Gerard is Chris Ott!
And if that post title excited you, you're as pathetic as we are. We haven't talked about this until now 'cause we figured most of you wouldn't care, but the man who's taken the piss out of the blogosphere is the man who took the piss out of The Decemberists. Here the muckraker explains why he no longer has the time to set bloggers straight, from the confession he posted on Riff Market (via Idolator).
Duh: my main time drag has been a certain free weekly column wherein I blasted the Pipettes and nobody gave a shit, then said pretty much the same thing about Colin Meloy and it was like Flow My Tears the Policeman Said x 2000 in all-caps, from his ex-girlfriend the children’s book illustrator to Chris “Honeywell Round” Walla’s idiotic “U R JEALOUS CAT” letter, posted on his posey personal website (love that laid-back white-tee belly shot Chris – you should have been on Laguna Beach what a gyp did they call u??!!1).Head to Riff Market for the rest. And now Gerard has this message on his site:Colin Meloy has a Google Alert on his name: he emailed me before my editor even knew the piece was online. Then yeah Colin got sick and canceled part of the tour and bro that’s a real shame because really I’m all for you but uhh, two other people in your band emailed me and Didn’t Give a Shit about the piece. Kiss your whip’s ass for setting up this Colbert schtick, ‘cos you were this close to a faceplant on the half-pipe of OOPS up until about five seconds ago.
[FYI Crane Wife will crack 120,000 in January, which is in all likelihood more than I’ll ever sell of anything, but after some complicated math it still adds up to Not Enough Money for Anyone in the Band to Survive On for More Than Three Years. You think the specter of that lesson might be the reason people like Co-co and Ryan Adams have such thin skin? Cry your way through Conrad TOTD’s interview on Pitchfork: dude’s got my back on this one.]
WHAT UP THE FUCK?!If none of this makes sense, you probably have a life and friends. If you need us, we'll be at our computers still being excited and pathetic. What up the fuck?!SOMEWRITER WISH MORE SMART THAN IS!
CHRIS OTT BABY IS CRYING! GO CHANGE DIAPER, ASSCLOWN! GO TOUCH COLIN MELOY BALLS!
GERARD NOT DEAD, GERARD BUSY! FUUUCK YOU!
READERS, BLOGGERS, ASSHOLES! LISTEN TO GERARD!!!!
FUCK YOU! INTERNET NOT REAL LIFE! GERARD BUSY! WAIT.
GERARD COME BACK. WAIT. FUUUCK.
(SYLVESTER MAKES UP BLOG FOR OTHER WRITER?! NO! NO HACKVESTER!?)
UPDATE: What up the fuck, indeed! Gerard's posting away, so the above message we quoted was a legitimate Ott-denial. Or so we think. Oh, dorky bloggers we be.
Posted at 5:01 PM
Tags: The Real Housewives Of New York City
Well how about that. And Idolator had it right all along! And yeah, I'm as pathetic.
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Internet not real life?
What up the fuck, indeed.
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comedy gold!
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I am one of the worst pieces of "legitimate" music criticism in recent memory. Don't believe me? Go read me to find out.
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thank you!
this post must have like a zillion years
but I just read that review and had to share how disgusted I was.
Chris Ott is one true imbecile.
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I haven't looked into it much, but why is everyone so quick to assume that this is real? Isn't this exactly what Nick Sylvester, um, does?
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better than the oc (this season).
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I'm completely pathetic, because that was the most exciting news I've heard all day. Shit.
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wow, the whole time i was reading this post i thought i was in some sort of weird time warp, where everything made sense except for everything that dude wrote. i bet that dude chews popcorn like michael jackson in the extended "thriller," video. fo sho!
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This is definitely bullshit. Ott's fucking with everyone. Don't believe it.
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i didnt understand a word of that.
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i didnt understand a word of that.
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if it is Chris Ott, that makes it hugely ironic... which might make it funnier
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ok. so as an outsider this was awesome. so awesome it hurt. it is like the colbert report but nasty. i love it. and i don't beleive for a second that that guy is the guy. i think he is fronting. i like rading gerard out loud. is that bad?
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LOLZ!!!!!
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this is great. i love both persona's curmudgeonly ways. i thought Ott was right about the pipettes, and if he's just some middle class wanker who blogs all day, so what? It's more interesting than pretending to be cool.
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Chris Ott is the poor man's steve albini. If the poor man was retarded too.
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Chris from GVB told me he knew who it was - has he verified?
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