I recognize that no one cares about The Lone Ranger movie that is coming out on July 3rd because it is 2013 and who do they think they are kidding? I have not seen people less excited about a movie since 2011’s remake of Conan The Barbarian! While I understand the way in which name recognition is a valuable asset to any feature film struggling to find its place in a dwindling market, or something, I don’t know what half of the words I just wrote mean, but I’m not convinced that it can just be any name. (Also: there was one of those behind-the-scenes preview things for Lone Ranger ahead of Man of Steel last weekend and Gore Verbinski said it was very exciting because he was creating something “completely new,” which suggests to me that he is confused about what both “completely” and “new” mean.) So, you have this massive budget throwback western based off of a RADIO series from the 1930s starring “the guy from The Social Network.” Good luck! I mean it. Good luck. I wish everyone the best of luck in this world, because we are all going to need it. But can we talk about this Johnny Depp as Tonto thing? Again? I know that Armie Hammer set us all at ease when he said it was not a problem, but the more I keep seeing the trailer and now the cover of Rolling Stone magazine, the more I am thinking that actually, Armie, it is for sure still a problem. LIKE. FOR REAL THOUGH? If you thought rebooting the Lone Ranger in these modern times was a weirdly antiquated idea, get a load of this STRAIGHT-UP “RED FACE” RACIST BULLSHIT! We are just going to sit around and let them get away with this? Are we for real? Johnny Depp is a good actor and I am sure he likes a challenge, but dude, TURN OFF THE POOL HEATER ONE DAY A WEEK SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS PROJECT. And shame on you, too, Rolling Stone. You put this on the cover of your magazine? There are almost 7 billion people on Earth and you couldn’t find a single ONE who wasn’t a racist caricature? There’s got to be ONE out there.

Do you know how hard it is, how much money and how may people and the many layers of beaurocracy one must successfully pass through in order to get any movie, much less a movie of this size, made? And at no point in that entire process did anyone suggest that perhaps, and bear with him or her on this because he or she recognizes that this is a crazy thought, but just perhaps in this day and age we DON’T dress up a white person as a non-white person because of the whole legacy of violent atrocities and institutionalized bigotry in this country? No? Just extra butter on the popcorn, huh? Extra butter on the popcorn, please, I am so excited to sit back and escape into this retrograde racist garbage nightmare wonderful world of imagination!