People are always getting down on Justin Bieber for wearing vintage rock T-shirts because, it is assumed, Justin Bieber doesn’t actually like Nirvana or Metallica or Iron Maiden or Marilyn Manson. This, of course, is a pretty bizarre leap in logic: Justin Bieber is a white kid from Ontario who plays hockey and rides quad bikes and goes drag racing when he’s wasted. I promise you, he listens to Nirvana, Metallica, Iron Maiden, and Marilyn Manson. And even if he didn’t, who cares? I for one appreciate this young man bringing some respectability to the oft-derided wardrobe favored by Gen-X music bloggers. But here is what I do not appreciate:

THAT IS AN OFFICIALLY LICENSED SMITHS THE QUEEN IS DEAD SHIRT FROM 1986. Look, I don’t actually care if Bieber likes the Smiths, because, I mean, who the fuck doesn’t like the Smiths? They were the best band of all time. Not liking the Smiths would be like not liking water. Of course he likes the Smiths, come on. I’m not questioning his authenticity, I’m just aggravated because I want that shirt! So real quick open letter to the shirt-owner himself here: Justin Bieber, when you get around to reading this, I implore you: Give me that T-shirt! You’ve worn it once, you’ve been photographed in it, and you can never wear it again. Hook me up! I will PayPal you the money.

The truly savage irony here is that Justin Bieber probably knows more about the Smiths than Morrissey knew about Bieb-appropriate streetwear brand Supreme when Moz did that ‘preme partnership T-shirt last year. And that truly savage irony is made even more crushing when you consider the fact that Bieb-age hypebeasts had no earthly idea who Morrissey was when they waited in line overnight to buy that very Supreme shirt — featuring a picture of Morrissey wearing a Supreme shirt — which they swiftly resold on eBay, for a substantial profit, to a bunch of Gen-X music bloggers. And you know who appreciates some truly crushing, savage irony.

So, friends, while we’re waiting for Biebs to get back to me on the generous offer made to him a couple paragraphs ago, let’s speculate: What is Justin Bieber’s favorite Smiths song? I’m gonna say it’s “There Is A Light That Never Goes Out.” Why? Because he’s a fuckin’ basic, of course! Haha. And also because that is the most beautiful song ever written. What do you think?