Unfortunately, I watched The Canyons this weekend. (I feel free enough to give a bad review, as I have never been on The Simpsons, so I know my negative feelings won’t be taken to heart, which they should not be, because go fuck myself.) Is this what the genre “horror porn” means? Horrible movies that are similar to porn but with a lot more talking, and that make you nervous for a reason you can’t put your finger on, and that honestly maybe could have been good if either the writer or director had been different, and also all of the actors, as they were kind of the reverse of mumblecore-style people acting like boring regular people, and instead were people trying to act like actors who are portraying weird non-humans?! (JK, I know what “horror porn” means.) (Spooky porn!) You know what the movie is about, right? Christian (James Deen) is a trust-fund baby/movie-funder who lives with his girlfriend, Lindsay Lohan, and invites people from online to do it with them a couple times a week. (He is allowed to do it with other people as well, but she is not, because he is controlling.) It’s all goes perfectly until you find out that Lindsay Lohan is doing it with someone, and that someone is Christian’s assistant’s boyfriend who is also cast as the lead in an upcoming film he is funding. UGH. Can’t movies just be about people living their happy trust-fund lives and soliciting Internet sex while controlling their Lindsay Lohan without it all turning to shit anymore?! Everything has to be a sob story these days. I won’t spoil the ending for you because we didn’t do a movie club, so I don’t know if you watched it. (I certainly assume you did, as it is The Canyons, but I have no way of knowing for sure.) I also cannot spoil the ending for you, because 25 minutes before the film ended, my TV (I watched it on VOD) started doing this. Hahah. You win, TV! I trust you! You always have my back. I thought, though, that I would share a collection of the faces I made throughout my screening to give you a better, spoiler-free look into what watching The Canyons is like. (Lindsay Weber’s collection of Lindsay Lohan faces should also give you a pretty good idea.)

“Ready To Start The Movie And Give It A Shot With The Hope That Lindsay Lohan Proves Everyone’s Negative Expectations Wrong” Face

“Opening Credits Set To Shots Of An Abandoned Movie Theater” Face

“Watching Lindsay Lohan In The First Scene” Face

“Watching James Deen In The First Scene” Face(s)

“Lindsay Lohan Disrobes” Face

“First Internet Man Disrobes” Face

“Alternating Faces For The Rest Of The Movie” Faces

“Time Warner Sucks And It’s Absolute Bullshit That This Movie Has Just Stopped Working, I Paid $6 For This Dumb Thing, Damnit, But You Know What, Actually I’m Okay With It, I’m Tired” Face

THE END. Did you watch it? What faces did you make? This one :-/ ?