand | The Beach Boys | U2
The race car driver Michael Schumacher is donating 10 million. That's pretty awesome.
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AND OZZIE IS DONATING 100 THOUSAND. GOOD ON YA!
AND OH _ WHAT HAVE WE HERE? GEORGE DUBYA BUSH WITH HIS MILLIONS IN OIL MONEY IS DONATING A MEASLY LITTLE 10 THOUSAND...THAT'S PRETTY PATHETIC.
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Oh really, and how much have you donated?
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I am very NOT famous, BUT...
If you can make it to a tsunami benefit with bands and DJs this Sunday in Long Island City, Queens...
http://www.subtexture.com/SXSE/SXSE_flyer.jpg
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apparently sandra bullock donated a million dollars. never been crazy about her, but i thought that was pretty cool.
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My band upped the price of our San Diego acoustic show this Saturday and are making it a benefit, if you know anyone in the area you can go here for info: http://www.rookiecardthemovie.com There's a couple of local do-gooders who want to actually go to Asia and help firsthand so they're raising money (Over $3k so far)
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first off that was some of the most extreme shit ive ever seen--pertaining to the tsunami..no words can describe the massive damage..and thank goodness there are people out there who are nice enough, concerned enough, and the ability to donate what they have BUT whats this i hear about the U.N. keeping HALF of the money??!!
and who is monitoring where it all goes??!!
and guess some of america forgot about the people floating around on parts of roofs in the midwest..sri lanka isnt the only place where it's flooded.
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UM ARE YOU RETARDED? THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TSUNAMI AND A FLOOD. AND WE HAVE A LOT OF MONEY AND A LOT OF PEOPLE CLEANING UP AND DONATING TO THESE OTHER STATES. ONCE AGAIN, TSUNAMI..... flood. SRI LANKA IS ONLY A DENT OF WHAT IS GOING ON DOWN THERE. ITS LIKE A WHOLE COUNTRY THAT IS WASHED AWAY. AND DISEASE AND PESTILANCE IS HAPPENING IN SRI LANKA. THEIR WATER SUPPLY IS FUCKED ALSO. SOOO LETS RECAP....TSUNAMI.....flood. DIFFERNCE, BIG DIFFERNCE.
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