Once upon a time there was a comedy metal band called Steel Panther. In an arch hair-metal style comparable to the Darkness, they recorded joke songs such as “Poontang Boomerang,” “Gangbang At The Old Folks Home,” “She’s On The Rag,” “Let Me Cum In,” and “Weenie Ride.”

In keeping with these sophisticated tendencies, the band’s guitarist — who goes by the stage name Satchel and was born Russell John Parish — designed a guitar effect that could be wirelessly beamed to TC Electronics’ TonePrint effects pedals from the company’s app. The effect was called “Pussy Melter.” Its description read, “When we met up with Steel Panther’s oh-so-humble guitarist, he had only one condition: that the tone is as wet as the ladies on the front row. With ‘Pussy Melter,’ that’s exactly what you get: a delay tone, which perfectly nails that heavy metal lead tone, whilst simultaneously ensuring that the janitor ain’t going home early.”

Quite reasonably, some people found this offensive. After popular indie musicians such as Braids’ Raphaelle Standell, Japanese Breakfast’s Michelle Zauner, and Ted Leo spoke out against the “Pussy Melter” terminology, TC Electronics apologized and removed the TonePrint from their app and website.

How do you think Steel Panther responded to this development? Do you think they learned a valuable lesson about misogyny and congratulated their critics for helping them grow as people? They did not.

Instead, as Pitchfork points out, the band is selling their own standalone “Pussy Melter” pedals with knobs labeled “Dirty,” “Sizzle,” “Booty,” and “Load.” They also issued a statement:

We respect and love the freedom of speech afforded to all citizens in the US. We support the right for all people to express themselves no matter where they are in the world. We welcome all races, genders and sexual orientations at our shows – shows that celebrate everyone’s individuality through partying, and of course a love of heavy metal.

As clearly stated by Satchel when it was originally developed, the sound being created by the Pussy Melter tone pack was intended to bring pleasure to females who heard it. Steel Panther is happy to announce that we are now offering pleasurable eargasms to everyone.

And so American society continued in an irreparable state of division, and no one lived happily ever after. The end.