Wow, what a weird show that was! Most of the time it felt like we were children on a long car ride and our parents, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, did not pack enough fun surprises to get us through the trip meltdown free. The surprises they did pack were great, don’t get me wrong! Their opening jokes were wonderful, Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell were very funny, Dog President was great, and Tina and Amy’s string of jokes after losing to Lena Dunham was perfect and probably the best moment of the night. (“MIDDLE SCHOOL.”) (I know someone said this here at the very successful pizza party last night, but it is hilarious that the list of bad times Lena Dunham has gone through includes having mono.) (Of course it does.) (Pain breeds art!) But having such few, delightful little interludes only made it clearer how painfully boring the rest of the show was. EXCEPT FOR THE JODIE FOSTER PART. Obviously this is except for the Jodie Foster part, which we will get to in about one second. But the awards themselves, even when the winners were unexpected (Don Cheadle for House of Lies which is I guess a show on television that Don Cheadle stars in) (Lena Dunham for her role of “Lena Dunham” in The Lena Dunham Show) (though I have to admit I was hoping Tina Fey would win for her role of “Tina Fey” in The Tina Fey Show, so) (Jennifer Lawrence for her role of “Lady Everyone Likes, Actually”) — even when they were unexpected, it was still the Golden Globes, and it still felt like something someone had thrown together in order to keep someone else from crying, or whatever. “Ok, fine, you can have an awards show too!” (The someone else is future Ben Affleck.) So. Anyway, come with me after the jump to talk about Jodie Foster for a minute.

Uh. What? So. So, as I understand it, Jodie Foster’s speech was meant to say that she felt pressured by the monster world she has lived in for most of her life to come out in a public way, which is not something she has ever wanted to or felt it necessary to do. And it was a plea both for privacy and for being “understood deeply,” which I don’t believe are the opposites many are making them out to be. But. WHAT? Maybe I would be as moved as some are saying they were by the speech if I hadn’t been staring wide-eyed in second degree panic throughout the entire thing. “DOES SHE EVEN KNOW WHERE SHE IS RIGHT NOW?” “What is going on?!” “What…?!” She didn’t deliver the points she made in a way that seemed stable, is I guess what I am trying to say. And that could have been because she was nervous, which is more than fair, or, I don’t know. Who knows. Do you know? What do you think? I have no idea. Weren’t her red headed children adorable?

Soooo, what else. Taylor Swift’s losing face was MY FAVORITE. Sylvester Stallone being a huge dick to Arnold was insane. Anne Hathaway thanking someone when it wasn’t her turn to thank people anymore made me instantly change my mind back to what I previously had thought about her. It was nice to see Jessica Chastain FINALLY getting some recognition. Bill Clinton. And now you say something! Here is the full list of winners:

FILM

Best Picture, Drama: Argo
Best Picture, Musical or Comedy: Les Misérables
Best Actor, Drama: Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
Best Actress, Drama: Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
Best Actor, Musical or Comedy: Hugh Jackman, Les Misérables
Best Director: Ben Affleck, Argo
Best Actress, Musical or Comedy: Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained
Best Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway, Les Misérables
Best Foreign Language Film: Amour
Best Animated Film: Brave
Best Screenplay: Quentin Tarantino, Django Unchained
Best Original Score: Mychael Danna, Life of Pi
Best Original Song: Adele, “Skyfall,” Skyfall

TELEVISION

Best Series, Drama: Homeland
Best Series, Musical or Comedy: Girls
Best Actor, Drama: Damian Lewis, Homeland
Best Actress, Drama: Claire Danes, Homeland
Best Actress, Musical or Comedy: Lena Dunham, Girls
Best Actor, Musical or Comedy: Don Cheadle, House of Lies
Best Miniseries or Movie: Game Change
Best Actress, Miniseries or Movie: Julianne Moore, Game Change
Best Actor, Miniseries or Movie: Kevin Costner, Hatfields & McCoys
Best Supporting Actress, Series, Miniseries or Movie: Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey
Best Supporting Actor, Series, Miniseries or Movie: Ed Harris, Game Change