Finally an answer to the age-old question of if an entire television channel exists and none of us watch it or remember that it exists unless we read about it on Deadline, does it still continue to create a bunch of new unscripted series, each further and further away from anything you could ever see yourself or any other real human watching (with the exception of one about a school in New Orleans, which sounds like it could be worthwhile)? YES! We can finally stop wondering about that question! From Deadline:

OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network this morning announced four new unscripted series for 2013, including docu-series Raising Whitley, about comedienne Kym Whitley and her friends; Dogfellas, about a mobster-turned-dog groomer; and Blackboard Wars, about the efforts to improve a troubled New Orleans high school. OWN also has given a series order to Golden Sisters, the special/backdoor pilot about three frisky octogenarian sisters that aired last month.

The network also announced two scripted series from Tyler Perry called The Haves and the Have Nots and Love Thy Neighbor because Tyler Perry saw some throw pillows a few weeks ago and knew he could sell that stuff to somebody. But, anyway, so, ahhh, AHHH, DOGFELLAS!!!! “It’s like Cake Boss meets an errand you have to run.” “It’s like Golden Girls meets the show on Bravo about a hair salon, remember?” “It’s like, I don’t know, it’s just like a show about a person — I think you get what it’s like — but also the title is like Raising Hope and also Raising Arizona.” All the best. I guess I lied when I said that I couldn’t picture any real humans watching these shows because they all sound basically like any of the wildly successful TV shows that exist now, but if it’s so easy to create something that sounds like a wildly successful TV show WHY DON’T WE DO IT RIGHT NOW? Let’s try, it’ll be fun:

• Shoeless: A bunch of valley girls want to open a shoe store together but they don’t have any money to start the store and also they don’t even know how one goes about starting a shoe store. Will they ever start the store?!
• Modern Dog Family: Modern Family but with dogs. The dogs don’t talk but you can tell what they’re thinking from the music that’s played when they’re on screen.
• Garbage Bros: Two brothers drive around looking for garbage.
• Mob Dog: “You can teach an old mob dog new tricks!”
• Baby Ladies: A bunch of ladies start a business where they try to teach other ladies how to be good mothers. Their methods are a little unorthodox (and the ladies definitely have a mouth on ‘em) but boy do they do a good job!

YOUR TURN!