So many trailers, so little time! Just kidding. I mean, there are a lot of trailers to talk about this week, but there’s also plenty of time to do it. No stress! Seriously, stop freaking out. Take a deep breath. Count to ten. OK, I think you are ready. For TRAILER TIME!!!!

Oldboy

I remember being vaguely unimpressed with the original Oldboy for some reason. I don’t remember why! I actually put it in my Netflix Instant queue to watch again because everything about it seems pretty appealing. That being said, I still don’t think we need an American adaptation of it. Just watch the original one on Netflix? And what is Spike Lee, a supposed “auteur” director born of the ’90s independent film boom that prided itself on originality and new stories, doing Americanizing foreign films? A shame on you joint. #factsonly

Saving Mr. Banks

Well, that’s too bad. This movie looks perfectly charming and pleasant without a sharp corner to be found. And Tom Hanks is an indelible American institution playing another indelible American institution, revealing an untold story about yet a third indelible American institution: OK! But this trailer literally gives away the entire movie. The title itself is a SPOILER. So forget it. I feel like I know this amazing story now. Thank you, trailer, goodbye.

Sweetwater

Dear 2013,

Are we still doing Quentin Tarantino knock-offs? We are? OK, just checking!

XOXOX
Kelly.

Out Of The Furnace

This looks perfect. No joke, I cannot wait to see this. Next trailer, please.

The Lifeguard

Fair enough. I do think we’re going to need to revisit the aimless adult movie trope, not because I think it’s tired, although maybe it is a little tired, but there is still plenty of “fun” to have in that “space.” But at this point, I just don’t actually believe everyone would be SO SURPRISED that a 30-year-old needed more time to figure out their lives. Who DOESN’T need more time to figure out their lives?

Lovelace

Guys, I’m going to say a pretty controversial thing: I don’t really care about movies about the pornography industry! Please don’t stone me to death! I feel like if you’re excited to watch a movie about the porn industry then you should check out actual porn. You’re going to love it!

Austenland

Whoa. Wait. WHAT?! What on Earth?! Ahhhh hahaha. This looks kind of great, like if someone decided to write a romantic comedy based on a parody Twitter account of George Saunders. My apologies if that is an offense to George Saunders.

Delivery Man

God damn it. I like Chris Pratt so much, and I actually like Vince Vaughn a lot too, which, get that “actually” out of there, I just do, OK, I don’t need to qualify it, America loves him, it’s normal. But I like them both so much that I almost think this movie could be good, but obviously that is not possible. I HATE WHEN TRICKS ARE PLAYED ON MY BRAIN!