Thank you for choosing the Baby’s Guide to Water Skiing™ as your choice in either teaching your baby how to water ski, or learning how to water ski yourself (if you are a baby). Seeing as how you’ve chosen the best guide on the market, I can already tell you’re great at making decisions that lead directly to the welfare of you baby or yourself (if you are a baby)! Ha-ha, no, but seriously, we have a lot of important things to get through before getting your baby or yourself (if you are a baby) out there on the water, so let’s get started! First off, do you, or does your baby, know how to swim? If you voiced a response please be aware that I cannot hear it, as you are listening to a tape, and will have to move on under the impression that the answer was “yes.” Fantastic! Have your — or your baby’s — fontanelles closed? Again, I cannot hear you but imagine your response is most likely “only the sphenoidal and posterior fontanelles have closed,” and I imagine that you are alarmed at the question. Well, don’t worry! It doesn’t even matter if your baby’s whole body is built out of a soft spot, because do you have a tiny lifejacket? THEN THROW THAT THING ON SOME SKIS AND LET’S GET MOVING!

BAAAABBBYYYYY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The baby’s mom did leave a note on YouTube, explaining: “Please note: he is not actually behind a boat he is just being pulled along the shoreline.” So whatever. CALL ME WHEN YOUR BABY DOES SOMETHING IMPRESSIVE AND VERY DANGEROUS THAT MAKES ME SUPER NERVOUS, NOT THAT I HAVE ANY RIGHT TO JUDGE, EXCEPT, WELL, NO, I DO, I DO FEEL LIKE I CAN JUDGE AND I THINK YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR BABY OFF THE WATER SKIS! EVEN THOUGH IT IS VERY CUTE! I WILL ADMIT THAT IT IS VERY CUTE! CALL ME THEN! (Via Hypervocal.)