We all kind of knew that Under the Dome was going to end up stinking, eventually. We’re all adults here. It’s our generation’s The Event. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon! Oh, sure, between CBS and Stephen King, there was no way this spooky sci-fi drama was going to end with anything even remotely satisfying. “It turns out the Dome was created by our mistrust of each other, but true friendship broke the Dome!” But last night’s episode, which I will remind you is only the third episode, was just like, oh, oh no. For one thing: so much expositional dialogue! I know that we live in a country of third graders and that all of those third graders are playing Candy Crush while watching their fave shows on their phones, but some of us are paying attention and don’t need every character to reiterate his or her role in the drama, what he or she does or doesn’t know about the Dome, and what relation he or she has to each and every other character. “Boy, I sure do hate living under this Dome. If only we knew where it came from. Maybe you can ask your ex-wife, the Journalist, who is friends with the Fireman engaged to the Police Officer, whether she has heard anything from the Radio DJ about this danged Dome!” Also, like, I know that Chester’s Mill is a small town, but are we really supposed to believe that they have a SKATE PARK but NO ONE HAS EVEN HEARD OF GAY PEOPLE BEFORE? One or the other. If the teenager says “what do you mean you have two moms?” then his Powell Peralta goes in the trash. And Junior is a scheming sociopath who has managed to lock his girlfriend in a bomb shelter without raising a single question in this supposedly small town, but the best lie he can come up with for what happened to his face is that an adult punched him “for no reason.” Oh, sure. “Would I lie about him not having a reason?!” Sure. Don’t even worry, he says that to the journalist and suggests she start asking Barbie questions and SHE DOES. She’s like, Oh, I will TOTALLY take professional advice from a creepy teenager. Yes. That is what being a journalist is. And don’t even get me started on Hank who, while running through the woods to apprehend dangerous, armed, ex-Special Forces soldier who has already killed a man, locked a police woman in jail, and shot another man in the leg, stops to DISCUSS THE ORIGINS OF HIS NICKNAME. Hank, wait! Get the guy with the gun and THEN discuss the origins of your nickname back at the diner. With the homophobes and the nosy nellies!

I don’t know, man. I’m going to keep watching this show, but it better DRUMLINE. You are on thin ice, Under the Dome, and thin ice is the worst place you can be when you are Under a Dome. (I don’t know. This show makes you dumb. Leave me alone. The dome is tearing us apart!)