Ah, our final meeting of the Videogum Spooky Movie Club, taking place on All Hallows’ Eve. Does everyone have their cloak on and candles lit? Are you ready to have your blood drawn and offered as a sacrifice to the demon spirit, allowing Him to inhabit your physical being while freeing your spirit to enter the glowing hellscape that bubbles beneath the Earth? It won’t hurt a bit! At least, not for long! Oh, but it is mandatory — did you not check the terms of your Videogum Spooky Movie Club contracts before you signed them at the beginning of the month? Ha-ha, oh but you did sign, I have your signatures right here! BOO! Hahaha. Ahhhhh. Were you scared?! Gosh, I got you so good. Shaking in your tiny little eBoots. “Oh, b-b-but, K-K-K-K-K-Kelly!” But it is our final meeting — that wasn’t a Halloween goof — and what better movie to end on than scary monster Roman Polanski’s Rosemary’s Baby? I watched this with a friend who hadn’t seen it (ps: insane) and when she saw that it was directed by Roman Polanski she said, “Wait — isn’t he, like, a murderer?” Hahaha. Not quite, but, hey, why split hairs. Yes. But, so, Rosemary’s Baby: An insanely pretty, graceful, stylish, and kind woman named Rosemary and her piece of shit actor husband named Guy move into an apartment that is nice enough but not, like, insanely nice, make friends with their completely annoying old neighbors, Roman and Minnie, and blah, blah, blah, rape, rape, rape, jerk, haircut, clothing, herb shake, herb shake, herb shake, Charles Grodin, Charles Grodin, tannis root, gaslighting, gaslighting, gaslighting, gaslighting, gaslighting, Rosemary has the devil’s baby. Hahah. It’s a perfect movie and I have seen it 100 times and this most recent time felt no less perfect than the other 99. But I do still have a few questions:

What does Roman Castevet tell Guy?: It’s insane to me that everyone on Earth (fact: everyone on Earth) obsesses over what Bill Murray whispered to Scarlett Johansson at the end of Lost In Translation, yet I haven’t seen one blog post detailing what could have transpired in the, what, three minutes?, that Rosemary and Minnie were doing dishes together while Roman convinced Guy to sacrifice his wife’s mental and physical wellbeing and offer his firstborn child, and therefore THE WORLD?, to the devil in order to gain Hollywood success. This is my guess:

Roman: Guy, you’re a piece of shit, right?
Guy: Yeah, kind of. It’s not totally clear, but you can definitely see how I could be a huge piece of shit.
Roman: Right. Okay, great. So, do you want to get roles in plays and achieve Hollywood success?
Guy: More than anything.
Roman: Great. Okay, all you have to do is let your wife be raped by the devil–
Guy: I’ll do it.
Roman: Oh, you don’t want to hear the rest? There’s a little bit more.
Guy: Do I have to do anything? Like, will anything negative happen to me?
Roman: Oh no, nothing.
Guy: Okay then why would I care to hear any more?
Roman: I guess you have a point–
Guy: Cheers!
Roman: Cheers! But, so, I feel like I should tell you this — your wife will then have the devil’s child.
Guy: Whatever!

That piece of shit! Gosh, he makes me so mad. How dare you treat Rosemary this way, even outside of the thing where you let her be raped by the devil! How dare you be so emotionally abusive! SHE IS BETTER THAN YOU. How dare you throw away the book Rosemary got from Hutch and then get mad at HER about it. YOU HORRIBLE ABUSIVE MAN. Speaking of:

Couldn’t Hutch have maybe given her a little more to go on? “The name is an anagram”? For real, Hutch? I know you’ve been thrown into a devil coma because you forgot your glove and now all the witches are against you — also, not to be a jerk, but you should have known better not to leave your glove and you should have known better than to leave the apartment without telling Rosemary what you knew — you knew what those witches could do! — but you were out of the coma at least long enough to underline a name, couldn’t you have AT LEAST had an arrow pointing to it?

It’s insane that Rosemary figured it out. Or, could you not have said “HIS name is an anagram”?! I would have been trying to figure out what All Of Them Witches was an anagram of for MINUTES until I gave up. Hutch. Classic Hutch.

Where did Rosemary get all of her clothes and can I have them? This is actually probably my biggest question. No one is using them anymore, right? So can I just have them? Let me know!

I love this movie pretty much unconditionally, so if there are critiques to give you will NOT be hearing them from me. A+ movie. Did you know that the scene where Rosemary walks out into traffic was real and Mia Farrow just walked out into traffic while Roman Polanski followed her with a camera because he said that no one would hit a pregnant woman? It’s true! I think! I read it on the Internet, so who knows, but it sounds like it’s true! Did you know that the scene where Rosemary has the party and her friends lock Guy out of the kitchen was filmed on the day Frank Sinatra served her divorce papers in front of the whole cast and crew, because he didn’t want her to work post-marriage? It’s true also, I think! I’ve heard that one even outside of the Internet! Anyway enough MOVIE HISTORY: Did you watch this movie (again)? Did you love it? Would you love your devil baby even if he had demon eyes? Is God dead? Does Satan live? Do you really believe Roman went to all those places or is he just a bullshitter? Why does Rosemary keep wearing the tannis root even after she finds out about the witch stuff? Tell me, one last time!