Are you in the market for a gift for a stupid jerk who doesn’t even deserve a gift from a friend, let alone from an acquaintance with whom he or she doesn’t get along particularly well, so why did they even invite you to their stupid gifts-heavily-suggested celebratory party in the first place? To be nice? Hah! Oh, right. What an angel this guy or gal is. Casting a wide net of people — STRANGERS, basically — who will feel obligated to attend in order to pad their party atmosphere and gifts table, what a sweetheart. Give me a break. You know what? You should just not go! Right? Like, just don’t go. Or better yet, say you’re going to go and then don’t show up. Send a text the next day — “Hey, sorry couldn’t make it out after all. Hope you had good time xo.” As if you don’t even have the time or energy to make it more comprehensible or read it over before hitting send, but really you did it on purpose. Ugh, no. You should go. Your friends — REAL friends — will be there and it’ll stick out if you’re not. Ugh, fine. Oh, so, to get back to it, are you in the market for a gift for a stupid jerk? WELL, LOOK NO FURTHER! (PS: This is a nightmare!)

WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? Spiders already exist! And they are the worst! (Via Neatorama.)