Who Will Be The Next Marlon Brando?

Marlon Brando was one of the greatest actors who ever lived. Ah-no-duh! He seethed with a tempestuous anger and bristled with an animal sexuality, is what someone would say if they were pretentious and wanted to sound smart when they described him.

Dude was also so crazy eventually!

As we all know, late in his life, Marlon Brando, with nothing left to prove, no mountains left to climb, a Legend among Men, went on an all butter diet and moved to a private Tahitian island called Tetiaroa where he primarily talked to himself and got sunburned his dick (one assumes). The actor was legendary for his mood swings, his political outbursts, his being 300 pounds, and his phoning it in on the few movies in which he did decide to act.

And so what! We should all be so lucky to peak by the time we're 30 and spend the rest of our lives as fat wastrels, succumbing to the pleasures of the flesh on our own private island! The question is, who's next? Which of our current stable of Hollywood stars has what it takes to have a complete fucking melt down and turn what was a once noble career into a late night monologue joke?

Shia LaBeouf: I'm not actually saying that Shia LaBeouf is as talented as Marlon Brando. I am saying that he is very famous very young, and that his movies tend to make a lot of money, some of which must go into his Rainy Private Island Day fund. The road of life is long and bumpy, and it is not impossible to imagine waking up one day to find out that there are no cheeseburgers left because Shia LaBeouf ate them all, right before he disappeared forever.

Mel Gibson: Obviously, dude is more than halfway there. The day that you start publicly defending your holocaust-denying father for denying the holocaust is the day that you should probably find a hot secluded beach to dry out your frying brain. Remember when he got arrested for drunk driving and for also calling a cop "sugar tits"? CLASSIC BRANDOIAN RECKLESS SELF-INDULGENT NIGHTMARE STUFF.

Taylor Kitsch: OK, obviously, no. I just wanted to post a picture of Taylor Kitsch. Texas forever, 33.

Will Smith: Not only has Will Smith been famous since what feels like the dawn of time (I heard the Sloth in Ice Age was based on him), he is also supposedly the "last bankable movie star." All of this suggests a monster narcissistic disaster celebrity, and yet he always seems so level-headed and even-tempered! Which is actually even scarier than just being a mess. It's bottled up in there somewhere, and when it finally emerges and he falls apart in front of everyone, it's going to be incredible.

Luis Guzman: What, you don't think Luis Guzman could be the next Marlon Brando? Racist.

Angelina Jolie: Here we go. Here's someone who from a very early age has been celebrated and fawned over. She now lives an unbearable horrorshow of a life under constant scrutiny and obsessive attention. The depth of the public's fascination with her is matched by the depth of her self-importance. She's got the money, the narcissistic affective disorder, the history of knife play and psycho-sexual mindgames, and the dwindling ambitions of someone at the top with nowhere left to go. And when her kids get old enough, she will have a defending army for her Nation of One.