Craftwerk: The 10 Weirdest Bruce Springsteen Crafts On The Web
When it began, early Bruce was an exotic figure — young and feral, with a wild mop of hair, a scraggly sailor’s beard and a fearsome, frenetic intensity. This was Gypsy Bruce, Boardwalk Bruce, car and girl obsessed, and Asbury Park to the core. He looked like something the cat might have dragged in, but instead decided that it should probably find a less unsavory trophy. With all the fashion making that was happening throughout the mid to late 1970s, the thirty-minute distance between the Newark PATH and CBGB may as well have been a million miles. Even as he was providing the actual songwriting ballast for hipster darling Patti Smith’s first hit “Because The Night,” he lacked the cachet of a true hero of the underground elite. Much like John Fogerty, another brilliant, populist hero that the crucial tastemakers of the of the day were astoundingly slow to embrace, Springsteen lacked the art school edge to scan as a part of the allegedly revolutionary Blank Generation crowd. Still, no doubt, he looked cool — like Desire-era Dylan by way of a Nathan’s stand. He had talent and energy to burn — James Brown energy. Lou Reed understood though, and brought the Boss in to do an unforgettable voice over on the classic degenerate opera “Street Hassle.”
Nothing in those early days suggested the possibility that he would quickly reimagine his image as a kind of Elvis-style matinee idol. This transformation began with the iconic album cover for Born To Run, wherein the music’s obsession with everything Phil Spector is visually rendered by Springsteen in full Rebel Without A Cause regalia, reclining with delighted insouciance, telecaster in hand, against bandmate Clarence Clemons. No less a New Jersey aficionado than Charles Bissell of the Wrens once recalled having this poster on his bedroom wall as a child and so imagining it as the embodied articulation of cool that he struggled for years to play a telecaster even though nearly every other brand of guitar suited him better. But the full flowering of Bruce as Greaser God came on the next album cover, for the masterpiece Darkness On The Edge Of Town, where his clean-shaven, leather-jacketed handsomeness threatens to promise more then any album could actually deliver. Fortunately, he had the goods to prove it all night.
The weirdness of Springsteen’s evolution into the ultimate, pumped up, Good Time Charlie avatar of Ronald Reagan’s “Morning In America” circa the 1984 release of Born In The USA was lost on practically no one, particularly the man himself. After the brilliant, novelistic digressions of The River and the utterly harrowing, bare bones acoustic menace of Nebraska, it was time for Springsteen to reassert his commercial might. Arguably, he did this too well, with Born In The USA becoming the kind of ubiquitous monster that brought millions of new fans into the narrative midway, with all of the attendant misunderstanding of what was mainly a withering arena-scaled critique of the country’s backslide into economic and social inequity. (One of those new fans was apparently Reagan himself, who decided to employ the title track at campaign rallies for his re-election before being pointedly asked to refrain by the decidedly progressive-minded Springsteen).
It may have all been fundamentally accidental — even regretted — but with its denim-clad, stars-and-stripes album cover, its upbeat-sounding songs of disappointment and despair, and its memorable videos featuring a grown-up version of Springsteen a million miles from his gutter rat beginnings, Born In The USA launched new universes of fashion trends and forays into the music of the “heartland.” It is almost impossible to imagine either the success of Tommy Hilfiger or New Country music occurring without this template. Almost definitely this was not the plan. But sometimes things get weird, and this did nothing to diminish the power of his efforts.
In the ensuing years, Springsteen has sensibly shied away from anything approaching an “image makeover,” instead becoming a remarkably astute exemplar of aging gracefully in this most graceless of vocations. Springsteen is fit and hale, but still willing to chug a random fan’s beer during an adventurous walkabout through his rapt stadium audience. He is professional without being overly careful with his politics and prose — “Wrecking Ball,” his 2009 tribute to the soon to be torn down Old Meadowlands, made the forsaken stadium a metaphor for all of America’s neglected institutions, and channeled lyrics one could easily imagine Bon Scott having written: “If you got the guts, Mister/ If you’ve got the balls/ If you think it’s your time/ Then step to the line/ And bring on your wrecking ball.”
Having fully realized the promise of his ability, and embraced the responsibility of his pulpit, Springsteen has passed into pantheonic legend along with the artists who first informed his work: Otis Redding, Smokey Robinson, and the other great soul icons, Woody Guthrie and Van Morrison, the Sun Records artists that inspired him to become a virtual fifth member of the Million Dollar Quartet. As you might expect to hear from a column like this, he has inspired many, many crafts. Lets have a look, shall we?
Start Crafting here.
You kind of have to hand it to "TheHappyAcorn" shopkeeper when she begins her description of this miniature Bruce by saying, "Always in the mood for a little Springsteen." It works on so many levels! The payoff is only slightly diminished when you actually get a look at the figurine in question, which looks a bit more like Eric Cartman with a pompadour, but whatever -- the sheer molten energy of the Boss is at least captured in spirit and any fan would probably love to have this little guy in their collection, or, as the seller suggests, in a terrarium.
Just when you thought fan art couldn't be educational, DeviantArt user "easybake" steps in to get remedial on your ass. We think he's either trying to illustrate the science behind logical equivalence or maybe the literary concept of metonomy -- we're not really sure (as you probably guessed, neither of us went to Harvard). The artist doesn't really give too many clues in the description provided, "Bruce = America, America = Bruce. Basically". But what he's saying makes a kind of sense -- the drawing shows a pretty decent sketch of Springsteen, a big equals sign, and then a serviceable outline of the U.S. While the Boss might not prefer to be exclusively painted with this particular brush, it's tough to argue that he and America aren't in many ways inextricably linked. Heavy is the head that wears the headband.
If you spend a little time poking around "TheStrikingViking's" etsy shop, you'll quickly learn that he has a vast collection of drawings that he decided to do with his left hand (despite his being right handed), including this one here, of what is allegedly Bruce Springsteen. Look, we're all for testing the limitations of your own fine motor skills, but c'mon, this only nominally looks like Bruce Springsteen. This could just as easily be Billy Connolly, NHL analyst Barry Melrose, or that one particularly creepy teacher from high school. It's not even clear that he's strumming a guitar with … good god, is that a flipper? A hoof? Well, whatever is in the place of the Boss's right hand. Having said all this, so what if it doesn't really look anything like Bruce Springsteen? It at least looks like SOMEONE, and that's enough for us to click "purchase."
Bruce Springsteen and the late Tupac Shakur are both musical legends, and so they may well have found occasion to work together under less tragic circumstances, but history took its course and that collaboration never happened. Instead, we are left with this puzzle. And it is a puzzle. What does the late Tupac mean by "Irene Springsteen"? Is Irene Springsteen like rock and roll's equivalent to "Gallagher Too" or Sarah Chalke on Roseanne? Man, can you imagine buying tickets to see Springsteen and getting Irene instead of Bruce? That would probably be disappointing (though who knows; perhaps Irene was a fabulous dancer). Moving on, though, to what is arguably more important here: Why does Tupac have no arms? Fortunately, we do have arms with which to embrace this mystery and what is unquestionably a great-looking shirt. Irene Springsteen, whoever you are, we salute you for inspiring this brain tickler for the ages.
"Always wanted to sleep with the Boss?," the solicitation reads, functionally unspooling every last thread of Title 7. But in this case, who could argue? What enterprising American would not enjoy a congress with a pillow dedicated to Springsteen's handsomeness and principles? Did you see that he's apparently donning the brightest-, pinkest-ever lipstick? And is wearing necklaces made of many -- what could best be described as -- "stones"? And his neck is a little scratched up -- it's all a little Midnight Cowboy, but still pretty inviting. Look -- lets not horse around: This is the closest any of us are to getting to an intimate night with the man in question.
Jeepers. What happened here? There is a kind of terrifying beauty in this emaciated, decapitated head of Bruce Springsteen, but it also cannot but yield a thoroughgoing case of the willies. Like a Pharaoh's sarcophagus, death surrounds this ornament, down to the red bandanna and carefully sculpted soul patch, which could certainly not be grown by a man this sickly. This is the closest possible representation of Springsteen in the final stages of terminal malaria, a condition that might best explain several songs on Lucky Town. Regardless, it can be yours for the relatively immodest sum of $500, if you are the kind of person that can cope with death's grim specter behaving as a dinner party conversation piece. (We're all-in.)
2. Bruce Springsteen Valentine
Once again, Springsteen looks nearly dead. His limbs are devoid of muscles, his face the consequence of a four-month hunger strike. There are a handful of Mayo Clinic cadavers being researched upon at this very moment that look healthier than this. Why are we so anxious to kill this man?? At least he is playing a Telecaster. Anyway, ill-tidings aside, this might make a very fine Valentine's Day option, the passionate conviction of his playing shining through from the sad reality that he weighs 12 pounds and the hearts surrounding him are at least two to twenty times healthier than the man himself. Everybody's got a hungry heart. But no one should be this hungry.
1. You Can't Say No To The Boss
Wow. So what we have here, apparently, is the Boss lost in passionate embrace with fellow New Jersy-ite Bon Jovi, while a group of affiliated constituents on hand attempt to make sense of what they are seeing. The response to the Boss-Bon Jovi makeout is mixed. Off to the side, "Stephen" is PISSED! "WTF," he says, with the full-fledged indignation of a cuckolded Othello. But in the meantime, the youthful guy/girl combo in the back seem utterly tickled, as if experiencing love's full blossom in action can only inspire their journey to new romantic heights. The overall effect is confusing, if not out-and-out dissociative. Still, credit to the artist who has taken the initiative to go down that same self rabbit hole that so many of us have spent precious time pondering: What if Bruce and JBV got together?? Talk about the rising ...
