Last week, Nikki Finke reported that the Gossip Girl spin-off about young Lily Rhode's adventures in LA had been canceled before it even began. Actually, Nikki Finke said "put a fork in it. It's done," just to give you a sense of how people talk in SHOWBIZ. This week's episode, of course, was supposed to be a teaser to whet everyone's appetite for this exciting new project (think That 80s Show meets Laguna Beach meets this), and it worked! Wait, what is the opposite of worked? Is it this?
This episode was the worst.
Let's focus on present day Gossip Girl stuff first. Our delicious cake before we get to the bowl of barf that is Lily's flashback. So, Lily locked Serena up in jail. The children all glower at her, and Lily gives a sheepish, guilt-stricken look, which is what happens when you completely destroy the boundaries between children and adults over years of high-stakes business dealings and emotional manipulation. I'm surprised the children haven't sued her for custody of her daughter*. In any case, Lily has come to bail Serena out, but Serena doesn't want to be bailed out. Lily says that when she has a daughter she will understand. Sure. Sort of. Although lots of people have daughters and never learn the important lesson of LYING TO THE POLICE IN ORDER TO HAVE THEM ARRESTED. In fact, most of the parents never learn that important parenting lesson.
Serena says she'd rather give her children up for adoption than end up like Lily, and then says "whoops, you've already done that." SERENA VAN DER WOODZING! That is a cold-hearted zing, look into its eyes, oh oh. Serena used her one phone call to call grandma Cece to bail her out, and Cece is like "if she only knew," and earlier Chuck Bass was like "only someone who hasn't been to jail would put their daughter in jail." Something tells me there's more to this than we thought! (The poster tells me that.) Later, Lily kicks Cece out of her house and tells her never to come back. It's nice to see that she is as good at being a daughter as she is at being a mom.
Back at Casa Del Humphrey, Dan and Jenny and Vanessa are having Chinese take-out on their own because obviously there aren't any parents to feed them dinner. Rufus comes out of his room where he has been pouting like an adult. The kids try to play it off, because they recognize that they are the emotional foundation of this family. But Rufus brushes off their attempt to be mature beyond their years. "You guys are the Gossip Girl generation, don't try to pretend like you aren't interested in this gossip." You mean the gossip of how you were going to propose marriage to your son's ex-girlfriend's mother? The step-mother of the boy who tried to date-rape your daughter at a party last year? THAT GOSSIP, FATHER? But even worse, he doesn't even explain to them what is going on. He just drops cryptic hints about Lily's interference with his bad investment and then says that Lily had Serena arrested, but instead of answering any of their completely reasonable questions, he returns to his room for some more pouting.
[videoembed size="full_width" alignment="center"][/videoembed]
Dan calls Lily, the way that guys in high school are always calling their ex-girlfriend's moms all the time, to see how mad Serena is at him for ratting out her Poppy Lifton sting operation, but Lily tells him that Serena is still in jail. Still in jail?! Yes, Serena has decided to stay in jail until Lily agrees to let her live her own life. Right. Because of how many unfair rules Serena lives under. "No flying off to Barcelona on a whim without calling me first." "Fuck you, mom!" So Dan bails Serena out of jail, because he can't afford to go to college, but he can afford to pay bails, and takes her to prom.
Oh, btw, it's prom.
Blair has always dreamed of having the perfect prom. She has a watercolored dream diary for all her prom dreams.
Her dress gets ruined by the dry cleaners, but luckily a replacement dress comes from Paris, and it's just like the one in her scrapbook. "It must be from Daddy," she says. Because if there is one lesson that everyone on this show refuses to learn, it's that whatever your initial conclusion is, you probably don't need to boldly claim that it's the only possible answer for what's going on. But you will.
Also this:
Just a couple of dudes talking about their dream proms. What?
[videoembed size="full_width" alignment="center"][/videoembed]
BROS 4EVER.
But it turns out that Chuck is sabotaging Nate's dream prom. In order to give Blair hers. He has reserved her the penthouse at the Plaza and stuffed the ballot box to make her and Nate prom queen and king. Weird. That's weird. I get that he loves her, but this is heading into Bitter Moon territory. In any case, Nate and Blair break up on the dance floor with a clear-eyed sense of mutual understanding. Breaking up is hard to do, when you do it like you're a 45-year-old thoughtfully pondering your second divorce.
And then there is the '80s plot. Woof. The worst part is that if they made a terrible spin-off, I could (and would) choose not to watch it, but this is being forced on me.
[videoembed size="full_width" alignment="center"][/videoembed]
It's not even important. Baby Lily runs away. She falls in love with some baby dude. They go to a party and get into a fight. She is arrested. I think the parallel is supposed to be that she, like Serena, also struggled to find her independence from an interfering mother who had other plans for her life, but it doesn't really work. Even on the most basic level: Cece never had Lily arrested, she got arrested on her own steam. The most important thing, in any event, is making as many visual references to the '80s as possible.
Also, spoken Tower Records reference, and on-going fannypack jokes. Forget it, Jake, it's Lazywritingtown. Poor Andrew McCarthy. Even now when he gets work that work still has to be set in the '80s. Place a fork in him. He is done.
A parting gift:
*JK. Who would want custody of Serena? But I am surprised that the state hasn't sued Lily for custody of her daughter. Not because they want Serena either, but because of the laws against horrible negligence.
