Hey Iowa, Show Us Your Caucus
We haven't done a metric analysis to determine the size of our Iowan readership, but as a special PSA in the interest of a robust democracy: Get out there and vote! You have like ten minutes left. Maybe you Hawkeyes were reminded by Barack Obama's new year's day rally which doubled as Bright Eyes mini-concert (via pitchfork.com, who also remind us that Jeff Tweedy and Cool Kids rock for Barack as well). Or perhaps your urge toward the franchise was tickled by watching Huckabee scab it up on Leno. But make no mistake, the decisions you make today will deeply affect the primary season ahead, particularly for candidates like Romney, Edwards, and those aforementioned. With such a grave decision before you, and one with such lasting consequences, we thought you may need some guidance. And so we present you with the the gift of shift-key averse punditry ala Moby. Behold, the excerpts...
hillary clinton ... she's smart and capable and rational and experienced. but for some reason people just don't seem to like her very much.Read the full candidate capsules here. Now you are informed! Hit that booth.john edwards ... he just kind of creeps me out a bit. maybe it's cos he always looks an airbrushed 1980's
catalog model. but that shouldn't disqualify someone from being chief executive even if it does creep me out.barack obama ... first off, he has the single worst name anyone could ever have in the history
of politics ever ever ever ... personally i see his terrible name as being kind of a plus, as it really couldn't
be worse unless his name was satan hitler babyeater ... he's the least experienced of the candidates but he's also really smart and principled and telegenic.fred thompson: ha ha haha.
adolph giuliani: again: ha ha ha ha.
mitt romney. sorry. oops, trying to...stay...awake. one more time? who? oh, mitt...romney.
mike huckabee. oh, fuck, he's the terrifying one. mr charming, 'i play bass', 'gosh i'm folksy and charming', 'shucks i'm just a former fat guy who likes puppies', etc. oh, let's add some others: 'shucks, i only pardon serial rapists when they're baptists like me' ... he makes gw and dick cheney look liberal. but i kind of hope that he gets the nomination because he'll be so easy to beat. america, as insane as it is, just isn't ready for a president who is even more incompetent than gw and who helped pardon a rapist who went on to kill people after being released from prison. at least i hope that america isn't ready for such a president.
john mccain. you know, every time i see john mccain on the daily show i like him. he's smart and funny and experienced. i probably woudn't vote for him(as he's an anti-choice republican, etc), but he seems like the best of the gop candidates in terms of experience and perspective and intellect. if i were a republican in iowa or new hampshire he'd get my vote.
Posted at 6:46 PM
Tags: Barack Obama | Bright Eyes | Hillary Clinton | John Edwards | John McCain | Mike Huckabee | Mitt Romney | Moby | Rudolph Giuliani
-->
-->
Aren't Ohioans buckeyes? Or am I missing something else entirely?
Score = 0
indeed, west. good 'eyes.' swapped for proper nickname, thanks.
Score = 0
fuck moby. if i wanted to hear shit then i'd fart.
Score = 0
Why the fuck does being first lady make you experienced? She has one more term than Obama. Stupid under-educated people.
Score = 0
damn moby, barack has rocked the cockus.
but hey! you're smart and rational and... experienced... why don't people like you?
Score = 0
Hillary Clinton is only smart in relation to Moby.
Score = 0
You have at least one reader in Iowa. Barack wins. Yay.
Score = 0
from now on, it will be known as the iowa barackus. for real though on huckabee- he represents a less-scary part of the GOP than Giuliani, but did anyone else make a face when he talked about how his victory would change things forever and think, "he's talking to you, crazy jesus people"?
Score = 0
America has spoken, we'd rather have a black man than a women! The black man has the biggest caucas!
Jokes aside. I'm glad Barack Obama won. He's the only man that can bring real change.
Score = 0
How insane was it that Chuck Norris hovered over Huckabee during his speech?
Score = 0
How insane was it that Huckabee had Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris' wife behind him instead of his OWN wife?
Score = 0
As an Iowan, I feel that Stereogum has finally jumped the blog shark with an entry title that I've heard what - a thousand times before? And also for letting someone's comment on Ohio be first. THAT'S what's wrong with this country, such as, U.S. Americans who can't read a map for shit. Congrats.
Now back to the blogs about bands that everyone feels truly keep Stereogum from remaining indie and get everyone's panties in a bunch. Maroon 5's got a new video out, right?
Score = 0
I should have said only person that bring change.
I think Hillary is good in theory. We need a Democrat, any Democrat, because they elect the Supreme Court Justices, and they are responsible for our foreign policy. But I think when people hear Barack Obama speak they are sold. He's intellegent, and the things he's saying make sense. It's not more same speak we've been getting from Hillary. You can tell from the last election America wants CHANGE, Hillary doesn't represent that, Obama does.
Score = 0
Yay Barack!
Although I have a sinking feeling that Hillary will take NH...
Score = 0
Moby's scared of Mike Huckabee because he plays bass? I don't understand. Also, Huckabee's stance on almost every issue is almost as liberal as most Democrats, which is one reason the Republican core hates him so much. Dammit, we need to be listening to Dick Morris, not Moby.
Score = 0
john mayer is into ron paul.
check it out on youtube.
Score = 0
Damn, I actually agree with Moby on most of that haha.
It's true- Hillary would be a good president, everyone knows she wouldn't fuck things up like Bush, but for some reason people hate her with a passion. They think she is too calculated and cold. To be honest, I think that's the only way a woman can get to where she's at, but whatever. Plus people don't just want a GOOD president, they want someone that they can genuinely like who is fresh and charismatic and all of that. In other words, Obama.
And Huckabee scares the crap out of me too. Oh boy I do NOT want to even think of the possibility him becoming president. I just wouldn't be able to handle it.
Score = 0
Time to vote Green this time around!
Score = 0
Seriously, who cares what Moby thinks. I don't care what side you are on, anyone arrogant and brash enough to not even cover several of the candidates isn't worth me listening to. I don't care if he is harsh on them, but give reason and not plain resentment. Otherwise it looks like brainless party politics all over again.
Score = 0
"Hillary would be a good president, everyone knows she wouldn't fuck things up like Bush"
She'd just fuck up different stuff. Having her and Bill in the White House again would be like having Brit and K-Fed there -- non-stop laughs, until you think of the kids.
Score = 0
>>until you think of the kids.<<
you mean Chelsea ? one of the most intelligent, well behaved & liked of all presidential children...
Score = 0
>>until you think of the kids.<<
you mean Chelsea ? one of the most intelligent, well adjusted & liked of all presidential children ever..
Score = 0
"until you think of the kids" -- the millions of children she wants to shackle with universal health care/ pre-k. the problems she's addressing need to be tackled, but these solutions are like putting a trillion dollar, tax-payer funded band-aid on a three hundred year old gash.
Score = 0
did you seriously just post this? Some of the most uninformed onions I've ever seen on the internet
Score = 0
Don't you know the 'Gum is all about the lowest common denominator now? reposting brainless shit from dumb music celebs who have a blog. Lilly Allen, Moby, etc. who. cares.
Score = 0
Well it looks like obama has locked up the bald douche vote.
Score = 0
@Christopher
Take a piece of advice from Demetri Martin and move to a squiggly state you illiterate tool.
Score = 0
@ me:
huh?
Score = 0
wtf does barack stand for? He's a good speech reader but when he has to think on his feet he just rambles about "change." its the same bullshit rhetoric as the republicans use, and young people are eating it up. Not me. Edwards actually wants universal healthcare etc, hes running on a platform, not a word.
Score = 0
yes ma...did you ever go to the deli and order some sliced deli meats? Frequently, the deli meat is in a roll that is then sliced for your order. The deli meat is in a "casing". The casing is sometimes some edible rubbery stuff. Anywayz, one day after eating some fresh deli meats, I had an upset stomach. I went to take a crap and noticed something ticklish in my butthole. I pulled on it with my two fingers. Basically, it was like pulling a ribbon out of my ass. The deli casing was undigested by my gut. It was like a paper string covered with feces. Hope you like this posting!Note - The cheapest option is shaving your head with an actual net saving due to no expense for shampoos, conditioners, combs, brushes, or hair stylist. Of course, with this option you get no hair. Note: My Feet smell like rotting garbage in the summertime. Also, after intercourse, we throw each other's underwear at each other in reward for a job well done. In college, there was a girl known as the "Shitter". During anal intercourse, she shat all over the sheets. It was a mix of b.m. and blood. Apparently, during anal penetration she bled. That's how AIDS gets transmitted, so I'm told. A variety of shit comes out of different assholes. I get boners for men. Waxmen. Waxwings. Earwig. Only For The Weak.
Score = 0