The New Jersey indie rock band Forth Wanderers released their self-titled Sub Pop debut last year and were gearing up to embark on a national tour before announcing that all dates would be cancelled. The band’s vocalist, Ava Trilling, shared a statement explaining that she was diagnosed with a mental health issue and needed to take some time off. “Please know that I do not make these decisions lightly and ultimately need to put my own mental health first at the end of the day,” she wrote.

Today, Noisey published an essay Trilling wrote about the months leading up to her decision to call off the Forth Wanderers tour. In the piece, Trilling reveals that she was diagnosed with Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, and OCD and underwent an intensive cognitive behavioral/exposure therapy program. “Over the course of these events, I debated whether or not to write some kind of public account of what my experience has been dealing with mental issues while in a DIY band,” she writes. “I hope that this piece will help others who are in similar situations, and struggle with mental health issues feel a little less alone.”

The essay discusses the ways in which touring can negatively influence a performer’s mental health, particularly when they suffer from anxiety. “Every time I would tell people about the tour I was told how great an opportunity it was. This was encouraging, but I couldn’t help but feel guilty—this great opportunity only brought me dread,” Trilling writes. She also addresses the way her mental health impacted her life in Brooklyn: “I was limiting myself to hanging around my familiar area of Brooklyn, having constant panic attacks on subways, Ubers, unfamiliar places, restaurants with friends; always feeling trapped, even in wide open spaces, or places I could simply leave. I became known as the Irish-exiter.”

After undergoing treatment ahead of the summer tour, Trilling made the decision to cancel, knowing that she needed to take care of herself:

It soon became evident to me I would not be in the right mental state to go on a cross-country tour. I struggled with this dilemma every day. Should I call it off? Or should I just get over it? I learned quickly that there was no “just getting over it.” A few days before the tour, I called it off, explaining the situation as best as I could. It was not only one of the hardest decisions of my life, but it resulted in a lack of relief, satisfaction, and identity. From this, I learned that you can’t expect everyone to sympathize, understand, or care what you’re going through. Everyone has their own shit they’re battling. The truth was, I had let down a lot of people: my band, everyone who worked hard to schedule this tour, and our fans.

Read the full essay here.