Ugh. If there is one thing I know for sure in this world it is that no one likes when secrets are kept from them. Why even tell me that you have something you can’t tell me if YOU CAN’T TELL ME IT? Bunch of jerks. And today I learned that this pain is never more red hot than after the announcement that Fox’s Speed channel, whatever that is, is going to be turned into Fox Sports, and that Regis Philbin has an announcement concerning his involvement with Fox Sports (I KNOW), but that he WON’T TELL US WHAT THE INVOLVEMENT IS UNTIL TUESDAY? From Deadline:

In response to a question on CNBC about reports that he’ll host a show on the new service, Regis Philbin said “all I can tell you is this: There’ll be a major announcement coming out next Tuesday.” Well, what do you know? The Fox Sports Media Group has an upfront presentation scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. Anyone want to put odds on what Fox will announce? Sports Business Daily reported that Philbin was negotiating to lead a panel, much like Barbara Walters’ The View, that will focus on sports.

UH, YES ANYONE WANTS TO PUT ODDS ON WHAT FOX WILL ANNOUNCE. “All I can tell you is this: Fuck you, Regis Philbin. Tell us your secret.” Hahah. I’m sorry, Regis! We love you, you sweet old man, TELL US YOUR SECRET! My guesses are:

• All of Fox Sports will be filmed in a hot air balloon the shape of Regis Philbin’s head.
• Instead of showing the real heads of sports players, all heads will be replaced with Regis heads.
• Regis will do all sports announcing from now on in a very heavy-handed Regis parody voice.

WHAT ARE YOUR GUESSES? If Regis is going to hold out on us until next Tuesday, so many sleeps away, all we can do is HOPE that ONE OF US is RIGHT! (Regis voice.)