[Originally posted on January 13th, 2011.]

Look, at the end of the day it’s OK that Gwyneth Paltrow hires a bunch of college freshmen to write a lifestyle newsletter under her name about platinum mid-century bathroom fixtures. It’s not actually HURTING anyone. But does she have to be SUCH. A FUCKING. LIAR about it? The new “issue” of Goop is up in which Gwyneth provides useful tips to WORKING MOTHERS like HERSELF. Oh good GOD. NO. FUCKING. WAY. NO. NOPE. She is fucking with us now, right? That is almost comically offensive! I’m pretty sure the publication of this issue of Goop is what happens just before the beginning of Children of Men. “People just stopped having babies. We don’t know why.” Yes we do. BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO BUSY BARFING. She begins:

One of our readers emailed GOOP about “finding a good balance between having a career and being a mom,” which got me thinking about the other extremely busy working mothers I know and what their days might be like. I asked Juliet de Baubigny, a venture capitalist I met (it’s no wonder this woman is so freakin’ successful—spreadsheets for family packing … wow!), and fashion designer Stella McCartney to send in a day in their lives to see how they do the mothers’ special—everything all at once. I learned a lot and got some good tips from these ladies. And, because some of you have asked what one of my days looks like, I’ve included a random one of my more manic days from last November.

Right. Perfect. She asked TWO OTHER MILLIONAIRES to provide advice in addition to her advice as a MULTI-MILLIONAIRE WHO LIVES IN A CASTLE IN ENGLAND. You know, just useful tips for the workin’ mom. (I also love that she picked a day from last November. From the vault!) Now let us talk about this fucking day:

Oh, let’s just note right off the bat, she is so busy “WORKING” and “CARING FOR HER CHILDREN” that she has no time for PUNCTUATION. So busy! So full of shit! OK, let’s do this.

Gwyneth’s day on November 4th, 2010:

When I got downstairs this morning at the crack of whenever [Ed. note: right], the coffee machine said “ERROR 8” and wouldn’t let me make the cup I had been dreaming about [Ed. note: First of all, LIAR, you were not dreaming about a cup of coffee so shut up. Second of all, your coffee machine is clearly just your typical working mom’s SUPERCOMPUTER coffee machine]. This begs the question: is it odd to dream yourself to sleep thinking about the next morning’s coffee? Not a good beginning. [Ed. note: Yeah. You know who else had a rough beginning? The servant who died in their panicked rush to find you coffee, because that definitely also happened.] Got Apple [Ed. note: Apple] all fed and dressed in her uniform [Ed. note: RIGHT.] and ready to go but no sign nor sight of Moses [Ed. note: Moses] at 8 am and we have to be out of the house by 8:20. I went up to arouse the little man from slumber [Ed. note: “arouse the little man from slumber”? Add this to your long to-do list, Gwyneth: Fire your ghostwriters. Get new ghostwriters] and he quite happily got up and crawled into my arms [Ed. note: ugh]. We got downstairs and I made him a quick breakfast of eggs and toast followed by a spoonful of lemon flavored flax oil that I try to remember to give them both every morning [Ed. note: right]. Getting everyone into the car [Ed. note: Haha. “The car”] on time was a challenge; we’re going through a phase where no one seems to be responding to me (“Time to put on your shoes” … No response.) It is the school Christmas toy drive deadline today so before jumping into the car, we pack up and finish decorating the shoe boxes with toys, toothbrushes, hats, scarves, books, etc, for the school Christmas toy drive [Ed. note: You know that not one of the things you mentioned is a “toy” right?]. Once the kids really understand that the toys go to children around the world who will not be as fortunate as they are this year, they very sweetly take trips to the playroom adding their own toys and books to the boxes. Somehow managed to get to school just as the old-fashioned bell [Ed. note: ???????] rang. Moses was a bit teary today so I hung around and watched him through the window. Periodically he would check to make sure I was still there. When all was well I dodged off [Ed. note: Not a thing that people say] as fast as possible but was still late to the 9 am workout. [Ed. note: So, just to clarify, after your hectic morning of flax seed oil and uniforms, you were almost late to…THE GYM. Got it.] Did dance aerobics for 45 minutes then all of the butt lifts and the like [Ed. note: “All of the Butt Lifts and the Like: The Gwyneth Paltrow Story”]. Rushed upstairs to have a shower, doing my post workout stretch while the conditioner was doing its magic on my hair to combine activities/save time. Dressed quickly and rushed downstairs. On a less manic day [Ed. note: You have no idea what “manic day” means, but go on], this would be my couple of hours in the office to work on GOOP [Ed. note: right], come up with ideas, write/edit [Ed. note: “write/edit”] and go over scheduling, travel, whatever else I have going but I have no time so I just pop the old cabeza in [Ed. note: UH, WHAT?] to see if there are any deadlines or fires that need putting out [Ed. note: Let me guess, there were no fires that needed putting out? Because there are never any fires that need putting out?]. When I am given the all clear [Ed. note: By whom? Your boss? You don’t have a boss. Who do you think you are talking about?] I rush out the door, headed to rehearse with a band to prepare for the Country Music Awards which are just a week away. I’ve never performed live before so I’m preparing for this as if it were the Superbowl, which, in it’s own way, it is. [Ed. note: No, it is not. Not in its own way or in any other way.] I’ve been having voice lessons with my teacher, Carrie Grant, every day and rehearsing with an amazing London-based band. [Ed. note: This too shall pass!] This will be my fourth and shortest rehearsal of the week, as the day is so full, but I am excited to get in there and see everyone. Had to do my vocal exercises/warmups in the car, sooo not a good look. Fellow drivers looked on a bit bewildered. [Ed. note: A) This sounds like a lie, but B) I’m sure if it is true the drivers were just bewildered to see a working mom such as yourself looking so frazzled from SUCH a busy morning. Not, you know, because they are looking at a movie star being driven around in a chauffeured Bentley or whatever the fuck.] Rehearsed with the band from 11:30 to 12:30 and then scooted back out to the car and had kind of a big interview on the phone while trying to subtly check/reply to well-overdue email [Ed. note: #humblebrag]. Got home and had a fitting with super stylist Elizabeth Saltzman for the upcoming Nashville trip (what to wear, what to wear?) from 1-2. This is my 4th out of 5 fittings for this trip. We tried on a myriad of dresses and outfits, and I had b.o. by the end of it from wrestling with all of those dresses [Ed. note: #humblebrag]. I have six looks I need to choose for the trip; there’s the radio press conference upon arrival, the red carpet for the Country Strong premier, press interviews, a Sony Music VIP dinner, the red carpet for the CMA’s and the outfit for my performance! [Ed. note: “You know, WORKING MOM STUFF! Where do WE find the time?!] We manage to finalize all of the looks for the (very nerve wracking) trip. At 2 pm I head into my office with a nice cup of tea [Ed. note: Right] for two hours of phone interviews. I am doing lots of these this week, but today’s session is only two hours. [Ed. note: Guess this ISN’T that hectic of a day, then!] I call country radio station after country radio station speaking to some of the nicest and friendliest DJ’s on the planet [Ed. note: Relax]. Thursday is the one day of the week that I do not pick my kids up after school [Ed. note: Sure]. They go straight to an activity [Ed. note: Hunting ex-cons on our private game preserve] and I am able to really maximize work stuff . I always feel a bit guilty (obviously) about it [Ed. note: (obviously)], but it means I can focus fully on them when they get home instead of trying to do two things at once [Ed. note: Two things at the same time like what? Raising your kids while also not having a real job?]. At 4pm, my weekly owners’ and managers’ call takes place for the Tracy Anderson Method with our brilliant CEO Stephanie Stahl taking the lead. I basically listen and try to learn. Kiddies burst through the door and play in my office while I finish up, just drawing and hanging out and of course playing Plants vs Zombies on the iPad [Ed. note: “My two infant children have iPads. “Obviously.”], their obsession that I have to limit like crazy! What up, gamers. [Ed. note: WHAT UP, GAMERS.] Then downstairs to make cupcakes for tomorrow’s bake sale. It is ‘Bonfire night’ in the UK tomorrow and the bake sale is to celebrate and to raise money for charity [Ed. note: Someone has to think of the non-famous]. We decide on vanilla cupcakes with pink icing and green icing (from Tate’s Bakeshop cookbook with the icing from American Desserts cookbook) [Ed. note: Name-dropper]. At 6:30 pm we all get in the bath [Ed. note: Yikes! Stephanie Seymour 2.0] and it’s hair washing night for the kids (every other night—never popular). Then back downstairs to check on cupcakes and have a visit from an auntie and uncle. The kids indulge in a super sugary cupcake before bed but I don’t feel too bad because they had a brown rice stir fry for dinner with baked sweet potato on the side. It’s all about balance! [Ed. note: Your kids definitely aren’t going to be a mess when they grow up, it’s just not possible!] My night to lay with Mosey so I tuck Apple in, say a prayer and go into Mosey’s room for a story, foot massage and quiet time. As soon as all was quiet, I rushed downstairs to grab a blazer and some blush and flung myself in the car for girls night. [Ed. note: Yup! EVERY night is girls night when you’re a busy working mom!] Lovely dinner and great conversation. 11:29 pm now, exhausted and ready to do it all again tomorrow!

So, just to recap: she went to the gym, tried on a dress, did a radio interview, and made cupcakes, all before going out to dinner with friends. AMERICANBRITISH HERO! How DOES she do it? Oh, here’s how:

Gwyneth’s time saving tips:

Schedule your time well. When I know what I am doing from hour to hour I get more done. Write it all in the day’s calendar, what you want to accomplish and in what time frame. [Ed. note: If you find that one personal assistant isn’t enough, try two or even three personal assistants!]

Focus on the task at hand. Be thorough. [Ed. note: Whether this is going to the gym, or coming home from the gym.]

I cook a lot, especially on the weekends, so I like to plan a rough menu for the whole weekend and get the food in on Friday. Obviously stores and websites that deliver make this a dream. In London I use Ocado. Also James Knight, my favorite fishmonger, will deliver. Having all of the ingredients means I’m prepared even when I don’t think I am. [Ed. note: You should become a famous movie star, marry a famous rock star, move to London, and shop at Ocado and my fishmonger, James Knight! It saves you a TON of money on food.]

I always lay the kids uniforms and school things out the night before once they are asleep. When it’s quiet I can check the “kid list” for show and tell items to bring in, consent forms, ballet kit, etc, so that the morning is less of a scramble. [Ed. note: Another option is to have someone on your castle staff take care of this, but just make sure someone does it, otherwise you’ll be 10 minutes late to brunch.]

The school run is a great time to return calls (in whichever direction that the kids are not in the car) so don’t forget your hands-free device. [Ed. note: If you tell your driver to take the scenic route, it will buy you some extra time to call your agent!]

Un. Fucking. Believable. Every time I think that Gwyneth Paltrow can’t out-asshole herself, she surprises me. I can only imagine what GWONDERS 2011 has in store!

[Originally posted on January 13th, 2011.]