In a world beset by attacks on human rights, disease, death, and social media, the one thing everyone can agree is the scariest thing is, indeed, the night of Halloween. Oh, yes. Hallowe’en. Allhalloween. All Hallows’ Eve. It’s when the spooky ghosts come out to haunt, the ghouls and goblins jaunt to taunt, and when you drink too much at the party because it’s not fun and everyone there is not even your friend. Very, very spooky.

As you know, many popular artists have celebrated this wicked night with songs called, a lot of the time, in a way that is very to-the-point, “Halloween.” Or sometimes they’re called things like, “Halloween Night” or “It’s Halloween.” But do these songs live up to the spookiness of the night to which they’re dedicated? In order to find out, we’ve judged fifteen of them according to a series of strict categories and rated them on a scale of one to ten very scary ghosts.

Please — don’t get too spooked.

Dave Matthews Band – “Halloween”

IS THE SONG ABOUT SOMETHING SCARY?: It seems like this is a song about a man who considered a woman his property and is so upset that she rejected the designation that he decided to write a Halloween-themed song about it in the style of Dave Matthews. So, yes — it is very scary.
DOES THE SONG SOUND SCARY?: Yes, extremely. Dave Matthews is doing a scary impression of Tom Waits doing an impression of Dave Matthews, for one, and also it sounds like Dave Matthews is a demon. I think at least the second one is on purpose.
SCARIEST LYRIC: “Don’t walk away / Don’t walk away / Don’t walk away / I’m talking to you.”
WHY?: You should never speak to a woman like that, especially when you’re using your scary Tom Waits voice.
IS THE TITLE JUST “HALLOWEEN”?: Yes, it’s just “Halloween.”
RATING:

The Misfits – “Halloween”

IS THE SONG ABOUT SOMETHING SCARY?: Oh, yes. The song is about Halloween in general and describes it in very spooky terms.
DOES THE SONG SOUND SCARY?: Hmm. It sounds like a Misfits song, so, yes, it sounds scary, but more in an enjoyable way than a frightening way.
SCARIEST LYRIC: “This day anything goes / Burning bodies hang from poles.”
WHY?: A horrifying image. The least scary lyric is probably “pumpkin faces in the night.”
IS THE TITLE JUST “HALLOWEEN”?: Just “Halloween.”
RATING:

Siouxsie And The Banshees – “Halloween”

IS THE SONG ABOUT SOMETHING SCARY?: From what I can tell this song is about loss of innocence, which can be very scary, indeed.
DOES THE SONG SOUND SCARY?: It sounds a little scary. Especially when Siouxsie Sioux sings, “I wear my silence like a mask, and murmur like a ghhoOoooOooost” in a ghost voice.
SCARIEST LYRIC: “The night is still / And the frost, it bites my face.”
WHY?: Sounds like a spooky, cold night.
IS THE TITLE JUST “HALLOWEEN”?: Yes, looks like this one is just “Halloween.”
RATING:

Dead Kennedys – “Halloween”

IS THE SONG ABOUT SOMETHING SCARY?: Specifically it’s about a man hiding his sexuality or sexual fetish, bringing it out only on Halloween. More broadly, it’s about not being some uptight businessman in some fuckin’ suit. I imagine its scariness varies with how much of a cog you are in the corporate machine.
DOES THE SONG SOUND SCARY?: No, it sounds very much like a Dead Kennedys song.
SCARIEST LYRIC: “Why don’t you take you social regulations / Shove ‘em up your ass?”
WHY?: It challenges you.
IS THE TITLE JUST “HALLOWEEN?: Yes, this one is just “Halloween.”
RATING:

Chief Keef – “Everydays Halloween”

IS THE SONG ABOUT SOMETHING SCARY?: It’s a lot about how your girl is giving Chief Keef blowjobs, so it depends on how sure you are of yourself and your relationship.
DOES THE SONG SOUND SCARY?: It does. The beat features a spooky laugh and then a scream and it sounds like John Carpenter’s Halloween theme, which is very scary.
SCARIEST LYRIC: “I’m 300, bitch / You on some ho shit.”
WHY?: It’s true.
IS THE TITLE JUST “HALLOWEEN”?: No, this one has one more word.
RATING:

Ministry – “Everyday Is Halloween”

IS THE SONG ABOUT SOMETHING SCARY?: It’s about being a nonconformist, which is only scary for conformists. Unfortunately, as the song points out, the world is full of conformists. Very sad — and scary.
DOES THE SONG SOUND SCARY?: Yes, it sounds like a song that would play in goth ’80s hell.
SCARIEST LYRIC: “Well I live with snakes and lizards / And other things that go bump in the night.”
WHY?: Creepy roommates.
IS THE TITLE JUST “HALLOWEEN”?: No, this one is “Everyday Is Halloween.”
RATING:

Lil B – “Halloween Bitches”

IS THE SONG ABOUT SOMETHING SCARY?: Not really, it’s just about bitches.
DOES THE SONG SOUND SCARY?: Yes. Although Lil B doesn’t mention Halloween even one time, the beat is spooky and the way he raps off-tempo is somewhat unsettling.
SCARIEST LYRIC: “Bitches know my name / But bitches love me for the fame.”
WHY?: It would be scary to not know whether someone loves you for you or for your fame.
IS THE TITLE JUST “HALLOWEEN”?: No, it has one more word.
RATING:

Insane Clown Posse – “Halloween On Military Street”

IS THE SONG ABOUT SOMETHING SCARY?: It’s about these disgusting clown people trick-or-treating and getting things like a dead crackhead and a “nice hot fresh home made loaf of yeast infection bread” in their bag.
DOES THE SONG SOUND SCARY?: Yes.
SCARIEST LYRIC: The entire thing is a nightmare.
WHY?: I don’t want to talk about it.
IS THE TITLE JUST “HALLOWEEN”?: No, this one has three more words.
RATING:

Lou Reed – “Halloween Parade”

IS THE SONG ABOUT SOMETHING SCARY?: It’s pretty much just a list of people Lou Reed sees at the Halloween parade in New York, but then also it’s about being at the Halloween parade in New York and missing your sweetheart, who is not there. It’s very scary to open yourself up to someone enough to let them affect you that way, so yes, it is scary.
DOES THE SONG SOUND SCARY?: No, it sounds like a pleasant Lou Reed song.
SCARIEST LYRIC: “And some Homeboys lookin’ for trouble down here from the Bronx.”
WHY?: Seems racist.
IS THE TITLE JUST “HALLOWEEN”?: No, it’s “Halloween Parade.”
RATING:

Sonic Youth – “Halloween”

IS THE SONG ABOUT SOMETHING SCARY?: I’m not sure, exactly. It could be about either a predatory man, which would be scary, or just a weird man whom Kim Gordon is attracted to, which would also be scary. So I guess in either case it is scary, yes.
DOES THE SONG SOUND SCARY?: It does, but sort of a sexy scary.
SCARIEST LYRIC: “There’s something shifting in the distance / Don’t know what it is”
WHY?: Because, what is it? The answer is a man.
IS THE TITLE JUST “HALLOWEEN”?: Yes, just “Halloween.”
RATING:

Matt Pond PA – “Halloween”

IS THE SONG ABOUT SOMETHING SCARY?: Not really. It’s about going to a party and hating it and wanting to leave immediately, which is scary, but at least you have some agency. And then it’s about asking a romantic interest if she wants to leave with you “before it gets bad,” which is exciting and charming. However, thinking it’s “charming” may say more about me than it does about this song, which is scary.
DOES THE SONG SOUND SCARY?: No, it doesn’t even sound particularly sad. Sounds kinda upbeat.
SCARIEST LYRIC: “If you don’t know or care you’ll be all right.”
WHY?: It’s true.
IS THE TITLE JUST “HALLOWEEN”?: Just “Halloween.”
RATING:

The Shaggs – “It’s Halloween”

IS THE SONG ABOUT SOMETHING SCARY?: Like the Misfits song “Halloween,” this song is about Halloween in general. The Shaggs’ description is less scary than the Misfits’ description, though, and even suggests that it might be “fun.” Not particularly scary.
DOES THE SONG SOUND SCARY?: No, it just sounds great.
SCARIEST LYRIC: “The ghosts will spook / The spooks will scare / Why, even Dracula will be there.”
WHY?: Even Dracula will be there!
IS THE TITLE JUST “HALLOWEEN”?: No, this one has one more word.
RATING:

Mastodon – “Halloween”

IS THE SONG ABOUT SOMETHING SCARY?: It certainly sounds like it is, though I can’t really get a handle on the plot. Something about spirits rising and using a razor blade to cut some lines and a robe falling.
DOES THE SONG SOUND SCARY?: It definitely sounds intense, but not quite “scary.”
SCARIEST LYRIC: “Just wait till my robe falls at my feet.”
WHY?: No thanks.
IS THE TITLE JUST “HALLOWEEN”?: Yes, just “Halloween.”
RATING:

John Carpenter – “Halloween Theme (Main Title)”

IS THE SONG ABOUT SOMETHING SCARY?: Yes it’s about the movie Halloween!!
DOES THE SONG SOUND SCARY?: Yes!!!!
SCARIEST LYRIC: This song does not have lyrics but the scariest part is probably around 1:10.
WHY?: Because that’s when the music builds and then drops out, which is spooky.
IS THE TITLE JUST “HALLOWEEN”?: No. Although the movie the song is taken from is just called Halloween, the song is called “Halloween Theme (Main Title),” which is three more words than just “Halloween.”
RATING:

Slim Thug – “Halloween Night”

IS THE SONG ABOUT SOMETHING SCARY?: Yes, it’s about murdering somebody.
DOES THE SONG SOUND SCARY?: It does, it has a spooky beat and you really can’t help but notice how much it is about a plan to murder somebody.
SCARIEST LYRIC: “I’?m ’bout to fire your house up / Call the laws, I don?t give a fuck.”
WHY?: You’re going to get murdered pretty much for sure.
IS THE TITLE JUST “HALLOWEEN”?: No, but close—this one is called “Halloween Night.”
RATING: