[Ed. Note: Sarah Ramos is an actress, director, and writer. Fox’s new series MasterChef Junior combines her (I assume) love of children, chefs, and cooking competitions in which children pretend to be adult chefs, so she will be taking us through the season!]

Wowowow! I can’t believe we’re here — part one of the two-part MasterChef Junior finale. I like how with this show, they don’t really care if anyone knows what’s going on, or bother with exposition or clarity. They’re just like “two-part finale!” with no warning, then pray to soufflé and egg gods that it will work out, call little girls gorgeous, wear vests as grown men, give away $100,000, and bring live chickens and a chicken coop big enough to house a homeless person into the studio for a laugh! They really did bring in chickens and a chicken coop this episode, N’ tha kids were laffin’ because they thought they were gonna have 2 kill a chicken!

But really, they just had to make a soft-boiled egg. [Ed. Note: Kid Nation: 1, MasterChef Junior: 0.] The chicken coop was just an expensive, fun, necessary joke. Loved it. The kids were planning to concoct “a firm egg white with a wonderful burst of yolk” (Ramsay’s words), but then they found out they didn’t have a timer! How were they going to know when the egg was done?! I don’t know. Everything was topsy turvy, upsy daisy, and everyone was acting crazy. As Graham said, “this could be a $100,000 egg.” Graham was back from his vacation and didn’t acknowledge that he was ever gone, and instead was just raring to go. That’s so Graham.

Well, everyone fucked up the eggs, but Troy fucked his up the least, so Troy “won.” Troy then got to decide which chicken parts everyone cooked in the next challenge. He chose the thigh for himself, the breast for Hawaiian Jack, the wing for Dara, and THE LIVER for Alexander! Troy wanted to get Alexander out because in Troy’s reality, Troy was saved from elimination because of his talent and not because he was an awful reality show mini-monster who riled up audiences. Troy’s ploy almost worked because Alexander had never cooked with or tasted liver before.

It was getting super tribal and primitive in this episode. There was dramatic music playing constantly, and people were so amped up they were just saying nonsense. Troy said, “Every possible challenge is far beyond imagination,” (huh?) Alexander said, “I’m just trying to count in my head,” (yikes!) Dara’s bow fell onto her face, Jack meditated, Ramsay waited until there were only twenty seconds left in the challenge to say, “Ask yourself, if that good enough to get me into the finale?’” It’s just a very, berry, heavy bertation. It was a derrison and the pressure was getting to everyone. Except for Joe!

So, Troy got judged first. His pan-fried chicken thigh and spaghetti squash was “vibrant” looking but his chicken was actually RAW inside so no one could taste it because they would have gotten sick and maybe died. Troy cried, but we DGAF. As James Franco says, “While seeking revenge, dig two graves – one for yourself.” Graham and Joe agreed that Dara’s soy-ginger-glazed wings were gorgeous, crunchy, and acidic, and they might’ve been the best dish of the whole show! Alexander’s chicken liver pate over garlic crostini was a big hit even though Alexander didn’t know wtf he was doing, but I guess he still did know what he was doing, because Joe said it was “truly, truly a masterpiece.” Thanks Joe. That’s so Joe! Gordon Ramsay gave Hawaiian Jack the new nicknames “Big Jack,” “Long Island Jack,” and “Young Man,” and Graham said Jack’s Chicken Breast Roulade was “awesome.” Alexander and Dara are moving on to Finale Part Two. Troy and Jack had to go home.

Troy mentioned some jibberish about his “food dream” “not” being “gone.” And Jack?

Well, Jack was Jack. An angel. A dream. A comedian. A chef. A style maven. A talent. Goodbye Hawaiian Jack. Sha la la la la. Sha la la la la.