Oh, if only all men could experience varying amounts of pain when it became time to celebrate the women they love. Instead of flowers for Valentine’s Day, why not light some candles and allow your one and only to pluck out stray hairs around your eyebrows and then also some stray hairs down below? Instead of a nice dinner on your lover’s birthday, why not whisper in her ear, “Remember when you were up all night experience menstrual cramps earlier this month?”, gesture to the machine pulsating around your waist and continue, “Now I almost know how you felt. Happy Birthday, my love.” Instead of breakfast in bed on Mother’s Day, why not have some doctor hook you up to some electrodes that allow you to feel simulated contractions at different stages of labor, while the mothers of your children watch while sipping Starbucks, in order to film it for a kind of weird, viral-bait Internet video and also for the simple enjoyment the women — both in and out of the video — get after you explain in your introduction that you think women must be lying about how painful birth is, which I do have to assume you must’ve just thrown in — sacrificing yourself — in order to make the pain you did feel seem that much more painful? (Still with me?)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. WHY DID YOU MAKE THIS VIDEO? VIRAL FAME NEEDN’T COME AT SUCH AN ODD COST! JUST GO HOME AND HUG YOUR WIVES, GET OUT OF MY FACE WITH YOUR PAINFUL YELLING! (Thanks for the tip, Werttrew!)