KEEP YOUR HEART RATE STEADY. I HEARD FROM A FRIEND THAT XBOX ONE CAN DETECT WHEN YOUR HEART RATE RISES IN ORDER TO DETERMINE WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT ADVERTISEMENTS YOU LIKE, WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A LIE OR A PRANK THAT THE FRIEND MUST HAVE SEEN ON THE INTERNET, BUT IN THE CASE THAT IT IS TRUE, YOU DO NOT WANT THE TECHNOLOGY THAT SURROUNDS YOU TO GET THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU ARE FRIGHTENED OR PERCEIVE YOURSELF TO BE IN A VULNERABLE STATE. TAKE A DEEP BREATH. LOOK UP FROM THE COMPUTER, FOCUS ON SOMETHING IN THE ROOM, ACT AS IF YOU ARE THINKING OF SOMETHING NICE, AND SMILE TO YOURSELF. YES. YOU ARE DOING IT. YOU ARE FINE. NOW LISTEN: THE SOURCE OF HUMANITY’S DOOM HAS BEEN DEVELOPED BY A WELL-MEANING YET INCREDIBLY SHORT-SIGHTED MAN. I DON’T KNOW HOW OLD HE IS. HIS VOICE SOUNDS SORT OF YOUNG– ANYWAY, IT DOESN’T MATTER, PLEASE STAY FOCUSED. WHAT WE HAVE TO FOCUS ON AT THIS POINT IS SURVIVAL. NOT ALL OF US WILL MAKE IT. SOME OF US MUST. WE HAVE TO FIGHT. HUMANS HAVE TO SURVIVE.

OH OOPS. IT’S JUST A MACHINE THAT’S USED TO MAKE DIFFERENT KINDS OF CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES SO THIS ONE GUY CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT RECIPE HE LIKES BEST. KIND OF REMINDS ME OF THAT FRIENDS EPISODE WHERE MONICA MADE ALL THOSE COOKIES BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE THE MOM WITH THE BEST COOKIES, AND THEN PHOEBE– I WON’T EXPLAIN IT, I’M SURE YOU REMEMBER. NESTLE TOLLHOUSE? ANYWAY, SORRY, HAVE A NICE DAY! (Thanks for the tip, Max!)