Scottsdale, AZ

5 stars

Last Friday I was driving through Scottsdale when I got a sudden craving for pizza, baked goods, coffee, and beer. I noticed Amy’s Baking Company on the side of the road and thought, WOW, what luck!

I was skeptical when I walked in and saw a tired-looking woman haranguing a waiter and full-on shouting at him when he mentioned something about someone stealing tips? I thought, well, that’s strange, and that can’t really be right because who does that, so I just sat down anyway because I really wanted my pizza/baked goods/coffee/beer.

My lunch was kind of a disaster. The food was terrible, and it was hard to even attempt to enjoy it over the constant soundtrack of vitriol volleyed back and forth across the restaurant. It was so bad that I actually complained, which is not something I ever do.

The owners Amy and Sammy came out to talk to me, and they demanded that I come with them into the restaurant’s office. I will admit that I was scared, but there was something authoritative in their demeanor, and I followed them into a small, dark room next to the kitchen. Amy and Sammy proceeded to shout at me, calling me a godless, miserable pussy, and claiming they had God on their side.

It was then that I noticed the decor of the office – there were crucifixes on every wall, and a large shrine took up a quarter of the office. When I looked back at Amy and Sammy, their heads glowed under haloes of light, and they smiled at me with changed expressions, their eyes overflowing with sudden benevolence. Just then, an Angel appeared and put a white-lit hand on Amy and Sammy’s shoulders. The Angel spoke, and I learned that Amy and Sammy were the Lord’s servants, that they were put on this Earth to bring God to non-believers through their pizzeria/bistro/bakery/bar. I felt the Holy Spirit enter me like water into a parched mouth, and I fell on my knees and cried.

Amy and Sammy gave me a croissant and wine on the house, and transformed by the power of my renewed belief, both offerings were excellent.

And I say this as a woman who lost a grandmother to this disease and shopped around until I found a doctor that would let me get a mammogram at 35. You know what else runs in my family? Drinking heavily and smoking heavily and eating terribly and living in the Midwest, being miserable and sedentary. So also: diabetes and heart disease. It’s all related, just having the gene (if you can even afford to get tested) is not a goddamn death sentence.

Seriously, fuck her .

Me: LOL, have you SEEN this, Mom?

Mom: Uh, yeah, like DAYS ago.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure my ghost will still be at the museum. I’ll wander around fixing labels and displays and wondering who all these people are that have free time to visit a museum on a week day afternoon. It will be like I never left, except spooky!