Word got out yesterday that Shia LaBeouf had withdrawn from what would have been his Broadway debut, a revival of Orphans also featuring Alec Baldwin. (His role will be taken over by Ben Foster, which sounds great. Right? I will not be seeing this, no doy, so it doesn’t matter at all, but Ben Foster sounds good!) Because this is the life the time we were born into and the celebrities we’ve created, Shia LaBeouf then Tweeted a screen shot of the email apology he sent to Alec Baldwin and, director or Orphans, David Sullivan, which was (as pointed out by NYTimes contributor David Itzkoff) nearly entirely plagiarized from a 2009 Esquire article titled “What Is a Man.” Hahaha. DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH. Plz read his email apology that he shared on Twitter. It is, as Borat would say, “VERY NICE!” So much of this makes total sense and I love it to death, but I do have a few questions:

• What?
• How nice is your home?
• Do you go on vacation a lot?
• Are you too weird to enjoy how often you get to go on vacation, or do you get it?
• What is the last thing you ate that you thought was really good?
• Why did you do that thing with the Esquire essay?
• Do you have a lot of nice skin and hair products, and were they gifted to you or did you have to buy them?
• How do you feel when you wake up in the morning, usually? (Follow up: How nice are your sheets?)
• Did you think it wasn’t a big deal to copy the whole thing and send it as an apology because maybe people would just assume that you meant to copy it and you weren’t trying to pass it off as your own?
• If you thought that: Why did you think that? It seems like you tried to make it seem like you wrote it and you learned these things from your dad?
• Why didn’t you change any of the words?
• How nice are the pants you’re wearing currently?
• Are you happy?

Thank you, Shia. PLZ let me know at your earliest convenience.