The tale of the regifted glass dildo turned some heads a few weeks ago when it was reported that Kid Rock was asked to procure said dildo to use as evidence in a sexual harassment lawsuit against former Insane Clown Posse and Psychopathic Records employee “Dirty Dan” Diamond. Kid Rock has now released two letters on his website that he says were sent to lawyers on both sides. His statement starts definitively enough, in all caps: “All parties involved in this ICP glass dildo case can shove one up their ass.” He goes on to say that he’s never met any of the people involved and that he has never been in possession of the alleged glass dildo. He also personally attacks both lawyers, calling one side “douchebags” and “a blight on our planet” and the other “the worst kind of scum.” Read his letters below — they’re truly an entertaining read.

To the lawyers representing Andrea Pellegrini, who filed the suit and claimed that Kid Rock was gifted the dildo:

Dear Jim Rasor and Jon Marko,

I’m told that you have issued a subpoena for a “glass dildo” that was supposedly given to me. No idea what you’re talking about, and I definitely don’t have it. I’ve never heard of, seen, or met any people involved in this case. But I’m pretty sure you already know that. What I do know is that you’ve been dragging my name around in the media to gain attention for your sad ass excuse for a law firm. I don’t care what you do when you finally catch up to the ambulances you chase, but I do care when you bring my name into it for no reason at all.

Let me ask you this. Say in a lawsuit that another crappy firm was handling, your names were brought up for no reason. You wake up one morning, excited for a new day of exploiting the legal system and people dumb enough to look at your website (nice pictures btw, did you study how to look like douchebags in college?), and when you open the newspaper there’s a report from someone you’ve never heard of talking about how Jon Marko and Jim Rasor got caught molesting animals at a petting zoo while high on bath salts. Now imagine you weren’t the scumbags you are, but a citizen who has raised millions of dollars for his hometown, spent hours helping to promote the arts, had helped wounded veterans returning from combat. Say you were people who aren’t a blight on our planet — wouldn’t you be pissed off that your name, for days on end, was being mentioned in the press when EVERYONE involved knew you weren’t involved in any way? Welcome to my side of this story.

-Kid Rock

To the lawyers representing “Dirty Dan” Diamond:

Dear Brian E. Koncius,

I’m told that your client has testified under oath in a deposition that he presented a former employee of Psychopathic Records with a glass dildo, who then allegedly gave the dildo to me? There are only two possible explanations for what your client said: either he is an absolute pathological liar, who for some insane reason decided to make up a bullshit story using my name or 2: he thinks he’s a comedian and was trying to be funny. If he was joking then he’s just an asshole who isn’t funny. But if it was not 100% clear that he was attempting to make a joke, then he just lied under oath because I’ve never met your client, and if I had met your client I’d certainly remember if he tried to give me a glass fucking dildo. Even if it was the “Rasor Law Firm” that sent a press release to the press, you have done nothing to clear up this blatant lie which makes you to blame too. It is obvious that all you assholes are using my name and notoriety to garner publicity for yourselves, which makes you the worst kind of scum. You’re the types of lawyers that make America a worse place for everyone.

I live in Detroit because I can stay out of the fray here and live my life the way I chose to. If I wanted to deal with this shit I’d move to LA, and if I want press, I can get it — trust me. No matter why your client said what he did, it’s clear that you, your client, and the Rasor Law Firm have gone out of your way to help get this story told. How would you feel if one day your name appeared across the internet connected to a story you knew absolutely nothing about. One day you come downstairs to the angry glare of your wife who asks if you really were arrested over the weekend for driving high on crystal meth with a bound and gagged hooker in your trunk. Did you? Because it’s all over the internet, some lawyer you’ve never met put it out in a press release! Must be true right? I’m guessing you probably wouldn’t like that, and would at least appreciate it if the guy who made it up admitted that you never did those things.

Your website says you represent people who are “interested in doing the right thing.” I don’t believe that, but prove me wrong.
-Kid Rock

Kid Rock plays the Minnesota State Fair on 8/23.