Craftwerk: The 10 Weirdest U2 Crafts On The Web
They came to us nearly fully formed in sound and attitude: bombastic, righteous, and solemn, but always impressively airtight in their professionalism for such a young band. Paul “Bono” Hewson was always a head of hair. He was a small statured man with a huge voice and a vaulting ambition — and always, always hair. Hair from here to Sunday. Less so, Dave “The Edge” Evans, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen, Jr. — you always felt that the three of them put together couldn’t grow one Bono-like pompadour — but still the band was never less than fashion conscious and well appointed. Early on they projected the image of serious young men with grave thoughts on the brain, espousing a rigorously intractable concern with social justice, non-violence, and human rights. It was a largely noble and certainly understandable posture for four individuals raised amidst the teeming chaos of a divided Ireland in the 1960s and ’70s. The periodically grim earnestness of their spiritual and political preoccupations played in odd ways with their fashion choices, and Bono’s hair seemed to grow higher and higher, until, around the time of Rattle & Hum, it became clear that the band could no longer sustain its literal and metaphorical weight. Something had to change. The band took time off. When they regrouped a few years later, with the entirely revamped sound of Achtung, Baby, highlighting the group’s long suppressed sense of irony, Bono’s mane had been tamed — or at least slicked back in the manner of a particularly repugnant Hollywood agent — and he had added the colored sunglasses which became a trademark of the band’s second act and later work.
Most people can’t wear vests or leather pants without creating a tremendous public outcry. You have to have some kind of standing in the world to do this and not be burnt as a heretic. U2 understands this, and also understands that as one of the biggest rock bands in the world for four decades running, they can wear anything they want. In this regard they do not shrink from the privilege, but rather embrace it. Lets take a look at a few examples of U2 doing it their way:
This is an image of the very young band – so young that they couldn’t even afford full-size t-shirts or to have Larry Mullen in the photo (instead they got Guggi to pose in his stead. All except that rogue The Edge, who has enough shirt that he can tuck it in his pants — where does his trust fund come from? Why is he holding a shoe? So many questions.
OK, here’s U2 on the beach during their imperious middle period, we guess doing like a Village People thing where everyone’s a different kind of manly archetype? Larry Mullen pretty much nails the biker dude look, Adam Clayton seems comfortable as a rent boy, Bono’s maybe trying to be a gangster, and The Edge appears to be like some hybrid of a bandito and a guy who handmakes hammered dulcimers. Those painted jeans had to have been a conscious decision on his part, yes? Whatever, these guys all seem like they just want to get the photo shoot over with so they can get into whatever is cooking over that unforgettable bonfire (likely a piping hot cauldron of Guinness, right?).
And so we progress to the “Beautiful Day” salad years. What have we learned? Looks like vests are out, leather is now for blazers and not pants, and v-necks for everyone. Although it’s not a contest and we don’t encourage wagering, if there is a real winner here, it has to be Adam Clayton, who has really managed to run the vaunted geek to chic gamut by going prematurely gray and therefore Paul Newman-exotic (who are we kidding? Of course it’s a contest.).
And … back through the looking glass!
So: has U2 inspired crafts? You bet U2 has inspired crafts. At the risk of selling short our previous subjects on Craftwerk, this may be by orders of magnitude be our greatest bounty yet. It took a pitched, highly emotional, multi-hour winnowing process to arrive at just these ten, complete with crying, recrimination and epithets (and this was just when we consulted James Jackson Toth). So by all means, explore on your own – there’s a lot out there if you still haven’t found what you’re looking for. (We know, fuck off).
Start Crafting here.
9. Toy Box
For those prospective parents looking to take every measure to prevent the off chance that their children will actually enjoy the cool music of the day, here's this highly indoctrinating rock and roll toy chest with Bono, Mick Jagger, and Bruce Springsteen prominently featured on the front. Like Pavlov's dog, your child will invariably develop positive association with these legends, for they are the gatekeepers to all of the toys. (Seller is not responsible for uncontrollable drooling every time the lid is opened).
8. Pop Dress
There are a lot of wonderful craftspeople out in the world today that are committed to being kind to the planet and using recycled materials to produce their wares. Etsy seller Cari B. is one of these environmentally minded folk. In the spirit of making lemonades from lemons, her upcycled tube dress is made out of an old U2 concert t-shirt from the POP Mart tour and is a flattering and fun silhouette for any rocker chick looking to serve some eco-friendly realness. Like Bono's mullet, the dress is all business in the front and knotted, sexy and draped in the back. If only Cari B. were around when the boys apparently couldn't find enough fabric to make one whole t-shirt, or when they didn't have shirts at all to wear under their leather vests.
The last person to really successfully deploy U2 in a Christmas greeting scheme was Bob Geldof, so it's nice to see someone's picking up the mantle here. In this festive bit of fan art, the seemingly delighted Adam Clayton and Edge appear to be rocking around the Christmas tree while dressing a none-too-happy Larry Mullen, Jr. as Santa. The caption reads "This Year, It's Larry's Turn to Dress Up as Santa… Merry Christmas U2 Friends!" with the implication that donning the jolly elf's suit is the punishment for drawing the short straw. Maybe things are just different in Ireland than in America? In any event, this isn't such a bad little tableaux at all, but for one thing: there appears to be some wisecracker in the background putting an anvil into Santa's sack. Who is that guy? Jerry Stiller? Where is Bono? Is the anvil Bono's gift? Are we being taught some kind of lesson here about the true meaning of Christmas? We guess you should just embrace the mystery.
We've all read Emily Post and we all know the drill: if you go to a party, you must ALWAYS put a coaster under whatever you are drinking, lest you spoil the furniture with an unsightly water ring (or worse). It's good manners, but it's also just common sense. However, this means that if you are the host of a festive gathering, you better have some coasters for your guests. And this is where these beauties come in. Four coasters made from solid pine, each featuring a stunning image of "All That You Left Behind"-era Bono, which has been branded (not printed, the seller is careful to mention) with his likeness. Unclear why he didn't go ahead and make coasters of the whole band, but perhaps it makes a kind of sense: let's be honest, The Edge, Adam and Larry are great, but only Bono is truly a "brand." Whatever! The point is, these are pretty sweet as a conversation piece and the sort of thing that any guest would happily set their martini, pinot or 40 of Guinness on. You'll have a meteoric rise in your community as the bon vivant hostess with the mostess and all that your guests will leave behind is their appreciation, bonhomie and maybe some urine in a potted plant. But at least you won't have rings on your furniture.
So… this. Well, it's a cat pin. The cat is called "Toodles." There's actually quite a bit to recommend here – as vintage kitty cats go, "Toodles" is pretty natty, the glitter adds a nice glam touch and it's priced to move at 15 bucks. Not quite sure what "My Aunt Debbie" is really after here in suggesting that "Toodles" the Cat, even with her (his?) impressive opposable thumb, could ever really drum like "Larry Mullens Jr.," whoever that guy is. For anyone who's ever spent any time playing in a band with a cat, you'll know right away that it's simply not possible – cats just don't have that kind of discipline. They're too easily distracted and they make terrible artistic choices. They always want to put a reggae twist into a 4/4 rocker, just because they can. They're fussy and preening and they'll throw up in the back of the van without any compunction. So, no, "Toodles," you cannot play drums in our U2 tribute band, but yes, we will buy your pin.
4. Easter Bono
It appears what we have here is a fetching milieu of Bono as the Easter Bunny, which also depicts him holding the entire world in his paw. In addition, Easter Bono is making some kind of ironic/appreciative gesture towards America with the inner lining of his stars and stripes jacket, and also he is wearing a U2 shirt, which is a pretty aggressive bit of self-marketing. We know that Bono is the Easter Bunny, and not just wearing rabbit ears, because he is carrying a basket spilling over with colored eggs. Overall, very successful. A couple of notes: the caption reads "Bono Funny Easter Greeting Card Caricature," which is a bit of an editorial jungle, and could at a minimum, benefit from some demonstrative articles. Also, we'll go as far as "winsome," but maybe stop a little short of calling this "funny." And certainly there are at least a few interpretations in which it is neither "winsome" nor "funny," but simply "apocalyptic."
3. Bono is the Devil Thumbtacks
The proprietors of the on-line store Heavy Mental hate Bono, because they think he is a pompous, prancing ponce of a messianic egomaniac with the actual temerity to dress himself as the Easter Bunny. Okay, they didn't say that verbatim -- we extrapolated -- but they do say they hate him. That is why they are offering this corkboard that juxtaposes one image of Bono with four other images of the Red Lord of the Underworld. A couple of important questions. 1) Is what Heavy Mental saying about Bono true? Answer: Epistemologically speaking, we cannot know for sure if it's true or not. Over time many rock stars have been suspected of being the devil, and some have even gone to lengths to promote the suggestion. Don McLean thinks everyone is the fucking devil that didn't perish the day the music died, but especially Mick Jagger (we think). The point here is that there is no available evidence to overwhelmingly underscore that Bono is Lucifer-incarnate, although "Who's Going To Ride Your Wild Horses" does suggest the work of a lesser demon. 2) Is this item useful? Answer: Of course it's useful! Haven't you ever needed to tack something to something else before you inadvertently lose it or set it on fire? You need this. Get three.
2. Ewe 2
What the...?!?! Oh, okay, we see. Ewe2. Because they are sheep. This is what is commonly known as a pun. Well candidly, that's a bit disappointing -- for a brief moment it seemed like there might be something pretty spectacularly scary acid casualty crazy going on here. But this is clearly the work of a well-ordered (if livestock preoccupied) mind. Alright then, lets see what else we can get out of this. Are sheep really this dainty? Look at their tiny little legs! Sheep Bono and Sheep Edge both have legs like Bolshoi Ballet dancers. That's kind of cute. Sheep Edge looks mutely terrified, or like he has been recently electrocuted -- that's not as cute. Does he have a whammy bar?? Jesus Christ, his guitar doesn't even have strings -- why in the world does he need a whammy bar??? Sheep Bono is doing that thing where he slouches like the leaning tower and bellows out a dramatic chorus -- it's pretty obvious that Ewe2 is performing "Pride" here. Hopefully they won't do the spoken word part. Okay, we had our doubts, but on further examination we are sold by the "shear" audacity of the gesture (you're not the only one who can play the pun game, Bleating Cards...).
1. Obama's White House Card Game
Hmmm. A lot going on here. World leaders, plus Bono, in various states of inebriation in a "Dogs Playing Poker" milieu. Everyone seems pretty drunk over all, except for the Dalai Lama, which makes a kind of sense when you consider that while the painting is entitled "Obama's White House Card Game," it seems pretty apparent that they are actually engaged in some manner of unorthodox five man chess challenge. Confusing, but admittedly intriguing. Also a touch nerve jangling is the stamp across the page that apparently is an advertisement for something called Erotic Art House -- which pretty well begs the question -- where does this artist imagine this meeting of celebrated dignitaries is going?? We mean, after everyone is checkmated and drunk to the tits? Well, best not to dwell on it. The important thing here is that, while completely imaginary, this is probably the most important historic event since the Yalta Conference. The original can be yours for $995 plus shipping, which feels like a small price to pay for history. Remember, the Dutch paid only $24 dollars for all of Manhattan. (Granted, in retrospect that appears to have been a mistake.)
