I’m not going to lie to you, things get pretty heavy today. Oh, the trailers are just movie trailers. There’s nothing particularly intense or even special about this week’s trailers. But somehow even the most mundane of trailers can really get your mind spinning, you know? Grown Ups 2 is bad, but what if Chris Pratt was in Grown Ups 2? Philosophical questions of this nature. The mind reels.

We’re the Millers

Guys, I kind of feel like my brain is broken. Like, I just can’t tell what’s what anymore. DOES THIS LOOK GOOD OR BAD? I could honestly see an argument either way. The movie has a good cast, and the idea behind it is…fine. I mean, ultimately a good comedy is mostly about the cast and the jokes that you hang onto the Christmas tree of the underlying story structure, right? OH, WHOOPS, DO I SOUND LIKE A MANIAC NOW? I just feel so tired. Everything seems so-so. I want it to be good, though. I want everyone to do good! Let’s lie down. Please?

Rush

Haha, nah.

Grown Ups 2

Ah, OK. This REALLY helps put the We Are The Millers trailer back in perspective. I BET THAT MOVIE WINS THE FLEUR DE CANNES OR WHATEVER. Grown Ups 2. Give me a break. Did somebody’s pool house need its own pool house? Last night I was listening to an epic “Summer Movie Preview” episode of The Fogelnest Files with Andy Kindler and Gary the Squirrel, which I highly recommend, and they watched this one and Gary said “so many unanswered questions from Grown Ups 1,” which made me laugh.

Don Jon

OK. Sure. I don’t know anymore (see above). On the one hand, this looks like Pain and Gain but less fun, and we all know how that turned out. Also it is just very hard to see actors like Joseph Gordon Levitt and Scarlett Johansson playing white trash because it feels like a new web series on JASH or something. But again: OK. Sure.

All of that being said: this is the second trailer in ONE WEEK (see also: We Are The Millers) that ends with a character singing a song that you would not expect them to sing for comedic relief, so maybe it’s time to put that old horse to bed. Besides, you’re never going to do “Waterfalls” better than Spring Breakers did so just move on.

Delivery Man

This is a remake of a French-Canadian film called Starbuck, so it is already very fancy. Honestly, though, you could put Chris Pratt in the trailer for anything and I would be like “I’m sure it won’t be perfect, but it looks pretty good and I definitely want to see it.” If Chris Pratt was in the Grown Ups 2 trailer we’d be having a whole different conversation today.

The World’s End

I support the cast and crew of this movie, and I am sure it will, if nothing else, have so many funny moments in it. But if you made a movie about an ALIEN INFESTED PUB CRAWL with the cast of GROWN UPS 2 people would not be so excited. Then again, see my argument about the good/bad dichotomy as it relates to jokes and Christmas trees in the We Are The Millers blurb. And see also the cast of Grown Ups 2 now featuring Chris Pratt. SO WHO EVEN KNOWS ANYMORE, I HONESTLY AM SO TIRED. LET THE RECORD STATE THAT I ASKED TO LIE DOWN FVIE MOVIE TRAILERS AGO!