If someone brings up something that they read in the New Yorker say, “Oh, did you see that piece on Jon Gosselin?” “No, I didn’t,” they’ll say, “…the New Yorker did a piece on Jon Gosselin? Was it just online, or…?” And then you say, “No, it wasn’t in the New Yorker. Anyway, he got a vasectomy.”
If you are at a party and you’re introduced to a friend of a friend, mention right away that you spend a lot of time browsing the Internet. They’ll say something like yeah me too, or whatever, and then you say, “Did you see the vasectomy thing?” If they don’t know what you’re talking about say, “Oh I guess we must be spending time on two DIFFERENT Internets, hah. Jon Gosselin got a vasectomy.”
While watching TV with a friend say, “Remember that show Jon & Kate Plus Eight?” He or she will say, “Yes.” Then you say, “Man, don’t you wish that guy would just get a vasectomy already?” He or she will say, “Ha-ha. Yeah, right?” You say, “He did get one.”
If your hairdresser asks you if you’ve done anything fun lately say, “I got a vasectomy.” After they respond say, “I mean Jon Gosselin got one.”
If someone mentions something that you don’t know enough about to hold a conversation say,”Oh my god, that reminds me — ah, actually, nevermind.” They’ll say, “What?” You’ll say, “No, nevermind. I just read something about this guy– ahhh, actually, yeah, just– nevermind.” They’ll say, “No, come on, what is it?” You say, “For real, don’t worry about it. Maybe I’ll send you something about it later.” Don’t tell them what it was, but the guy was Jon Gosselin and the thing was that he got a vasectomy.
