One time I took a martial arts class–WHATEVER, you went to a pimps and hoes party in college and you don’t see me teasing you about THAT–and the teacher or sensei or whatever was talking about self-defense and he asked “what do you do if you go to unlock your car door and someone grabs your ankles from underneath the car.” Just to clarify: I double-checked that sentence to make sure I typed it correctly, and I did. The scenario he was proposing was that someone has crawled underneath your car chassis and laying in wait for you to come back from Mongolian Barbecue and then BOOM, he grabs your ankles. POP QUIZ HOT SHOT! (The answer after the jump!) But, like, as if the world wasn’t scary enough already, now I have to worry about a whole new make believe thing that has never happened anywhere ever?! It’s too much. Just why even bother leaving the house? You’re just going to get bopped in the head by an Acme safe or get caught in quicksand or have someone grab your ankles from UNDERNEATH YOUR CAR or even worse than all of those things combined: get locked out of your hotel room without any clothes on:

Think about it: you could go on vacation, or travel for work as you try to climb the corporate ladder OR you could just stay home all of the time for the rest of your life. The choice is yours. Don’t blow it. Oh, also, according to sensei, if someone grabs your ankles from underneath your car you should just lift your feet straight up (ONE AT AT TIME THOUGH LOL!) and break their wrists against the car. I’m sure this is a great technique. You are completely safe now. (Via BlameItOnTheVoices.)