[Originally posted on June 3rd, 2008.]

The Challenge: Despite being averse to cameras, teamwork, exotic foods, travel, haircuts, and physical exertion, I have to submit an audition tape to Survivor.

The Result: As with the Saw marathon challenge, once again I find myself rocking back and forth in a corner while simultaneously Googling “Microsoft Word Letter of Resignation Template.”

The people we see on reality shows all have a few things in common. They’re confident in their awesomeness, they enjoy both seeing and hearing themselves on television, and they all, at one point, desperately wanted to be on a reality show to the point where they were willing to undergo an audition process. I do not have any of these qualities. So it was only natural that in the ongoing battle that is Videogum co-editor Gabe and my Double Dog war, Gabe would insist that I make a reality show audition tape. And of all the reality shows in all the world, the one I would be the worst choice for is Survivor. I’ve never left the country (I know), and I don’t even like to try new foods in fancy restaurants, much less eat bugs on a beach. And while everyone thinks of him or herself as a competitive person to some degree, my take-no-prisoners moments are limited to random TV trivia and cutthroat games of Cranium.

So, I hereby I submit my plea for inclusion on Survivor’s Season 18:

If the definition of Double Dog success is complete embarrassment, I win forever and ever.

[Originally posted on June 3rd, 2008.]