I once got rejected as a blood donor for being too positive.

It wasn’t a phrase of speech in this case, Scott literally fucks that song on a regular basis

2013 begins with Joe Howse having the #1 comment of the first Shut Up, Dude this year.

That is clearly a good omen.

“Queen: Greatest Hits” is my favorite Queen album

Before everyone gets too snarky, imagine yourself as a young teenager once again. It’d be pretty cool to find yourself listening to Willow and falling into the Radiohead rabbit hole because of it.

Guys, I haven’t listened to the album. I probably will, at some point. But there’s something I really need to get off my chest and this just felt like this is the place to do it.

I am really offended by the Charmin toilet paper slogan “Enjoy the go.” This video explains what they mean:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=028cCeHunNc

Basically they say that coffee and spicy food gives you diarrhea. Obvs – this is a given. We all know this. But to say that soft toilet paper will help us to “enjoy the go” when you’re having explosive diarrhea is just a flat out misleading, disgusting, and downright DEROGATORY lie. And I’m sick of it. Sick of this.

Let’s get real for a minute here: when we’ve had 1 million cups of coffee or some curry or something, downtown gets burned. it’s just the natural reaction of the poo coming out too soon – it doesn’t have time to cool in the colon (is this true?). The last thing I want to do is put some rough paper on my 3rd degree bum burns (B-burns). What do we really want? The cool touch of some an angel’s moisturizing cloth.

Let’s get even realer about this: why are we using dry paper at all? The toilet paper game has seen the least innovation of any product since toothpicks. What’s happened since we made the jump from corncobs in the outhouse to paper? “Cashmere”? “Give me a break” (John Stossel). At the end of the day, it’s paper. What are we? Animals?

“Oh no I pooped on the floor!” “That’s okay – here’s some loose leaf for it” – Analogy

It’s time for change. We need innovation in order to push forward into the next century of hygiene and toward a better, cleaner tomorrow. When i’ve got a real train wreck of a “backdoor situash,” it takes me a rainforest to clean it up and get all the pieces. It takes a rainforest. Then there’s b-burns. Why not use a wipe with some moisture to clean it up quick? Lickity split. No shit.

Thanks,
D “Concerned Consumer” Tatas

Yes, I am just as sick of “Call Me Maybe” references as the average person, but it felt wrong to not share this.

I hate the internet.

Even fake Coachella announcements have given up on The Smiths reunion.