“Hey George Clooney, r u awake? Did u see Under the Dome 2nite? Need 2 chat w/someone about it. This is Jessica Simpson.” “Hey Paul Reubens, can you pick up an onion on your way over? Tom Cruise forgot (right). This is the cast of Parenthood.” “Hey Jennifer Lawrence, i luv ur work, ur gr8, can u plz come 2 my party? u’ll kno ppl. itll be funlet me know, from Bill Gates.” “Hey JLo whatap. Love, Bono.” WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY SAY IN THEIR TEXTS?! Those are just my guesses, they’re not taken from IRL, but we get a peek into some IRL celebrity texting in this month’s issue of Elle UK, from Katy Perry to Kristen Stewart:

“I sent her a text message saying: ‘I know you’ve seen all this stuff but you know I would never disrespect you. I’m not that person. I’m just trying to be a friend to him [Ed Note: Him = Robert Pattinson!!] but it is unfortunate that I do have a set of tits.’”

But what emoji did you use, Katy Perry?! (Just kidding, I’m pretty sure she used this one.) (Or ambulance.) Celebrities, they text the ex-girlfriends of their current friends to assure them they they are not dating each other just like we never would, because it’s awkward! WHAT ELSE DO THEY TEXT THOUGH?! This isn’t a game, I just want to know. cc: @obama (Via Dlisted.)