We pick up (almost) where we left off last week: at Walt’s house, with Jesse’s car parked haphazardly in the driveway. Walt has arrived, gun in hand, to maybe-shoot our poor baby Jesse. He creeps around the house and the music grows more and more tense, but Jesse’s beautiful face refuses to show itself. Where is he?! Protected in the arms of a blogger somewhere far away, where he is taught the art of recapping and given the chance to earn an “honest” wage? Who knows! Walt finishes his search (almost) empty-handed, with only a DVD or CD from Jesse’s dashboard to show for his effort. “A DVD?” he thinks. “Ahh, that’s my boy!”

Later, while looking only like a legit weird, scary meth dealer, Walt tells Huell to find Jesse, leaves a message for Jesse that we will talk about later (“I know you’re angry, but I want to fix this. We’ll talk, and we’ll fix this.”), and gets his gets his carpets scrubbed and his locks changed to the same lock. He can’t get his carpets all-the-way clean, though, gasoline soaked through the subfloor. Uh-oh! Will he murder the carpet cleaners for not giving him his way?! Find out next week on Breaking Bad! Goodbye! (JK THERE’S STILL MORE, LET’S GET TO IT!)

There were more “comedic” moments in this episode than we’ve seen recently, I feel like. Like Walt running around trying to ditch his gasoline canister, and then more examples that we’ll get to. Right? Right or no? In either case, he tried to ditch the thing, spilled some in his car, and then tells Skyler and Walt Jr. a big “pump malfunction” story. “So, I was at the gas station, and I was pumping some gas, and then it was like ‘whaaaat’ and I was like ‘ohhh shiiiiiiiit,’ you know? And gas, like got EVERYWHERE — like, seriously, all over the place. And I’m just like, ‘what?!’ And the gas station people are like, ‘what did you dooooo?’ And I’m like, ‘NOTHING!’ You know? So it’s like, everywhere basically.” I think that’s what he said. It wasn’t his best lie — in fact, it was so bad that it led Walt Jr. to say what everyone was thinking: “Dad, please — can you just tell the truth?”

Of course, as he hasn’t been watching the show for five seasons, he isn’t coming from the same place we are. “You fainted, didn’t you? Because you’re sick again?” he asks. Ah, right. (It reminded me of the moment in the last season of Mad Men when Pete’s mom said that thing to Peggy about how she and Pete have a child together.) (Remember???) At that moment Walt turns into the fine actor we know him to be and expertly plays Cancer Dad Who Did Faint At The Pump But Wants Son To Believe Pump Malfunction Story In Order To Not Scare Him About The Cancer, and they all decide to stay in a hotel for the night — “a good one.” Problem solved! OR IS IT?!

In a car outside of the hotel, Walt meets up with Saul and Bill Burr. They’ve searched Jesse’s known hangouts and haven’t been able to find him (IS IT BECAUSE HE’S WITH THAT BLOGGER FROM BEFORE?!), and Saul would like some instructions about what to do if he does turn up, but doesn’t want to “have a nuanced discussion of the virtues of child poisoning.” “Maybe this is an Old Yeller type of situation,” he says. UH, HOW DARE YOU! Walt, like he did when Saul proposed sending Hank to Belize, shut him down immediately — “Do not float that idea again. Find him.” Ugh. Why does Saul keep assuming that Walt would want to kill the people who are in his way? Sooo annoying.

Speaking of people who assume that Walt is the monster he’s shown himself to be numerous times in the past, Skyler also wants Walt to kill Jesse. She spied in him while was in his car meeting with Saul and Bill Burr (“I feel just awful about it, too.”) and demands to know what is going on. Walt confesses that he did something to make Jesse angry, and that he had a moment of wanting to retaliate before stopping himself. “Are you telling me that he tried to…burn our house down?” she asks. “Uhhhhhhh…but…ah…no, it was a pump malfunction! I have cancer! HE’S MY SON!” Walt cries, before downing each of the tiny little bottles of alcohol from the mini-fridge. JK. He explains that Jesse has emotional issues but has never hurt anyone (“that I haven’t ordered him to murder– I MEAN”), and that he plans to talk to him and make him see reason. Skyler responds, “Talk to him. Make him see reason. So I’m clear, these are just euphemisms you’re using here, right?” EEEEK! SKYLER, NOOOOO!

“Jesse isn’t just some rabid dog. This is a person,” Walt says. “A person who is a threat to us. We’ve come this far. What’s one more?” Skyler says. “Did we come here just so you could show us the dialogue of the show we just watched?” you ask. “Uh, how am I supposed to make stupid jokes that compete with SKYLER ORDERING WALT TO MURDER JESSE IN ORDER TO PROTECT THEIR FAMILY?!” I plead.

That night, Walt sits at the hotel pool and is later joined by Walt Jr., who also couldn’t sleep. The hotel pool — like Walt and Skyler’s hotel room — looks fucking awesome and I am so jealous that they get to be there at that hotel and I do not. THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE THEIR SUITS! “Should’ve brought our suits, yeah?” Walt says, and they hug, after Walt tells Jr. that he’s going over some business-related options, and then Jr. says “Are you still thinking about buying another car wash?” and then later Walt says, “You think I came all this way just to let something as sill as lung cancer take me down? Not a chance. I’m not going anywhere,” bringing the Jesse-Murder-Euphemism count, if my math is correct, up to 1,000!

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Then we’re back in the past with Jesse spilling gasoline. We’re finally about to see what stopped him! Did he see a picture of the baby? Did he have to go to the bathroom and it was an emergency? Did he realize that he just wanted to go to Alaska after all, and none of this was worth it, plus there was this blogger he wanted to get in touch with? Did he catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror and decide that he’d rather move to Hollywood and become a famous actor? NO! IT WAS HANK!

HAAAAAAAANK! Jesse tells Hank that Walt poisoned a kid and Hank says, “Yeah, Walt’s a bastard. Secret’s out.” Hahah, uhhhh, was Hank never trained in getting emotional witnesses to cooperate? WHY NOT? Even so, Hank gets the distraught Jesse to agree to burn Walt down with him, rather than on his own. In the car, Hank puts the once again catatonic Jesse’s seatbelt on. Aww. Jesse has a new manipulative daddy who is only looking out for his own interests! Hank tells him that they’re going downtown to the DEA, and that if he’s a good witness the future will be better for him. Jesse doesn’t quite believe that.

Then Marie is in therapy. She gives a few very specific details about what is going on, and then acts annoyed whenever the therapist tries to nail down the specifics on the details. Classic Marie. She also talks about how she’s been researching untraceable poisons. Sheesh! MARIE! BE QUIET! Blah blah blah, poison poison, “How’s work? Last week you were upset about the new parking rules,” “It just feels good to think about it.” (It was a good scene, but I’m rushing because THIS EPISODE WAS CRAMMED W/STUFF.) After her session ends, she arrives home to find that her purple bags have been packed.

Hank tells her that he thought she might want to get away for a bit, to which she responds, “You thought I might want to pack up and move out of my own house? Why?” Hahah. Fair enough! Hank certainly isn’t the best with manipulating people to get what he wants from them! After a bit of hemming and hawing, Hank finally comes out with it — They have a guest. A sweet, adorable guest, whom she is going to love!! (My words.) Jesse is snoozing in the next room, and Hank explains that his last 10 witnesses died in jail, so he’s going to keep this one here for now, and can he stay, pleeease, plleeeeeaaaaseeeee look how cute he is pleeeeaassee! Marie says yes, he can stay as long as Hank walks him every day and it is bad for Walt. Yay! Just then, Jesse’s phone begins to ring. It’s Walt, leaving the message he left in the beginning of the episode! OOOOH SHIIIIIIIIT!

Jesse wakes up to a picture of Walt dressed as Santa and Skyler sitting on his lap and Marie asks if he’d like some coffee. For a moment you think Hank and Marie might genuinely act sweetly towards him, but the moment does not last very long. Hank and Gomez set up their video confessional area, where Jesse eventually sits to tell his story. Gomez confirms with Hank that he believes Jesse’s story, but agrees with Jesse that they don’t have any evidence. “Where do we start?” he asks. “I say we start with this,” says Hank, and then he whips out his peen! JK. JUST LIGHTENING THE MOOD, LOL. He shows Gomez the voicemail Walt left on Jesse’s phone. D’oh! Never leave a revealing voicemail when you know your former partner has been in contact with the the DEA agent who is trying to nail you for your various and horrible crimes, doofus!

Walt wants to meet Jesse in the plaza, where they can rap about their differences. Hank and Gomez think Jesse should go for it, but wear a wire so they can get his confession on tape. “So your plan is to do his plan?” Jesse asks. Hahah. This was another kind of funny scene! Considering! Jesse explains his concerns — that if he meets with Walt, Walt will kill him — and Hank tells him that Walt obviously cares about him and he has nothing to be afraid of. “Yeah, no, Mr. White’s gay for me, everybody knows that.” Hahah. JESSE! I LOVE YOU! Although his protestations are valid, Hank tells him that this isn’t a discussion — this is what is going to happen. When Jesse leaves to go #1, Hank lets Gomez know that he doesn’t care if Jesse does get murdered — if he does, they’ll have it on tape, and he’ll have his evidence either way. RUDE! RUDE RUDE RUDE RUDE RUDE RUDE RUDE!

So they do Walt’s plan. Jesse gets suited up and spots Walt on a bench, but also spots a big dude standing directly opposite of him. He turns around and leaves, calling Walt’s cellphone from a nearby pay phone. Oh, boy. He tells him he’s not falling for it, he threatens him, and he hangs up. Oooooh boy. Then we see that the big guy is just some little girl’s daddy. OOOOHHHH BOOOOOOOOOOOY. Hank is mad at Jesse for not doing his shitty plan, but Jesse assures him that he has a better idea. Meanwhile, Walt calls Todd — “I think I might have another job for your uncle.”

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NOOOOOOO!!! EVERYTHING ISN’T GOING WELL!!!! WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT WEEK?! WHY IS HANK SO BAD AT HIS JOB SOMETIMES, AND SO GOOD AT HIS JOB OTHER TIMES?! WILL JESSE BE OKAY?! WAS THE BLOOD ON THAT NAZI’S SHOE IN THAT OTHER EPISODE ACTUALLY A FLASH-FORWARD?!?!?!!!?!? WAS IT JESSE’S BLOOD!!!!????????? JESSEE!! JESSSSSEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!