[Originally posted on March 21st, 2012.]

Ring ding dong, ring a ding ding ding dong, keep your heads Red Bull!

What’s up, young women who were barely even bothered by the Rush Limbaugh dustup with Sandra Fluke because they recognized it for the desperate and panicked last gasps of a fading patriarchy that it was, and young men who similarly don’t mind that I addressed the young women first because they were confident they would be addressed eventually and we are all equals now in this new world, or at least we should be? Wassssuuuuuuup?! Today I want to rap at you about the NEW THREE SECOND TEASER TRAILER FOR TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART 2. Sew your heads back on, but don’t be nervous if they fall right back off. That’s normal. Your body is going through a lot of changes. iPad 3.

You’re about to be the koolest kid on your kblock because fter the jump we’ve got the brand new trailer. YOU SAW IT HERE FIRST. (“But Gabe, there’s 2.9 million views on this trailer already, surely we didn’t see it first?” DON’T TALK BACK. YOU WANT SOME MORE DETENTION, MR. BENDER?) Pad your butts with Dorito’s brand Butt Pads. Here we go:

GAHHHHHHH! AT FIRST WEREN’T YOU SO WORRIED THAT THE CHARACTERS MIGHT LOOK DIFFERENT THIS TIME EVEN THOUGH THEY’VE NEVER REALLY LOOKED DIFFERENT, ALTHOUGH ACTUALLY I GUESS TEAM JACOB LOOKED PRETTY DIFFERENT IN THE FIRST MOVIE BEFORE THEY WERE LIKE GET RID OF THIS NERD THE GIRLS HATE HIM AND THE NERD WAS LIKE HOLD ON LET ME JUST EAT 100 POUNDS OF SKINLESS STEAMED CHICKEN AND THEY WERE LIKE ALSO YOUR HAIR BRO AND HE WAS LIKE ON IT? BUT THEY DON’T LOOK DIFFERENT! I MEAN, I GUESS TEAM JACOB HAS A NEW SHIRT ON THAT IS MADE OUT OF PANTYHOSE, BUT OTHERWISE IT’S ALL OUR OLD FRIENDS AND EVEN THE MOUNTAINS LOOK THE SAME STILL AND NOW TEAM BELLA IS RUNNING SO FAST THROUGH THE WOODS AND I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HOW FAST SHE RUNS. IS THE MOVIE ABOUT A RACE? I CAN’T WAIT! I HOPE TEAM BELLA WINS FOR HER CHARITY! VAMPIRES! NO PARENTS! BE COOL STAY IN SCHOOL! YOU MIGHT MEET THE VAMPIRE OF YOUR DREAMS IN THE CAFETERIA!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[Originally posted on March 21st, 2012.]