Before last night, I had never seen an episode of either The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. What I have seen many seasons of, though, is Burning Love, which is perfect, and it was that web series that piqued my interest in the reality TV on which it is based. But, uh, The Bachelorette is apparently a super sad nightmare! AHHHHHH! Do you guys watch this show?! WHY?! I tuned in because it was the penultimate episode of whatever season the series is currently on (256th?), which meant the lady would be going on her final fancy mega-dates. I caught a bit of one of the mega-dates which ended with the couple choosing to spend the night together in the couples suite, WHICH MEANT THEY WERE GOING TO DO IT, (though they did say it was because they wanted to look at the stars together, which was very classy, and then the man read a “poem”), and that was fine enough. They talked about how the guy had a good job prospect in Seattle (LOL) (none of the men on this show have jobs, right?) and how the lady was fine enough with moving to Seattle, whatever. But then we spent LEGITIMATELY 20 MINUTES (I think legitimately) (it felt like 1000 minutes, so I could be off) with the second man, Brooks, talking to the Michael Ian Black-from-Burning-Love host character, about how he did not want to marry the lady. “So, I’m just trying to be clear…You’re saying you don’t love [the lady]?” repeated the host about 100 times. And when he was clear, he then went on the fancy date with the lady and the last 40 minutes of the episode were devoted to A DEVASTATING NIGHTMARE BREAK UP! “I don’t know what to say to make it better,” Brooks said to the camera, over and over again, eyes red from crying, face wet with tears. The lady, through sobs, told him that she planned to choose him the entire time, and that she loved him and wanted to meet his family, and that she didn’t know what to do now. AND THIS WENT ON FOR ALMOST AN HOUR! Crying! Crying and what seemed like a real break up! IS THIS WHAT THIS SHOW IS?! Guys! Why do you watch this show?! IT MADE MY HEART HURT! PLEASE PROCEED TO THE POLL, I NEED TO KNOW YOUR ANSWER:

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Thank you for voting, please shield yourself from unnecessary pain!