How do costume designers find clothes that make Natalie Portman seem normal-sized? I know Thor has a boomerang hammer and a solid chest or whatever, but Natalie Portman and I are the same height, according to the Internet, and somehow she comes across as being adult-sized in this and every movie, and for that she is the real superhero. I think it has something to do with making the buttons on her shirts smaller? I don’t know, but it was exciting and fun to watch! Two thumbs up for Natalie Portman’s wardrobe — lighthearted, sexy, and action-packed! I couldn’t look away! But anyway, about Thor: The Dark World: I almost fell asleep while watching Thor: The Dark World. Full disclosure: I did not see the first Thor movie and I don’t particularly enjoy superhero movies, especially boring ones. This was not a movie for me! I am aware that there were probably a lot of things that could have been explained if only I had read some comic books seen the first Thor and understood who his character was or had even a loose grasp on what was going on, but I didn’t. Oh well. SUE ME. I’m not a nerd and I’m not going to devote my time to NERD SHIT. Hahah. Just kidding. Kind of. Do what you love, don’t do what you don’t love. Is anyone still reading this? My apologies if you are! Thor: The Dark World was boring and I pretty much hated it, let’s talk about it!

Thor: The Dark World is about…god, what is Thor: The Dark World about. I’ll say first that it was MOSTLY fighting. Like, it opened with a big fight scene (the current-times fight scene, not the explanatory old time-y fight scene) that, I’m pretty sure, as far as I could tell, had nothing to do with the rest of the movie. I guess it set a sense of general unease? It reminded you that when Thor hits his hammer on the ground, everybody shakes? The lady got to save Thor, to show that ladies can ALSO save Thors? I’m not saying that superhero movies shouldn’t have lots of fight scenes, no duh, but probably they should be between two groups whose opposing desires are, at the very least, known to the audience. I think that is THE LEAST that should be required of a fight scene. “Uhhh, I believe if you refer to Thor issue #157 you’ll find a clear description of the battle to restore peace between” BLAH BLAH BLAH WHO CARES SHUT UP. I don’t know if it actually referred to anything, but if it did I want to say that I hate wink-y nerd stuff that not only doesn’t make any sense to a casual viewer, but actually serves to CONFUSE a casual viewer. Like, you know how in Star Trek Into Darkness at the beginning you think that there is going to be a problem with Kirk’s health, because they keep bringing it up, but then that plot line just goes away? Because I guess that’s, like, a thing in the series? And it was just a joke for fans who understood that it was a thing in the series? THAT WAS CONFUSING, IT JUST SEEMED LIKE A MISTAKE. Anyway, what are we talking about?

Oh, right, Thor. It’s about a bunch of evil red goop, essentially. The evil red goop is kind of like The Nothing from The Neverending Story. The Dark Elves developed The Nothing (“the Aether”) thousands of years ago to bring darkness to the universe, but Thor’s ancestors stopped them. Why didn’t they then destroy the red goop and be done with it? Well, because it was TOO EVIL to be destroyed. So they just buried it. Classic goop. Classic Norse idiot gods. Classic lazy story. Part of what made this movie extra boring was that the “evil” that Dean Thor and the gang were fighting was simply evil for evil’s sake. It wasn’t evil because it had a sad childhood stuck in a well, or whatever. It wasn’t evil because, like, a scientist was mad that the government messed up his robots or whatever, so he built another robot and this one is bigger, or something else, I don’t know. It was just evil. Okay. SNOOZE, BUT OKAY.

So. Natalie Portman, who hasn’t seen her boring Thor boyfriend (who I don’t even know why she likes) in two years, finds a portal to an alternate dimension, enters the alternate dimension, and stumbles onto the goop. Now the goop is inside of her mouth, and now the evil elves are awake for whatever reason, and now they want their goop back! (Thor: How Evil Elf Got His Goop Back.)

UH-OH! So. Blah blah blah. Loki is in mutant jail. He doesn’t care about helping Thor with his darkness duties until their mom is killed, so now he does want to help. Tom Hiddleston is VERY good as Loki. I don’t know why they made this boring Thor movie, they should have released an Internet mini-movie that set up a Loki movie, and then done a Loki movie! SUPERHERO MOVIE PROBLEM SOLVED. A bit too late, but better late then never! Speaking of Loki — and I know I’m all over the place here, but — everyone lost their shit in my theater when Loki turned into Captain America, like it was the craziest fucking thing they’d ever seen in their lives. Uh. IT’S A MARVEL SUPERHERO MOVIE. Doesn’t that stuff always happen? Relax. I enjoyed it, too, but — relax.

So, uh. Loki and Thor team up and defeat the elf. They don’t let Natalie Portman in on the secret that Loki is going to be pretend against Thor at the beginning of the fight, because Natalie Portman is never really in on anything in this movie. People just tell her to do things and she does them, and sometimes she says science words and it’s like, uh, right. But Loki and Thor are not against each other! (Another aside: there was a child sitting behind me who would repeat nearly every line of dialogue to his mom, which was actually very cute and not as annoying as it sounds, [still a little annoying], and a little bit after it was revealed that they were working together, he said, “…I think they’re working together!”) (hahah, BABIES) But then Loki dies. OR DOES HE?

Back on Earth, Erik Selvig went crazy and ran naked around Stonehenge and made sticks that are controlled by a remote-controlled car remote from 1992 that can send things back to the other realm, which is 100% unexplained. I guess the one thing you can say that Natalie Portman does in this movie is control the remote. She does a good job there!

Loki doesn’t die, and now he is the king. Good. I hope he makes jokes and destroys everything on Earth — ON EARTH, NOT IN THOR TOWN — in a Loki movie next.

Also, Chris O’Dowd is in this movie. And while we’re at it, so are Idris Elba and Anthony Hopkins. Why? They didn’t need to be. They could have gotten nobodies, it didn’t really matter!

THE END!

PS: I stayed to watch the first post-credits scene, but not the second. The first one was very silly. Tell me what you thought of this movie, I’m sure it will be far more reasonable than what I thought.