I have never been to a Bar Mitzvah. The closest I’ve gotten was a friend’s relative’s expensive Long Island Sweet 16 that I invited myself to a few years ago (Long Island Sweet 16s are like normal Sweet 16s, except they’re the kind I’ve been to). That one did not have an opening number, LET ALONE did it have a super elaborate Burlesque-style opening number in which a child in an all-white outfit dances with a bunch of ladies in front of a huge light-up display showing his name, so I am a little out of my league here in terms of religious events for children that I understand, so let me ask you: What was the opening number at your Bar Mitzvah like? Did you, ahhh, something like, have all of your favorite wrestlers come and do “moves” with you on stage, while a bunch of other wrestlers that you didn’t like as much piled on top of each other behind you in a way that formed your name? Or maybe did you have the cast of Gilmore Girls come out, and maybe they did a scene with you on stage? And you got to play Rory? Did Nirvana come, but you had Paul McCartney play Kurt Cobain, but also you made him wear a wig?! Or was it kind of like Sam’s in that you just killed it in an elaborate dance routine with a bunch of grown women? Hmm? TELL ME! What was the opening number at your Bar Matzvah like?!

If Sam’s was this good, I know your’s must have been even better! Don’t be shy! (Via Gawker.)