From Us Magazine: “Robin’s regrets? As Us Weekly predicted before the big, unforgettable show, Robin Thicke tapped Miley Cyrus to croon “Blurred Lines” onstage with him at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn for the MTV Video Music Awards Sunday, Aug. 26 — but, as the world now knows, the 20-year-old starlet arguably stole the show. ‘Robin thought it would be fun to include Miley, but he didn’t realize how much she would overshadow him. This was his big night and big performance,’ one source tells Us of Thicke, who broke out in a big way this year with ‘Blurred Lines.’ Continued the source: ‘I don’t think he would have done it knowing what it ended up like.'”

It was the morning after the MTV Video Music Awards and Robin Thicke sat in his fluffiest, most comfortable bathrobe at the bottom of his spiral staircase. He had his grumpy face on, so everyone was a little bit afraid to talk to him — that is, everyone except for a close source. He sipped a bit of his tea — chamomile, as if choosing the correct kind of tea still mattered — and shouted, “OW! OWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOW!!!!” The tea was too hot. “Robin, what’s wrong?” asked the source. “MY TEA IS TOO HOT!” shouted Robin. The source could tell that Robin was covering up the true source of his pain, but didn’t want to be too forceful about having him open up.

“Is it about how Miley Cyrus stole the show last night? How she stole what was supposed to be your big night and big performance?” Robin Thicke got up and stomped around the room. His little socked feet didn’t make a lot of noise, but his puffed-up cheeks got his message across well enough. He stomped in concert with his words, “That – was supposed – to be – my – big – night!” He repeated the words over and over until he threw himself onto the ground and splayed his arms and legs. “Aw, Robin,” said the source. “DON’T TALK TO ME! ROBIN’S NOT HERE!” shouted Robin. “Oh yeah? If Robin’s not here…whose feet am I tickling?!” The source tickled Robin’s feet until Robin sat up in a fit of giggles.

“I don’t feel better. You were just tickling me,” he said, after the tickling stopped. Boy, he was sure not feeling good about the VMAs. The source said, “You probably wouldn’t have done this if you knew how it was going to turn out.” Robin repeated the words back to the source in his dummy voice — “Yoooeww praablaby wooeentthh have donee thiiiiiiiiis if yooouueee kneeewwww thblaow it was blaaowing to thhrrblern aaahh-oouuuutt.” Oh boy.

Just then Robin Thicke’s wife walked into the room. “What’s going on, Robin?” she asked. The source said, “Robin thought it would be fun to include Miley, but he didn’t realize how much she would overshadow him. This was his big night and big performance.” Robin’s wife said, “Wait, what? Who are you?” “I’m a close source,” confirmed the source. “Robin, are you really upset about that young girl? Your performance was fine. None of it matters. Who cares. And if we’re going to talk about the performance at all, there are even other things to be talking about.” Robin was hiding behind a couch and pretended he didn’t hear any of it.

“Is any of this real?” asked Robin Thicke’s wife, to no one. The source and Robin had disappeared — in fact, the room had disappeared — in face, his wife had disappeared. We were all alone, speaking of nothing, floating in darkness.

The End