As we all know, Gwyneth Paltrow and Cameron Diaz are best friends. (Jay-Z is her daughter Applebottom’s God-Rapper, but that is a different kind of relationship altogether. Friendship doesn’t have nothing to do with it.) But now, I guess, Gwyneth Paltrow is also Cameron Diaz’s life coach because Cameron Diaz is sad and she refuses to pay for an actual life coach even though you know she can afford it? From PerezHilton:

“Gwyneth’s sorted out everything from finances to hooking her up with her trainer. She has also forced her to swear off sex for a year, saying men distract her focus.”

HEY ONE THING BEFORE WE EVEN SAY ANYTHING MORE ABOUT THIS: this quote appears on Perez Hilton’s website unattributed so should be taken with a grain of CREME FRAICHE (lol) and also did you even know that Perez Hilton still had a web site? Well, he does, and now you have a penis on your face. Pay attention. In his news article, Perez Hilton’s cousin, or whoever it is that writes that website these days because you know that it is not him, explains that the reason for Gwyneth Paltrow’s intervention into Cameron’s business (and when I say business I mean “business”) is because: “Apparently there’s some concern for Cammie’s well-being, with speculation of a mid-life crisis growing more and more.” HAHAHAHAHHA. Awww, poor Cameron Diaz? There is speculation of a mid-life crisis growing more and more. That is a serious problem and a real sentence. Everything about this story is so real it really makes you go hmmm. Let’s all not have sex for a year in solidarity with Cameron Diaz. Like when people shave their heads to support people diagnosed with cancer, but this time for something that’s really important. SPECULATION OF A MID-LIFE CRISIS GROWING MORE AND MORE. Get well soon, “Cammie.” Rest In Peace.