“[Your name here] left her house around 1PM dressed in unflattering baggy jeans and a very large winter jacket, sans makeup. (Click here for a closeup of her skin.) After dropping laundry off at laundromat, she went to the drug store and picked up what looks like tampons or, perhaps, a pregnancy test? Later that night, she met someone (boyfriend? friend? girlfriend?) for drinks at the Applebees bar before (drunkenly?) tripping over a curb and getting into a cab with the alluring stranger. Will she ever seek treatment for her alcoholism? Is she pregnant?! DOESN’T SHE KNOW APPLEBEES IS GROSS?” Can you imagine?!?! What a terrible nightmare world we live in (in lots of ways, but right now I am specifically speaking about celebrity culture) (the #1 way everyone agrees that the world is a nightmare, doyoy), and I can only imagine it getting so much worse. (Though, from the way some people use social media you’d imagine that maybe people DESIRE this constant public narration of their daily activities.) (They should be famous!) Anyway, Shia LaBeouf allegedly went to Olive Garden and then got coffee and now WE ALL KNOW ABOUT IT! From Us Weekly:

He may be one of the wealthiest young stars in Hollywood, but Shia LaBeouf can’t resist Olive Garden’s affordable soup, salad and breadsticks combo! The Lawless actor treated his girlfriend, Mia Goth, to a meal at the chain restaurant in New York City on Wednesday, March 6. The dressed-down duo grabbed coffees after their dinner date.

What, you’re not going to tell us where they got coffees from? What happened post-coffee? What did they talk about at Olive Garden? Is the soda “bottomless” there, and if so how many refills did they get? How much money does Shia LaBeouf have in his bank account? (Like, the account he uses for spending money.) Where did YOU eat dinner that night? What’s your name? How much money do you have? Are you dating anyone, and if no when is the last time you were? What’s up? HELLO? DON’T YOU WANT TO TALK? (Via ONTD.)