In the grand tradition of Friends S03E02 “The One Where No One’s Ready,” this week’s episode of Sleepy Hollow was what we in the spooky recap business call “a kinda bottle ep.” I say “a kinda” because there was a B-storyline where Rue from The Hunger Games is Captain Orlando Jones’s estranged paraplegic daughter. Other than that though, the majority of SHS01E09’s action concerned Abbie and Ichabod kicking, shooting, and axe-chopping demonic trees in a haunted house. This is about as close to the Aristotelian Unities as Sleepy Hollow will ever get, and I believe I speak for the entire cross-section of Sleepy Hollow/Aristotelian Unities fans when I say, “More, please. More episodes like the bottle episode of Friends, please.”

So, a pretty lady in an flaccid Urban beanie and her chauffeur pull up to the Haunted House in her Maybach. As if my capitalization didn’t make it clear that this Haunted House was Very Haunted, there are crows outside. Ergo, Very Haunted House. Undeterred, she enters the Haunted House and, as her gender requires, immediately checks to see if the closets can accommodate her shoe collection. Sadly, the closets cannot. The closets are infested with angry, haunted tree branches. Said angry, haunted tree branches cut Flaccid Urban Beanie’s hands and suck her prettily into the spatially unaccommodating closet.

Cut to, you guessed it: Ichabod lecturing Abbie about fast food culture, Pilgrim dietary practices, and how much he misses his gorgeous witch wife, Katrina. Not that things are all that horrible, since he still has Abbie, whose “company holds the greatest value to [him].” Aw! They get the call about the missing “philanthropist/author/socialite (cool job),” and use Abbie’s “wondrous internet” to deduce that missing “p/a/s” Lena Gilbert is Flaccid Urban Beanie who is also, you guessed it, a descendant of one of Ichabod’s bros, Lachlan Fredericks, from colonial times. Cue flashback.