On Monday of this week, the New York Times published a short profile of Jack Handey, longtime Saturday Night Live writer and creator of “Deep Thoughts,” on their website, even though the print article would not appear until this coming Sunday in the magazine. Did I read it? No! Because I enjoy the Sunday paper and I have good impulse control (this is patently untrue, my impulse control is at dangerously low levels lately, due to Candy Crush and the deliciousness of summer barbecue). So I’ve got THAT to look forward to this weekend. There are at least five mildly enjoyable reading minutes accounted for, and the rest is up in the air. What are you guys up to? Besides the same exact thing because it’s the most normal thing in the world, who wouldn’t wait almost an entire week just to read some two page article about a humorist because we are all creatures of habit and Sunday things belong on Sunday?

After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, the winner of the
This Week’s Highest Rated Comments

#5		Matthew Schwartz | Jul 12th	Score:22
		I had lunch with Winona just last week, and she ate all her food in alphabetical order just like normal.
	Posted in: Creating Some More Winona Ryder Rumors

#4		R2D2, Esq. | Jul 15th	Score:22
		The cronut should be played by a regular donut in cronut-face.
	Posted in: Who Should Play The Cronut In The Movie About Cronuts?!

#3		catweazle | Jul 16th	Score:23
		What’s Gilbert Grape Eating?
	Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: Johnny Depp Meets An Unsure Fan

#2		catweazle | Jul 12th	Score:25
		I think celebrity gossip would be so much more entertaining if it were all written in the style of Gossip Girl blasts. “We all know that a well-stocked closet is a happy closet, but clothes are meant to be flaunted! Looks like W is hoarding her Hermès when she should be sharing her Chanel.”
	Posted in: Creating Some More Winona Ryder Rumors

#1		Chris Trash | Jul 18th	Score:25
		I think I_comment_ergo_I_am is missing the point here. Never mind that Winnetka is one of the most affluent Chicago suburbs and the family had money and a family reunion that very well might have called for the trendiest, most expensive pizza in town. The point is, the pizza was merely a symbol of adulthood.http://www.geocities.com/televisioncity/8622/hmalpizza.html As outlined in this geocities page, Kevin is unfairly punished over pizza. He can’t do anything about it because he is a kid. Years later riding in a limo with a whole pizza to himself seems like the definition of “making it” as an adult. So the amount of money is meant to seem astronomically large to a kid. It’s meant to represent the helplessness that Kevin feels throughout the film.
	Posted in: Debunking The Pizza Math In Home Alone, Finally

[Assoc. Ed. Note: Because of how Monsters’ Ball is calculated — to total of votes from Friday to Friday — it looks like my Assoc. Ed. choice from last week is now Catweazel’s #2 in the top 5. What a treat! Congratulations, and congratulations to Chris Trash. Excellent pizza study. And congratulations to the rest of you! Congratulations all around. (Except for those who did not make it into the top five. Sorry! Next time!)]

This Week’s Lowest Rated Comment

#1		noclevername | Jul 18th	Score:-2
		But she’s so fucking terrible.
	Posted in: The 2013 Emmy Nominations

[Assoc. Ed. Note: Who, me? No, I went back and looked and he or she is talking about Emilia Clarke. Same dif!]

This Week’s Caption Contest Winner

		Chris Trash | Jul 16th	Score:38
	Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: Johnny Depp Meets An Unsure Fan

[Ed. Note: Congratulations, Chris Trash! You earned it.]

This Week’s Associate Editor’s Choice

		Superglue | 12:24pm	Score:3
		The answer to all of the questions in this post is “Yes,” with the singular exception of whether being a summer league counselor was in Michael Jordan’s original Chicago Bulls contract. That wasn’t added until he signed with the Washington Wizards.
	Posted in: Checking In On Sports!

[Assoc. Ed. Note: Ohhhh. Thank you!]

This Week’s Editor’s Choice

		manners | 12:41pm	Score:8
		More like, Kirk C’mon!
	Posted in: The Kirk Cameron Movie Trailer That Facebook Doesn’t Want You To See!

		judgymcjudge | Jul 15th	Score:10
		Russell Crowe-nut
	Posted in: Who Should Play The Cronut In The Movie About Cronuts?!

[Ed. Note: This week I could not decide between these two comments, and then I remembered that I don’t have to. I am an adult and this is America. NO RULES.]