A million barfs isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A billion barfs. (That would work better if either Justin Timberlake said “bucks” instead of dollars, or if Ryan Reynolds had been in The Social Network, but it does still work almost perfectly, so relax.) RYAN REYNOLDS GOT BARFED ON, Y’ALL! From Radar:

Reynolds was seated in seat 2D at the window, and according to the eyewitness, “About two-thirds of the way into the flight, a young lady in front of him in 1D vomited toward her window, which then spewed back all over Ryan’s beige cashmere sweater. She had clearly had too much to drink, causing her to be sick.”

“The vomit looked like it was largely made up of red wine, and it made a huge stain on Ryan’s sweater,” says the source. “So he took it off!” “The flight attendants were doing the best they could with giving him napkins,” the source says. But according to another eyewitness, they were seen giggling amongst themselves after the incident had taken place.

Reynolds managed to find a cleaner top, and upon landing, he and Lively were the first to be whisked off the plane by a member of airport security in New Orleans.

Put “the vomit looked like it was largely made up of red wine” on my tombstone, guys, because this perfect piece of celeb gossip just 100% MURDERED ME! But, so, wait. Ryan Reynolds wasn’t wearing anything underneath his sweater? Do men often not wear shirts under their sweaters? Sweaters aren’t shirts, guys! They’re sweaters! Also: napkins? Don’t they have hot towels in the wealthy section of airplanes?! When Ryan Reynolds OR ANY HUMAN gets red wine barfed on, you do NOT hand him OR ANY HUMAN napkins to clean it up! R.I.P. Ryan Reynolds. May the member of airport security in New Orleans deliver you softly, on his or her wings, to your private jet in Heaven.